Into The Rabbit Hole

Frankly, I’m pleased I made it through the semester.

I’m not completely over yet, but I’m close.  Finish two papers, and I’ll be golden.

I have to figure out how to pay for school next Fall.  Apparently one CAN run out of financial aid.  It’s right at the $43,000 mark.  Hmph.  Apparently that’s how much financial aid debt I have.  Well, that was easy to spend.  Now I’m going to have to find scholarships.   I cannot take any time (other than the summer) off from school, because if I fall below six credit hours, I will be required to pay back that 43K in monthly payments to the tune of $500.  So, pay for two classes and the books for those classes: $2000 for the entire semester or pay monthly $500 until I’m able to afford school again… fabulous!

And it’s been four weeks without my guy.  Five more, and that’ll be done; he’ll be home and life will be on its path.

I’m home by myself at this point.  Well, sort of by myself.  I have the kids with me.  I am thankful.  My head feels a bit quieter.

This weekend will be good.  Hopefully I’ll get the bulk of my two papers completed.  I won’t have the kids after tomorrow– and will get them back on Tuesday.  That’s a good amount of time to get focused.

Monday is my Pappa Luke’s funeral.  That will be good for closure.   I believe I’ve come to terms with his death.  I believe it was a good thing.  Perhaps it’s all death that I need to come to terms with.  Amazingly, I have had considerably less panic lately.  And no more shaking before bed.  Or if I’m experiencing it, I’m more comfortable with the idea that I’m neither dying nor crazy.

It’s nine o’clock.  The kids’ lunches are made.  Tyler’s homework is complete and in his backpack.  The coffee pot is ready for me to flip the red switch.  Their oatmeal is in a bowl, waiting for boiling water.  The kids’ clothes are washed, and ready to go back to their mom’s.  The dogs are fed, the kids are in bed, and I am done with my classes for this semester.  *exhale*

I will be dropping the kids off at school early tomorrow.  Just figured out I don’t have the key card to get them in the school.  Hope I don’t have to stand outside long…

One foot in front of the other, one hour at a time, one day at a time.

Raaaaaarr!

How are you holding up, Ash?

Well… Aside from everything being completely fucked up– and seemingly a new fucked up thing happens every day– I’m doing just fine, thank you.

I’m cranky.  I imagine this is a fairly normal reaction.  I’m not breaking down, and I’m not debilitated.

My boyfriend is gone for an extended period of time, I have the responsibility of children, dogs, and a house.  I have the help of his mom, but there’s added stress because it’s like feeling out a new roommate… I have school that I’m trying to finish, and my grandfather passed away, and now it sounds like there’s a chance another family member may have breast cancer.  I’m fucking great, why do you ask?

Alas, though, it really isn’t as horrible as it sounds.  I’m doing fairly well.  I aced the final last night, though I’m certain I won’t be as lucky tomorrow night.  I know my grandfather is no longer in pain, and he had to have been in SIGNIFICANT pain with renal and congestive heart failure.  We don’t have a diagnosis on the cancer at this point, and it possibly isn’t anything.  I have a great job and two amazing kids to spend time with and I really do love that I have so much help from their grandmother– who is an amazing woman.

I have a job I love, and I am doing wonderfully at it.  I am one of the members of a service excellence team. This is not only an honor, but it’s an excellent way to network, an excellent piece to put on my resume, a great way to meet new and communicative friends (my team is the communications team), and I’m setting myself for some more excellent letters of recommendation to get me into the MD/PhD program.

As much as it sucks to be going through all of this hardship without my best friend, I am confident that I will make it through.  I’ve always been a very independent woman and I’ve always really done well with challenges.  This whole stress-filled time is something I’m looking at as through the eyes of someone who knows that not only will this life cycle back to being wonderful– but that I will also have some contrast to compare it with.  And wow, how much more beautiful the wonderful will be.

And additionally, I’m still a non-smoker.  I figure that if I can quit now while it’s raging out of control, the good times, again, will be that much more extraordinary.

And I’m a BIG fan of extraordinary.

An extraordinary man passed away today.

My great grandfather was 97 years old.

After 75 years of marriage to my spunky grandmother, he survived another two years after my grandmother left us.   Honestly, I didn’t expect him to wait so long before he went to join her… but he was a stubborn old man and was excited to see what more this life had to offer.

It offered him a lot!  Six grand kids, eleven great grandkids, and four or five great great grandkids…

We would all get together as a family for every holiday.  It’s too bad I didn’t see my family yesterday for Mother’s Day.  That would’ve been my last opportunity to see him…

Life is funny, though…  And death is just as much a part of life as birth.

I have to have faith… that I can handle all of this.  I suppose I don’t have any choice not to.  One foot in front of the other, an hour or a day at a time.

Click here to read “You think you’re SOOOOO smart”

Oh, found another goodie.

See?  This was the sort of passion I had a year ago.  I want THIS sort of attitude back!!

Ask and you shall have…

Thoughts become things. This is a universal law. My emotions are an indicator of whether what I’m thinking about (creating) is in alignment with what I want. If what I’m thinking about is NOT within alignment, I feel bad. If what I’m thinking about IS within alignment, I feel good. That’s simple enough.

Lately, I have been feeling fearful and anxious. Obviously, what I’m thinking isn’t in alignment of what I want. I feel worrisome, and in turn am attracting more and more things to feel worrisome about.

It makes good psychological sense to think that we respond emotionally to what we’re thinking about… and it makes good psychological sense that if we are feeling good, we’re more apt to have doors open to us because we are expecting them to.

So why is it that I’m having such a challenging time switching from feeling bad to feeling good again? It’s not like I’ve never done this before.

I once was in a relationship that I hated. I had a job that I hated. School was hard. My roommates sucked. Then I discovered that I could create my experience. It was like magic. Hell, it WAS magic.

I went into a heavenly bliss, catapulted across the universe. I fell in love– with a man and with my friends. I fell in love with myself and my life.

And gradually I’ve slipped out of that place. I am perfectly satisfied with nearly all facets of my experience. I have a job I love, I’m good at school, I loooooove (and am in love with) my roommate. I love my healthy, happy, smart, wonderful “step” kiddos… I love the dogs. And my cat. And our big, beautiful home in an excellent, safe, quiet neighborhood. And…

But I think the key point is that I’m feeling “satisfied” vs. feeling “in love” with my experience. I’m doing things that make me feel good… like adding recycling into my daily plan… and cleaning up the yard, gardening, enjoying sunshine, cooking healthily… All of which should ultimately raise my emotional experience from feeling satisfied to feeling in love…

We’ll see. I’m trying also to increase my conscious awareness to being genuinely grateful for the things I appreciate as my experience.

I am an organ donor– the recycling behavior that Saves Lives.    Upon donating the stuff that is reusable, I want my body given to science.   After that, whatever is left over should be disposed in the most environmentally friendly way possible.  Perhaps through the alkylation process I just read about on the news…

There.  Now I’ve made this public…  there should be no question.

Do you think that upon making funeral arrangements, someone would actually go through my blog to verify my wishes???

Well.  I suppose, then, it’s up to you, my readers, should you all be around in a million years, to let whomever know about these intentions.  hee hee.

I appreciate the paradox of listening to Pachelbel while riding the Colfax bus…

Click here to read Time.com’s article “Time to Invade Myanmar?”

You’ve got to be fucking kidding me.

I was completely taken aback reading the headline on www.cnn.com which led me to the article posted on www.Time.com.

Who are we kidding?  Our American government LIKES to go in and be heroes when heroes aren’t wanted.  We like to go in and tout that we’re the saviors, while using those actions to distract from the fact that we’re meddling in affairs that do not belong to us (in hopes of financial or military gain).  A slight of hand; watch my right hand give you the peace sign while unbeknownst to you, my left hand is discreetly flipping you off.

If Myanmar’s government does not want world aid, then don’t force it!  We have our own battles to fight– our own people are dying in street fire because we sent them across seas in a facade that looked (again) like a plot to save the world.  You think the Burmese government is too tyrannical?  Let their people DIE, so that they have no one to rule over!  Yet, while we’re talking about performing fly-by aid drop-offs, on millions of streets in America, we have people starving, people with addictions, people with disabilities, who would benefit from this “aid…”  How about putting some money/”aid” into fixing our health care system– so that illegal immigrants cannot tax the emergency rooms and actual taxpayers’ children can be given treatment without withdrawing financial compensation from the doctors?

*arrrgh!!!*

It’s not about human life, it’s about a stage filled with actors.  It’s not about what’s right or wrong– it’s about who’s able to flex their muscles in the most aesthetically appealing photograph.  It’s an act, and I am absolutely appalled that anyone would consider INVASION of a country because they don’t want our handouts!  WTF?!?!

So, it’s the third day of not having a cigarette.

It’s not terribly difficult for me to quit… I have practice at the “quitting” part.   I am usually successful at quitting for a few years, then I start again, mostly because I’m being rebellious and often in response to a change in my relationship status.

I know that’s not an entirely healthy behavior, but I can see it and identify it, and they say that admitting it is the first step.

Anyway, today is day three without cigarettes.   And in stopping smoking again, I have learned a few things about myself:

Read the rest of this entry »

In case you have forgotten… I am a rock star.

However, the more accurate statement would be, “Because I have forgotten, spring is a great time to remind myself that I am a rock star.”

Semantics, whatev.

So, you wanna know what I just did?   Well hold on to yer pants, I’m about to tell you.

I just weeded the front lawn with my spiffy tool.  It is this thing you step on: it digs into the ground, grabs the weed, and you pull it right out.  Pretty rad (chemical free) and exercise-inducing tool.

Upon digging out the weeds, I have taken notice that my grass IS rather long.  And it’s still light out.

I decide that perhaps I should mow.  First I have to find the lawn mower.  Okay, it’s in the garage, and I can see it back in the corner there.  It’s right under there, beneath the boxes.  And the keg.  And the snowblower.  Heh.

So, I start moving shit around.  Probably one of the most challenging parts was lifting the snowblower up and over the lawn mower.  But I did it, and I didn’t break anything!  I pulled that mower right on out of there, and the next challenge was to figure out how to get her started. This is a fun challenge every time.

There’s a fuel lock.  And now that I’m typing this, I recall I didn’t turn it when I put the mower back… Something to think about next time I’m in the garage.  Fuel lock turned one direction, check.  Hold down both bars on the handle, check.  Pull.  Nothing.  Pull again two or three times.  Is there fuel?  Check.  There’s fuel; of course it’s from last fall, but who the hell’s counting??

Eventually this mother started.  I was slightly appalled to discover last fall’s grass in the bad, but… I emptied.  So I figure that I should go bag-less and let the clippings get on the lawn. Yunno, recycle the clippings.  Except that with the bag off, all of the clippings fly right at me.  I concede to using the bag and was quite pleased when none of the clippings ended in the bag anyway.

I tackled my lawn, which had grown to more than a foot in some areas.  And now it’s all nice and even.  Probably an inch or two.  Such is.  I even did the strip of grass on the south of the driveway– and then I hand watered everything.   I wonder if I can keep the lawn green by hand watering for 5-10 minutes every night.  Thoughts???   It sure would save water compared to turning on the sprinkler and letting it run for half an hour…