Writing, for me, is sometimes very similar to me talking just to hear myself talk. It gets lonely in my office all day long… and lonely in my home all night long.  I crave the attention that my friends and loved ones give to me.  So for me, writing, and then seeing you all read my blogs, is essentially feeding my pathological relationship with you…It’s like my diary.  Only not really.  I don’t divulge my most deep dark secrets; I DO tell you how I see it, and I DO use artistic authority to manipulate these words in a way that I feel you’ll be driven to continue to read…It’s all poppycock.  I could make up anything as I go along, and you might read it and believe it.  I could tell you stories, lies, and more, and you might think you’re getting to know me better. For instance, I can come out of the closet to you.  I can tell you that I’m definitely into women, and that I simply cannot get enough pussy to satiate my cravings.  Or I can tell you that I’m pregnant, and I’m not sure whose baby it is, but that I’ve narrowed it down to three lucky men. I could tell you that I’ve quit my job, and only pretend to go to work every day, and I sit online all day long praying I can find something that will come close to paying my bills. I could tell you that I’m really a man, but nevermind, you already know THAT’s not true. The thing is that you never can tell.  You never can tell when I tell you the truth, and you never can tell when anything I say or promote is real.  For that, you must believe.  Most of you know me very well, and most of you are quite comfortable with being able to tell when I’m being serious or when I’m making something up.  For those of you who are uncertain or have any question in your mind, perhaps this one blog will remind you to question it all. And to then find faith. See, that’s what faith is, really.  (more…)

Long Term
1. To be a doctor.
2. To have gratifying, satiating, amorous companionship.
3. To be completely self-supporting, able to live comfortably and completely. Able to provide for my self and family.
4. To continue to be surrounded by beautiful friends my whole life through.
5. To lead a healthy, stress-free life!Short Term
1. Fantastic roommates who love my home as much as I do.
2. Excellent grades, with total understanding of the material.
3. A clean, inviting, warm home with lots of beautiful, happy, loving guests.
4. A rewarding, gratifying, well-paying job while I go to school.
5. Energy and motivation to do it all! 

I feel happier now than I’ve felt in my entire life. I’ve felt this happy for several months now. It’s overwhelming and scary and so unusual that I keep wondering if there’s something that I’m not catching, something I’m forgetting, or something I should be worried about. And then I remember that this reaction is the silliest thing I’ve ever thought– totally natural, but completely, 100% silly! Why question happiness?  Was I SO unhappy in my previous lifetime (it seems like a lifetime ago) that I felt that was the only way things were?How fucking sad is that?  And as I sit here writing this, I can feel your head nodding, too, because I’ll bet you that you’ve thought it or felt it, too.  Can it really be that we condition ourselves to deal with the shit and dramas of life that we forget that life should be easy?  That we can be purely, truly, absolutely, exponentially HAPPY???I challenge you to change the way you think, if you haven’t already begun to do so.  I challenge you to be inspired, to be happy, to be free from all fear, hatred, and anger. Here’s a brilliant quote by one of my favorite psychologists:“One can choose to go back toward safety or forward toward growth. Growth must be chosen again and again; fear must be overcome again and again.”Abraham Maslow
1908-1970, PsychologistSo apt.  So appropriate. Growth demands a temporary surrender of security.  (Don’t quote me on this last one. I totally stole it from somewhere.) 

Why are you so angry?The world really, truly isn’t out to get you. The drama that you are stirring up is 110% self created. Really.  Calm your spirit, charge your soul. For all you know, this may be the only opportunity you have to experience today– to experience this lifetime. Today is far too short to be angry.  Spend your energy wisely. 

You have to pick your battles!There are going to be people and things that annoy you.  Period. You have a choice on how you respond.  You have a choice on what you feel about the situation.  If you cannot or will not change it, then you probably should choose to not let it bother you. Choosing your reaction takes practice.  Keeping cool takes resolve. Some things are worth fighting for.  Most things aren’t.  Set your boundaries appropriately. I have to remind myself of this working in such chaos.

Exhale. Life does not take any effort.  In fact, in spite of the terrible odds against it, life continues, unscathed.  Life on this planet has rejuvenated itself from utter destruction and devastation caused by meteors at least twice that we are aware of.  It takes no effort for plant life to thrive.  Forests that have been burned down continue to grow back, animals continue to procreate, the earth continues to thrive.  It took no effort for our species to evolve, only time.  It took no effort to move from molecular chaos to sentient beings.  None of this transformation required anything other than just existing.  It’s what all life does… it thrives and evolves. Why do we make this existence so difficult?  We seemingly require so much more maintenance.  Is it emotional satiation?  Is it boredom? We get entirely caught up in our daily grinds, misfortunes, and minor tribulations that we end up thinking “This life is difficult.”Alas, it’s not difficult.  Life is easy.  Life requires no effort.  Thriving requires nothing more than just existing. It sounds like a lie to you because you’ve conditioned yourself to think and believe differently.  However, I challenge you to change the way you think– remind yourself that life happens, and that we can easily thrive just by Being.  There are so many facets of life.  Death is part of life.  It’s just another link in the chain of existence; without it, life could absolutely not continue.  Death, though we’ve created an emotional attachment to it, is nearly as beautiful as life.  We fear it because we naturally fear what it unknown to us.  We grieve it because we form emotional bonds with Life.   These are okay reactions to death, but it’s important to remember that ultimately this is all just part of our thrivation. Life does not take effort.  It may take a little positive energy, and a little creative talent.  But it is effortless, and thriving is just what it does.  Be.

I like wiping my wet hands on my jeans after I’ve washed them.  I like how my fingers leave a dark print on my my pants.  Only with jeans though, but that’s what I wear most. I like when I say something that people smile about. Especially if I’m cheering them up. I like pouring my half and half into my cup before adding coffee. I also like sticking my creamer cups inside each other. Yunno, like at Denny’s. I like lifting my hands in gratitude when I’m enjoying my scenery on a beautiful day. I like imagining what random people look like when they’re orgasming. I like making lists and then crossing things off as I finish them. I like taking pictures of myself. And then editing them with Photoshop. I like being barefoot.  Even if my feet stink. I like eating peanutbutter on a spoon straight from the jar.

I see the way you look at me.  I can see into your eyes, a glimmer of your soul.  I know what you’re thinking, and I like it.  You raise your eyebrow at me from across the room; it’s an open invitation for me to come closer.  I know what you mean when you pull me close to you, with your palm on the small of my back. I know what you’re thinking when you breathe in my scent so deeply.  I know what it is that you want when you say my name.  I can hear it in your voice.

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I suffer from my PMS. Sadly, you suffer from my PMS, too!There are twenty-eight days in my cycle.  Of those, I bleed five.  Before that beautiful release (and return to sanity), I have seven to ten full days of Pre-Menstrual experience.  Seven to ten days… that’s more than one fourth of my cycle.  Every fourth week.  Yesh.  You love me. And during the pre-menstrual experience, I am fucking crazy.  I mean, not always, and not all the time, but I CAN be.  Often.  Throughout these pre-menstrual days.  My patience is totally thin, and I can become exacerbated over the most minute delays!  And I’m needy.  Needy.  Neeeeeeedy.  PAY! ATTENTION! TO! ME!!!!!!!  And my skin breaks out.  So I’m less confident that I don’t have some raging blemish that you’ll be forced to stare at.  So pay attention to me, but don’t look at me.  And goddess forbid I get cramps.  These usually don’t bother me until the first day I start menstruating, but some months are better than others.  It’s fun.  Really.  No, don’t walk away, I’m not done. Okay, maybe I’m done.  I’m just more sensitive during these days.  Some cycles are better than others.  Some cycles make me want to present myself to the nearest mental health facility, begging them to diagnose me with Pre-Menstrual Dysphoria Disorder (PMDD– the baaaaaad version of PMS), have them stick me with some morphine and make me just sleep it off.  Other times, I’m perfectly normal.  Like, functional.  You’d never know it until I actual bleed that I had been pre-menstrual. It’s fun being a woman.  Really.  I don’t mind all this cycling business.  I don’t even mind that I get pimples because of it.  I don’t dislike tampons, and I sure as hell don’t hate bleeding once a month.  I wouldn’t trade my womanhood for being a man for all the money in the world.     …maybe for all the chocolate in the world…

Announcement that rocked my world today:Pluto’s status as a planet has been demoted.
This is very sad to me.  I know, science is what it is, and I understand WHY.Still, I mourn our planetary loss and question what effect this might have on the world of spiritual beliefs.  Poor Pluto.

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