Your eyes melt me.
My breath escapes me.
Can you read it in my face?

As it unfolds is perfect.  Even if it’s not what I necessarily wanted. It’s beautiful and perfect just as it is.  Even if I hate how disappointment feels. I am complete as I am.

Next time, I will do better.

You have no idea how powerful you are until what you have created falls into your pretty little lap. I challenge you to know exactly what it is that I’m feeling. Don’t just go off of what I’m saying.  Try some of the good old creative power for yourself on for size.

Don’t forget.  You made this all.  Good work!

The creation is divine.   It is perfect.  It is aligning itself up exactly as I planned.  It’s an amazing thing to be able to delight in one’s own creation.

I couldn’t have done it better myself.  Wait, I DID do this myself. And I did it along with the others.  Together, we are a trinity of powerful women, and we will fill this world with blessings and joy. The universe is mine, and I am the universe’s.

I can have whatever I want.

Rio left me a year ago.  I still mourn for my loss of him. Now I have Max.  And I still have Tobester.  It’s amazing how attached to an animal one can be. I think perhaps my revisitation of my mourning for my beloved cat is what’s exacerbating my lack of patience for my current pets.  Be frustrated.  Don’t get too close to them, because part of being a pet owner is that their life span is significantly shorter than humans. I always think of myself as such an optimist. Yet when it comes to relating myself with anything else in life, I recognize its fleeting nature.  Relationships with pets, friends, men, family… it’s all fleeting.  It sounds so pessimistic. I try to make it sound so Laissez faire about it.  So unaffected.  Being the psychoanalytical person that I am, I recognize this as a coping mechanism… one that I’m comfortable with, one that I’m not necessarily trying to let go of. Really, what I’m trying to hide is my fear of abandonment.  A brilliant mind recently reminded me that there is nothing to fear if you never claim to Have what it is you fear of losing. How very enlightened!  It’s true.  If you do not Have something or someone, it is impossible to lose them.  Instead, you can experience and appreciate your times together for what they are.  This allows you to be completely involved in the moment as it is, rather than worrying about placing a title or a role onto each situation.  The naming game is something that an analytical person does, so I must fight against my nature.  It’s not about defining a moment, it’s about experiencing it.  It’s not about staking claim over a person or thing.  Staking claim leads to coveting. Coveting is almost as evil of a word as jealousy.   And abandonment. Be in the moment.  

Yes. Yes, I do.

Scientists amaze me.

It’s not like they’re some sort of geniuses (though they are intelligent); rather it seems to me that the scientists who made the most dramatic impact on the world as we now know it were simply curious people who preferred to think outside of the box that we are told is reality as we know it. This frame of character which gives a person enough confidence to explore their own thoughts and theories is something I aspire to have.

Scientists, researchers, and doctors epitomize this very confidence in their own ability to successfully think over and postulate solutions to problems set before them. These are the characteristics I want for myself. The ability to problem solve. Honestly I don’t think these physicists and chemists and other scientists are really all that special. They’re not any smarter than the rest (that’s obviously negotiable– perhaps I should re-state that as they’re not any smarter than ME); again it comes down to having the curiousity to explain the inexplicable and the confidence to theorize and lay out experiments to test their theories.

Could I become the next great quantum physicist? The answer is absolutely YES. Do I necessarily want to? Not likely. I want to help and heal in a more intimate way.

However…. I find this stuff faaaascinating: When any wave (for example light or x-ray) hits a regular array of ridges, grooves, atoms, or ions, diffraction occurs. Diffraction is the breaking up or scattering of the different wavelengths, as in how a prizm scatters/ breaks up the different visible colors of wavelengths into a rainbow. X-rays and electron waves can diffract off of molecules and crystals. The regular array of ridges, grooves, atoms, or ions create diffraction patterns, which can be detected as dark or bright spots on a photographic plate. These patterns can often look very symmetric, as in a snowflake.

So I was thinkin…. Could there be a connection between the patterns that we ‘reflect’ in this planet system as a ‘gigantic’ diffraction pattern of the wave energy in the universe???

lambency

lam·bent (l m b nt)  adj.

1. Flickering lightly over or on a surface: lambent moonlight.
2. Effortlessly light or brilliant: lambent wit.
3. Having a gentle glow; luminous.

I see a reflection of me in your soul, and it’s resplendent.
The energy that emanates from you is calming and complete.
You are effulgent, and like a moth to a flame, I delight in you.

I believe that sometimes we can only know ourselves best after seeing ourselves react in emotional situations. After all, it’s not who we are in the perfect circumstances that sheds light on our true character, rather it’s how we react when we are under stress that gives us a pure indication of our personality as a whole, complete person. And isn’t this life about that?  Isn’t the goal ultimately to know and to experience everything that we can?  To know who we are is to have lived a full life of experience, both good and bad. Today I have identified a not so fabulous behavior/ meme of mine that I will now consistently work on correcting until I’m comfortable with how I react.  The inappropriate behavior is that I tend to associate emotions with abandonment.  If I show you my emotions, you might abandon me.  If I demonstrate my emotional core, you may not like it, and you might decide that you don’t like me. There.  I’ve laid that fear out on the table, and after writing it all out (and of course, having pondered it all day long today), I can see how silly and sad that is.  How sad it is to believe that I cannot experience and express my emotions!  How sad it would be to go throughout life being afraid to be emotional!  I’ve consistently associated emotional expression with fear of losing the people I love; no more.  I can see the faulty thinking, and the best I can do is to vow to change that thought process into something more healthy, and more… functional. I’ve also learned today that there is a major difference between setting expectations for someone and expressing my needs.  My needs are undeniable, and they are things that I know that I must address, with or without any other person’s involvement.  My needs are valid, honorable, and appropriate.  It is expectations that I set for other people that are not necessarily appropriate.  Often an expectation set for another person is met with disappointment and negative feelings.  It’s not fair to set an expectation for someone besides yourself because not only do you not own that person’s behaviors, feelings, and thoughts, but you also would not want to own any of those things.  While it’s perfectly healthy to express your needs, it’s not appropriate to set expectations for others.   If there are people around you who are willing and desire to fulfill your needs, then terrific!  If they’re neither, then there will always be another way to address your needs. *breathe*One thing is for certain.  I must be willing to validate my own feelings.  I must be willing to say, Okay! This is how I’m feeling right now, and I’m okay!!! These are the things that will make me feel better, and it’s okay to ask for them.  It’s okay for the people I ask to tell me no! It’s okay because the people that I love will still love me back, and won’t abandon me for being human.  This shit is like therapy for me. I suppose my only purpose in sharing it with you is that you can join along with me for this ride that is my collection of life lessons.  Perhaps you already knew these things about yourself and this glimmer of my insight means nothing to you… or perhaps you get what I’m saying and can relate.  Maybe my life lessons will someday help other people get through their own life lessons. *shrug*

I draw a line with my fingertips along the curves of my cheek bones.  I’m so tired, I can see the bags under my eyes getting darker while I stare at myself in the mirror. I’m high off of endorphins. But so tired. I need a vacation and a rest.  So many good things are happening, that I forget to breathe.  I forget to sleep. I don’t really forget to sleep, I just go to bed later and get up earlier. It’s not time for a vacation.  I’m worried that time is running out for me to get everything accomplished.  It’s a sense of urgency that I can’t shake.  I’m getting older every day. What is this urgency? I’m doing everything I need to be doing. I’m in my groove.  I’m creating in leaps and bounds. There’s nothing I’m overlooking.  I’m afraid that I’m leaving something out.  What is it that I’m forgetting?What is this life?  This purpose? Why must I question it when everything is going so perfectly?

I am complete.
Independently complete. 
I do not need any one person to make me a finished person.
I am whole as I am, with or without the people with which I surround myself.
I don’t need anyone by my side to make me happy, and I don’t need any one thing to fill holes in my heart. This completeness within myself makes it that much more special that I chose you. I don’t NEED you at all.  But I WANT you.  

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