There is a fatal belief that you can only love one person at a time. I grew up believing that it should not be said all the time, because it shouldn’t be cheapened, it is special. That is non-sense, and I’m here to tell you why! How you deal with love is your own thing. It’s obviously terribly personal. However, I think you are selling yourself short if you go your entire day with out experiencing the joy that love brings. Whether it be love for a significant other, love for a friend, love for a pet, love for an experience… love is one of the most passionate forms of feeling good. It does not get any less special by you expressing it out loud. This idea is absolutely flawed, and it’s absolutely silly to force it upon yourself if what you want is to be happy, to feel good. If that isn’t your agenda, then by all means, go right ahead and don’t love. But… if you are like me, and realize that happiness is what you’re aiming for, then I would encourage you to shed your fatal belief that you should not say “I love you.” Take baby steps. (more…)

The shower was nice.
warm moisture evaporates from my skin. It’s chilly enough in my bedroom that I can see the steam rise. I stand here, clothed in cotton white panties, braiding my hair. It’s snowy outside; the nearly bloomed trees are also covered in a white cloth
I feel raw as they are
Gasping for a hint of sun

mmm. Springtime.
In the front of my mind is you, again.
My skin is cold. I long to press my soft flesh against your warm body…
Your warmth will bleed onto me. Around me. Within me.
Your soul is a foreign language I am eager to learn. To feel your breath on me,
on my neck
on my waist You, I know
but never have
You, the stranger
You, the muse
I can see our fingertips pressed together
in the snow globe, snow flakes dance, catching our lashes
heads thrown back, listening to it fall down around us
The fingerprints on our pads rub against each other
I laugh at the friction
Sensory whore And there’s vibrations
there is energy Where are you now?
I like the contrast
The smell on your mouth
The color of your skin
The thoughts in your mind My dreams are consumed by you
My days devoured
I value these times alone
with myself Alone With my thoughts
I’m quite creative, you should know.

At moments I’m tempted to feel sad and fearful.
I know that these emotions are not in alignment with happiness; therefore, while it’s often easy to indulge, I know that I need to continue to focus on the things that make me calm and satisfied and jubilant in this life.  I have frequently been terrified of falling asleep.  I am afraid of letting go of my consciousness.  I am afraid of dying in my sleep. “I’m just not ready yet.  I have plans.”
A wise man pointed out last night that I’ll always have plans. My mind slammed into a brick wall at the speed of light– I had been streaking across the universe. I’ll always have plans.   I keep looking at death as something I want to postpone because I have things going on now and I want to accomplish them before I go.  I also have the idea that if I dote on death, or “allow” it to happen with my mind, then I am allowing it to happen with my body.  However, I’ll always have plans, and death is inevitable.  Allowing it is NOT the same as being comfortable with my own mortality. I’ll always have plans.  It’s not like once I become a doctor I’ll have nothing to yearn for.  In fact, probably quite the opposite.  As I watch my dreams unfold now, I am only opening doors for bigger and more amazing dreams.  As I yearn for my degree, I yearn for happiness, I yearn for companionship, I’m only opening myself wide and asking for more and more amazing things to dream of.  More and more amazing things to plan for…It’s going to take some time for me to absorb this understanding, but I want to present this to you as I learn and grow and become calm about mortality… death is a significant part of life.  It is inevitable and it is imperative.  I might not be “ready” for it, but at least I don’t have to fear it.

I long.   
Let it be known, I have had an emotionally charged day.   
My hormones are unforgiving, my self-esteem is feeling a bit dented, and my bubble has burst.    But only a little.   I long for companionship… for someone to just BE here with me.    
A rough day today.  I discovered that the position not only requires 40 hours a week, while I had been giving 37.5, but I also learned that they would not be as flexible with my school schedule as I had believed.  My dream job… is not what it appeared after all.  Don’t get me wrong; I love my job, I love what I do, I love all aspects… but I am only there because it’s a means to an end… it pays the bills while I’m a full time student.  It is a great environment for me to be in while I go to school.  It’s not a career, and it’s certainly nothing I would give up my education for.  Nothing is worth more to me than my goal to become a doctor.  Not a man, not a job, not a (fill in the blank).  I want to be a doctor.  In order to get into medical school, I have to finish my bachelors and take the MCAT.   That’s all there is to it.  I can’t become a doctor through osmosis or by just hanging out with doctors all day.   Sad.  I really loved it there, too.    Hopefully I will find another position within the hospital.  I know that it’s not personal.  I know that I’m a rock star employee… I guess I was just misunderstanding, and perhaps even me hoping a little that my work ethic (me busting my ass every day) would be enough… but it’s not.  Business needs over ride personal needs.  That’s business.  That’s how it works.  I’m okay with that.    Honestly.   *deep breath*  I have a lot on my plate right now, and most of what I can think of is having company over.  Or going somewhere to be around people.  Now really is the worst time for me to be thinking about guys… or hanging out with my girlfriends… or any of that social business.  Six of my favorite classmates invited me out for a beer tonight.  I declined, giving them some lame line about how I didn’t like to be at bars now that I don’t drink.   Sad.   I can’t really even say I don’t drink… because I do, sometimes.   I don’t really even hate going to the bars… and all I really want is to be near people, yet I turned them down.  My favorite people.  I have so much to do!   And here I am, not doing it.  I’m thinking of doing it.  But I’m not.   *sigh*  Thank goodness every day is a new one.   Tomorrow I will shine. 

I fell in love today.    
In the same moment, my heart was broken.   
I want to tell you about J.  He’s got sandy brown hair, blue eyes, and a smile that will knock your socks off.   He’s ten months old and has spinal muscular atrophy, which means that he’s paralyzed from the neck down.  He isn’t expected to live much longer than a year old; he’s on a ventilator to breathe, has a tracheal tube, and a GI tube to feed.    One of my nurses called me today and asked me to talk on the phone with him.  He can’t move, but he loves sensory stimuli, much like I do.   So I cooed in his ear, telling him what a handsome, beautiful baby he was.  Jane put the phone back to her own ear and said, “Ash, you should have seen how his eyes lit up when he heard your voice.  You’ve got to come meet him.”  So I did.  I went on a trek across the hospital to find a stuffed animal, first.  I found him a green fuzzy wiener dog, and I took the steps two at a time to get to the fifth floor, where his room is.   When I sat down next to him, his eyes found my face, to connect with the voice he had just smiled at over the phone.   He may not be able to move the rest of his body, but his smile is beautiful.   I played with his hair, helped him run his fingers through mine, and helped him play peek-a-boo.  He can’t laugh… he can’t coo back… he will never be able to say my name or anyone’s for that matter… but his smile and his eyes said a million words in the short time of the hour that I was there next to him.  For a few minutes, the world around me completely disappeared.   I wondered what his family would think of me playing with him like he was my own.   I continued to talk with the nurse, asking about how his body works, how she plays with them… and then came upon the topic of his parents.  My heart was broken when I learned they had abandoned him, unable to care for a poor paralyzed baby who would never crawl, say “momma” or potty train.  Hell, he probably won’t even make it to his second birthday.    I can’t remember the last time I felt so sad for another human being.  This child was given a set of recessive genes that allowed him a normal first two months of his life but quickly progressed into complete paralysis within eight months… and this child has no one to call mommy, even if he could say it.    Fortunately, the nurses have essentially adopted him.  I am allowed to come visit him whenever I want to.  I can’t wait to hold him… to show him the beautiful things around him that his parents will never do for him.  I’m not his mother, nor are any of us who love this child; I am, however, someone who can help make sure that his last year here in this world is something worth while.   It was then that I knew that where I am, right this minute, is exactly where I need to be. 

The idea of quitting crossed my mind today.  I won’t lie to you.   I felt like I was told that what I’m giving of myself isn’t enough.  110% effort simply just won’t do.  My pride hurt because of it.  My pride is my propelling force, and when it’s hurt, I just don’t want to do it any more.   I sometimes feel that way.   
If I can’t be successful at something, I’d rather not do it.    Alas, I know this sort of attitude isn’t conducive to success.  In fact, if you don’t feel passionately for something, I’m convinced you will be knocked down at your first barrier.  You will become discouraged and change your goal.  I desperately wish I could have gone this entire time never doubting my decisions, my goals.   But as with faith in anything, you must test the faith now and again in order to make it grow stronger… much like pinching off the flowers from a coleus, you sometimes have to feel it pinch in order to allow yourself to thrive.    So here I am.  Post questioning everything.  Post questioning my love for my job, my drive for my education, and my motivation to spend all of my time working rather than playing.  Doesn’t it seem so much more happy to just sit back and play?  So many around me do it so well…  After really thinking about what I’m doing here… after realizing that I was completely stressed out today over being told I have to squeeze in 2.5 more hours of work a week, after being told there is a test in Trigonometry that I’m completely unprepared for next week, after coming back from a spring break where I didn’t do any homework, which means I’m completely behind… I realize just how much I really needed that break.  I realize that I hadn’t given myself the time to have a clean home, to have a clean yard, to have time to think, to spend time with the people I love, to buy the things I want or need, to go grocery shopping… to care for things I would’ve never neglected had I not been so thoroughly consumed by my work and my schooling…  I am thankful for my doubt.  Ultimately it has forced me to re-evaluate and re-prioritize.  It has rejuvenated my driven spirit, and I will continue to plug away.   After all, anything worth doing… isn’t necessarily going to be easy.  If it was, everyone would be doing it.

It was a sensual person’s dream world.
Color seeped from every inch of my view: bright golds and reds and blues and reflective materials… feathers and jingles and beads… beautiful!  I was mesmerized by the chanting and *thump thump thumping* of the massive drums.  People hollered and cried and sang out to the world, as other danced in a competition that no one cared to win.    I’ve never seen a powwow as I saw it through my own eyes tonight.   Long, dark, silky hair, on both men and women… dark skin, beautiful chins and cheekbones… was as easy on my eyes as a magnificent flower garden.  I love this culture.  I love the scent of sage burning, of sweet grass and incense and war cries… such a beautiful contradiction, such a calm and spiritual place to be.       Honor was a priority… please stand to honor such and such.  Please stand.  Show of respect.    No alcohol.  Thought that was interesting.  I wasn’t surprised though.   Young children wandered, and often stood alone, bouncing along with the rhythm of the drum beats.  I was amazed at their different sense of self… they weren’t afraid.  They were comfortable where ever they were.  There was no shame in performance.  They were proud.  It was natural.   I used to go to these as a child.  It’s very interesting to see these things through the eyes of an adult… I can’t help but wonder if my mother didn’t drag me there to see all the beauty, just as I saw it this time.   

I love toys.  Especially toys with which I can play doctor.  *wink*  
Listening to a person’s heart through my stethoscope is beautiful.  It’s like a window to their soul; *pu-pump, pu-pump, pu-pump* Very few living creatures are as dynamically designed as the human body, and it surely is a most perfectly functioning, thought provoking, bundle of energy that we can observe in this world. I love the human body, and am delighted to see it presented in such brilliantly organized beings such as the people I surround myself with!  So I was reading today about a brilliant idea called a clothing swap party.  Of course, my Favoritest and I have been doing this for years… but this idea takes it one step further!  Get all your girlfriends and all your girlfriend’s girlfriends to pack up all the things in their closet that they either don’t wear or haven’t worn in a while.  Take these items along with a bottle of wine or something similar, and have everyone take what pieces they want, and then make a “donations” pile to take to good will for the things that no one else wants.   Speaking of good will, I absolutely looooove that place.  It’s definitely my favorite place to shop.  I love going in there and touching all of the soft, silky, smooth, and colorful materials, imagining the character who used to own such an article of clothing.  There is so much character, so many different energies on every piece.  Yet another beautiful way of absorbing stories of so many different people all at once; I am quite certain there are many other people very much like me who go in there, finding pieces that have stories, that have character– wear the items on crazy adventures, and eventually find a way for the stuff to end back up at the thrift store… like the vendor of souls, really.   Somehow, I find it strange to consider paying full price for most things.  In fact, I have a hard time spending all that money buying new stuff from the malls.  Instead, I find the stuff that has already held up over time, and has real shine, real character.  Speaking of, I bought the most fabulous Italian leather couches tonight.  (and I do love me some fine Italian items…*grin*) Oh yeah.  From www.craigslist.org.  I love that place.  I also bought a beautiful bed frame… cherry wood four poster.  Yesh.  Complete with a wooden bar at the feet.  I mean, at the foot of the bed.  *chuckle*  Tonight is the end of my spring break week.  *stretch*  I did successfully clean up the front yard, in a major way.  The flower garden is in full throttle and there’s even some flowers ready to bloom.  Yaaaay, flowers!! Told ya I’d get some!  Just had to be patient… I intend on cleaning up the backyard tomorrow, getting the garden ready for the times when I begin tilling the soil for my feast of a garden this summer.  And this summer– no dogs to get in the garden.  Yay!     I’m very pleased.  All my plants are really thriving.   I tell my friends that I can tell how well they’re doing based on how their plants look– honestly, I can tell how well *I’m* doing based on how mine look!  Yay, it’s springtime, and now it’s time for sunshine and camping and being outside… time for runs around the reservoir and throwing football with the boys.  Time for hanging outside doing homework, and time for playing near the water.  Campfires, close friends, dirty fingernails, and sunshine.  Starlight, wild animals, dancing by the fire… oh yes.  It will be mine.   *grin*  And by the way, I fucking love my friends. What beautiful souls.  I must’ve been veeeeerrry good in my past life.

How could life get any better? Really… it’s pretty extraordinary.  By no means absolutely perfect, but it’s definitely on its way!!The secret?  Looking for things every day that you’re grateful for.

Yes.  This is one thing he taught me.
I walked by his side step by step as he worked through his emotions of breaking up with his wife. letting go… divorcing… filing bankruptcy.  It wasn’t so much that I was someone he cared about, really; rather I was a body to hold him at night, to wipe away tears, and to offer up sound advice on how to work through the scariest parts of depression…  I learned a lot though.  I learned about pride in myself… in choosing the right people to surround myself.  I learned that sometimes beauty is only skin deep.  And I learned that “if you won’t love her someone will.”  He used to whisper it as he rocked himself to sleep.   “someone will…”  And if you weren’t that person, very likely she was lost to you forever.    …If you won’t first.   He said it because it was his lesson from life… from the marriage, from the experience.  His lesson was that if he had tried harder, loved more, paid more attention… maybe she wouldn’t have turned away from him.  Maybe.   This man didn’t love me… so I found someone who would.  I still think about him.  But now it’s through the eyes of someone who has known love… who has experienced it from the inside out…  He didn’t have to love me.  Someone will.  I will.  

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