Hi!

I have some good news!

I am now a member of the Golden Key National Honor Society.  This happened last week!  I can add this to my list of other honors (pardon me while I toot my horn…) I have been on the Vice President’s Honor Roll twice… and I’m also a member of the Psychology honor society Psy Chi.  (yay!) So, now I have one more thing to add to my record.  Yay!!!  It’s all about adding these things up to increase my value to an admission committee so I can get into medical school.  (more…)

So… lesson for the day…

There are a great deal of lessons to be learned.  There is a great number of trials we can go through.  Your perspective is everything.  Your attitude is how you control the things that seem to be spiraling from you… don’t let go of feeling good, even when you’re challenged with things that might at first feel bad.

I am so thankful for every blessing that I have.  I cannot begin to express how grateful I feel for the experiences I have.  I was given perspective today… I was given a glimpse of what it looks like to lose everything.  To see this person, knowing he will jump right back on the saddle, broken, tired, and lonely… is motivating.  To see the devastation in his eyes, but still a glimmer of hope… that is a driving factor in knowing that anything I come against will too pass.

In the spirit of Thanksgiving… I want to tell you just how happy I am.

There is a lot going on, yes.  A lot of it causes stress within me.  However, every single ounce of it is chosen, is delighted in, and has been created by me. 

Today feels like another one of those days where I say, “Today is the first day of the rest of my life…” and for some reason, I’ve been having a lot of those days recently.  Today is the first day, tomorrow is the next.  Every day I wake up and decide that I’m going to make today count.

I know, I know… too much like a Hallmark card.

Buuuut, if you take just a minute to consider what it would feel like to live this way, I believe you might just understand how addicting that perception is.

There are so few limitations.

My goddess, I’ve got it good.

Hmmm.  For a woman who knows how to use her words “just so,”  I sometimes struggle with the next thing I’ll say to you.  I have so much to share and tell and teach, but in order to step onto my stage here, I must lose the fear I have that comes along with repercussion of what words I choose to express and how you might interpret them.

Genuinity is so important to me.  In saying it, I can hear the people who don’t love me crying out their *hisses* and *boos!* I can hear them saying things that could bring tears to my eyes, but at the same time, I realize that in this human form I am comfortable making great mistakes and learning from them; it is with great risk that comes great fortune.

Genuinity is important.  I can tell when a person isn’t being genuine.  I may not be able to decipher a four year old’s white lie– because if she’s genuine in what she’s saying to me, I may not know better.  Genuinity isn’t the same as truth– rather, it’s a form of energy that comes with being real about how you feel instead of falsifying it for your own or someone else’s benefit.  (more…)

It’s an adventure twice a day, every day of the work week.  I ride all the way out to Aurora on the Colfax bus and then all the way back to downtown. 

People are so fascinating to me.  I can’t get enough of people watching.

Yesterday, the bus driver had to stop the bus.  One kid, who was blatantly a punk to begin with (I know this because I watched him spit out his peach and throw the half-eaten pit on the ground behind the bus stop, even though the trash can was no more than four feet away from him), but he gets on the bus and decides that it’s appropriate to listen to his music on his cell phone.  There’s a “rule” about music on the bus, and it is that you don’t play it.  You can listen quietly to your iPod or what not, but you shouldn’t have it playing to where other people can hear you.  He was playing his music the entire ride. 

Well, one younger guy got on the bus and didn’t like that this kid was  playing his music; it was against the “rules.”   So he went up to the driver to complain about it.  The driver stopped the bus!  He went to the back of the bus and inquired about who had the radio.  It almost started a brawl between the patrons who were pissed that the guy complained and made the bus driver stop versus the guy who complained because “we have plenty of obnoxious people on the bus as it is and we don’t need another punk playing music!”  Several of the people who were pissed off about having the bus stopped kept throwing out, “We don’t give a Fuck about Rules!”  It’s true.  They don’t.  There are a whole new set of rules for riding the Colfax bus.  I’ll tell you them:  “There are no rules!”

Oi vey.  It was pretty amusing.  I had been chatting with this very young teenager up until then; she initiated the conversation because she saw my Children’s Hospital pin on my backpack.  “You work at Children’s?!” she asked.  So we talked about everything she could think of.  It’s a nice place to work, and I love the positive attention it brings to me.  I love my job!  I was able to be a temporary mentor to this young lady, and I loved every minute of it.

Eventually, the bus got to its last stop: my stop.  Another woman got off of the bus with me, and she & I began chatting, too.  It’s a wonderful way to meet new people to watch.  People fascinate me.

One of these days I’ll get paid to be fascinated by you all.  In the mean time, I’m just having fun practicing!

Just a moment ago, I just went off in this blog box about my education and how it irritates me that sometimes people think that I cannot both Be In a Relationship and Not Be Distracted From my Education.

Then I decided that too many people would take that as something I’m saying directly to them and figured I should probably erase it all for the sake of not causing more trouble for myself than I already do. 

So, here’s what it comes down to:  This is what I’m doing.  I’m working on my degree, working towards a goal.  Just like any other creature does what it does, I am a student, working towards eventually becoming a doctor.  It’s how I’m progressing through my career. This is me following my heart’s desire, and there’s nothing to distract me from it! This IS what I DO!

I dislike the theory that relationships are a distraction.  I mean, I understand the sentiment, but I find it unreasonable to think that one should lock oneself in a tower for several years until they reach all their enormous goals.  That isn’t LIVING!  Instead, I must enjoy the experience.  Every single day, as challenging as they are, are MINE, and I own them.  This is my time.  I’m not just hanging around until I make the right scenarios for myself so I can finally invite someone in whom I can share this with.  Besides, I’d rather ultimately spend time with someone who has stuck with me through all of my challenges and experienced this adventure along with me– rather than meet someone who knows me as I am in the future and not how or where I came from.  Does that make sense? 

This leads me to address some reactions I get when I respond to “What are you doing this weekend?” with “[Fill in the blank with whatever homework I'm working on.]“  For the love of Neil, do NOT respond with “I’m sorry!”  Jebus, how miserable does that sound?  “I’m sorry [that you're so disciplined and following your heart.]” Lame.  Or here’s another good one, “you’re working hard, and I know you miss your friends, but this is the sacrifice you have to make in order reach your goals!”  Eff that!!  The energy I spend to reach my goals absolutely CANNOT be considered to be sacrificial.  If I was sacrificing anything I wouldn’t do it.  I need to love my decisions and love the effort I put into this.  Otherwise, I might as well quit now and find some other passion to fill my time.  

That is all. 

Thanks for letting me sound off there. 

I’m not really even sure where to begin.  I have no idea where the start of my story is.  Have no clue what the storyline is, and even less of an idea as to how it will all end. 

There are days in my story.  Countless, sometimes endless days.  Sometimes it seems like even the brief amount of sleep that is supposed to separate one from the next dissolves into a fleeting moment of an eye blink.   I’m glad things are going this quickly; it leaves me less to be impatient over.

I have learned a great deal of things this semester.  So many that I could not even begin to list them all off for you.  The woman you see before you today, though, is not the woman of yesterday.  Nor is she the woman of last year.  The cumulative changes have broadened my character– have given me that many more puzzle pieces that fit into my personality.  I’ve learned great life lessons that many never seek to discover.

The greatest of all lessons is that I have control.  Pure, utter control over this life.  I can have and say and do whatever I want.  If I can imagine it, it is mine.  There is a time buffer– one that I cry about– whine about– try to negotiate with the Universe over, but regardless of the length of time between the moments I desire something and the moment they come forth, whatever I dream of happens.

The most popular desires I’ve had throughout this year have been interpersonal in nature.  I have desired experiences with one person or another– sometimes many people, and from every ounce of desire, exactly what I’ve thought of has come to fruition.  This is more than intuitive assessment; this is really that the people and instances I’ve wanted have shown up on my doorstep.  Those whom I cared not to partake in have slowly fallen away. 

I’m amazed at my abilities.  I’m dumbfounded when I assess a situation with a person and then reflect and have that Aha! moment where I realize that I had wished this very situation in the past.  And now, here it is.

The depth and magnitude of these circumstances far exceed any of the hopes I had for them.  There are no words to describe the gratification of knowing that I can have it all… And in most circumstances it’s not just the desire of my heart– it’s the behavior I put forth into seeking that which I desire. 

It seems so simple.

And yet there are so many things that I feel are difficult.  Intangible.  Untouchable.  And the reason it takes so long for me to reach those goals is because I fail to believe in them readily as I’ve done with so many other things. 

How do I change that?  How do I create within me the trust and confidence in my abilities– even in the “problem” areas?

I don’t know the answer yet.  However, I do know that the answer will come to me, as everything I have desired has. 

Repeat after me:

I trust that everything will be all right.  Magnificent.  Marvelous.

Even if it sounds like a lie.  I must trust.

I watched a bird die yesterday.  All of us humans watched it, flailing, fearful, and dying.  I think its wing was broken, maybe its spine.  I don’t know if it was hit by the bus I was riding– maybe it flew into the bus at full speed. I don’t know how it came to be upon its deathbed, but everyone’s attention to it drew my eyes towards it as well.  There was a man standing outside, only feet away from it, holding his four year old daughter’s hand.  She watched the bird flap around, wondering if it was going to die.  The father did nothing to protect his child from seeing this.  He just held her hand and watched with her.

She looked up at him, with tears in her eyes.  “Daddy?” I read her lips.  “Are you ready to go now?” he asked her.  She nodded, and they walked away.  I looked back at the bird, and it was lying on its back, its eyes glazed over.  I don’t know if someone put it out of its misery or if it finally just laid on its back and accepted its fate.

We all die someday. 

I could hear others on the bus with me crying out, “Put it out of its misery!” Some shook their heads and looked away.  Some couldn’t help but watch the last dying moments of this simple creature.  It was sad to me, so I forced myself to watch how everyone reacted.  One woman even crossed herself in the name of the Father. 

We all react differently to this experience.  We have our thoughts and fears about death, our hopes and dreams about life, and somewhere in between those hopes and fears, lies our attitude about everything.

It is the simple fact that eventually we all must die that guides us in every aspect of existence, whether we’re aware of it or not.  Somewhere, we must take on a perspective, a consolation, or an allowance for our own mortality, and in doing so, we embrace an entire attitude about life. 

When we are Aware of its significance, we must choose our perspective.  We must choose our attitude…  And in doing so, our entire lives unravel before us.  Revealed in our awareness is the life we watch through a lens of our perception of how life IS.

I choose to trust.  It may sound like a lie sometimes.  It may seem ridiculous.  But I choose to trust because I don’t like the other choices which are fear, worry, and pain.   I choose to trust because it seems to be the choice that feels best.  I might be a dreamer, and some say I have my head in the clouds, and I agree sometimes.  But that’s my choice, and I embrace it.

Fuckin A right.

There are many blessings. Many challenges.  I do mine big.

There is no doubt in my mind that I will get through every day. 

I have come to understand my paintbrush.  It is an amazing tool.  With it, I create a beautiful picture… one that suits my fancies just right.

Ever feel like you want to throw your canvas on the floor and start over?

Sometimes it’s what you have to do in order to paint the next greatest picture.  Sometimes it’s what you have to do when you count your losses, appreciate the ride, and jump off of the horse in a run… looking for the next great adventure.

*sigh*

I’ve had an amazing day today.  Much conflict.  Much conflict resolved.  Argued with a teacher, even.  Elicited salty tears from my eyes, as much as I silently cursed my ducts to stop.  I was embarrassed, frustrated, and tired.   It turned out lovely, though.

It seems to be the lesson for today… the breaking point has been met.  Energy of Activation, so to speak.  Well, once I hit my threshold, apparently I must up heave as much shit as possible in order to settle things correctly.  It’s how it goes.  Do nothing half-assed.  Riiiiight?

There are many things I wish I had handled differently.  It’s not regret, though, it is a learned experience.  In having those, I have been practicing for the more important ones… like knowing how to generally work with people, even if they’re angry with you… like knowing how to work with people, even if you’re angry with them… like knowing when it’s worth a fight or when you just have to let someone walk away… like knowing that in your heart you have to do what’s best for you, even if other people won’t necessarily like it or understand…

I’m not the ace any more.  I mean, I am an A student, and I ace a lot of things, but I have had many many many humbling experiences this semester.  What amazes me is that even still I hear a resounding, “Top of the Class, Ash;” it’s as though even my teachers, through my tears, through the bags under my eyes, through the sloppy techniques, inaccurate readings, half-done papers, they still see it.  They’re seeing in me even when I see right through me.  It works out okay, as long as it’s not always me hearing, “I know you can do better than this, why don’t you?”

I must say that I’ve created every single thing absolutely perfectly for the circumstances I have desired.  Beautifully, I acknowledge that I can change my mind at any time.  I tend to stick with things, though.  I tend to think things through thoroughly before I make my wish.  The genie in the lamp sometimes tires of me to make a decision.  Once I’ve decided, though, there is very little that will stop me.  In fact, almost nothing.  It’s almost a fault. 

Almost, but not quite.

Yeah.  I can’t believe how difficult this semester is.  I would’ve never expected it.  I can’t believe how difficult this experience can be sometimes.  It’s rather fortunate that I have no doubts in my ability to handle it.  It’s like I’ve said before… now that I’ve had the experience, I know how to do it better the next time.  The next times are knocking at my door incessantly, but it only gives me greater opportunities to change my behavior… testing it, so to speak, to see if there isn’t a better way of handling these challenges. 

I’ve set myself up extraordinarily.  I just didn’t realize it would be this difficult.  I can’t imagine doing this if I had had no say in any of it.  I wouldn’t be able to.  I recognize my weaknesses for what they are.  They cannot stop me!

Growth and change and patience and growth and change and patience and growth and change and patience… I’m seeing a pattern.

Growth in who I am, how I feel, how I feel about myself. Growth in my knowledge.  Growth in my understanding.  Growth in my awareness and in my acceptance.

Change.  Fuck, there’s change. 

Patience.  Good Goddess, how much more do I have to BE?!?  I thought I was a patient person, but…

I have news for me.  I have more to learn.  I am learning every day.  Every moment. 

I am learning that every time I start to feel like I’ll never reach my goal at this pace, that it is the journey which is a majority of my experience.  The journey is the climax, the focus, the ride along the way.  Never losing sight of my goals, I can still spend the time it takes to just BE.  And BE satisfied.  If I were to die tomorrow, would I look back and say mine was a fruitful life?  Absolutely, even if I never reached that big Pie In The Sky Goal.  I suppose it’s my tenacity in continuing on along a seemingly endless road that I like most about me.  That and my charming good looks.  *wink*  (more…)

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