It’s completely pointless to wonder if you’ve chosen well.   Pointless to query whether the decisions you’ve made were an accurate reflection of the things you wish to represent you.   The facts of the matter are that there are NO right or wrong decisions, and that everything we do is an opportunity to experience this life– in the highs and lows, in the hopes and dreams and everything that is magnificently interwoven within the short time we have here on this planet.

I’m so fucking exhausted.  Emotionally, mentally, philosophically, spiritually, physically.

These are my choices, though.  This is the path I’ve ventured down and I’ve no desire to move backwards, by any means.  You don’t turn around every time the terrain gets rough.  You either find a way across the terrain or you find a new path.

I’ve no interest in finding a new path.

I just have to get past this sketchy spot– this gap in the road where I must fearlessly dangle or else fall down.  I am Rockstar.  I don’t fall down.  I may gracelessly fling myself at the other side, but I most certainly DO NOT FALL DOWN.

There are so many lessons I’ve gathered.  So much time now to sit down and reflect on them.  Analyze them, take from them my understanding of how my actions created the domino effect that led me to where I’m at right this minute.

To be perfectly clear… I feel this way every year during this time in the semester.

I feel drained.  I’ve seen this pattern in myself.  This is the time of year that I start going to the doctor asking, “WHY am I so exhausted?”

Well, let’s see here, Ash.  What could you possibly be doing that makes you exhausted???

*thinking*

The definition of insanity is to continue repeating the same behaviors– yet expecting something new to happen.

Is there truly something I could do differently that would make me less exhausted yet still maintain my Rock Stardom?

Ideally, I would like to have less on my plate.  I’m ready to settle down.  To lessen the force I put upon myself.  To not aggravate the stress fractures within my stable Rock Starness.

Apparently, though, I enjoy pushing myself to the brink of breakdown.  I want to see Just How Far I Can Go.

Fuck that.  It’s insane and…

Well, it’s me.

I’m totally an overachiever.  I guess I just get bored and have to take it to the next level.  Every damn semester.

So, either I LIKE feeling this way, or I’m crazy.  One of the two.  Either I’m doing it because I’m addicted to feeling exhausted, or I am the definition of insanity.

Great.

Put that in your pop can and smoke it.

It’s good to take some time to come back to terms with myself.  Good to examine and evaluate.  To focus on me.
My relationship with myself is possibly the most important relationship I have.   And sometimes the easiest to let slip away.

I am so very thankful for the opportunity to learn and experience emotion.

Without the pain and fears, I cannot truly appreciate my highs.

There are so many core relationships I’ve had that have touched me so deeply.  And with every turn and every inch forward I move, I take those along with me.  Whether those lessons are accompanied with the person in real life, or only within memory, I retain them.

After all, it is not the person that I am clinging onto, it is the memory of what I experienced that continues.

Okay, I feel SO much better now.

A phone call from my guy, and a suggestion that I stick with what I know: sammiches.

I can’t go wrong with what I KNOW how to fix.   And the kids will eat it.

I’m a professional sammich maker.  Good whole wheat bread, sliced cheddar rather than American, whole tomatoes, sliced meat from the deli, apples, strawberries…

Healthy and edible.  NOT terrible.  Yay!!!

I also picked up some stuff that I can “cook” easily and quickly.  Stuff that *I* will eat, too.  We picked out pasta and broccoli and pasta sauce.  The kids helped me with that stuff, and they got to help pick the shapes of the pasta out.  I also picked up both kids a pair of flip flops to stay here because I know that they both really love wearing flip flops.  And I got some colored pencils, a package for each of them.  Those were a surprise and a real hit.

And, with reassurance that I can successfully feed them sammiches for every meal, and they will neither starve, become nutritionally deficient, nor refuse to eat it.

ALSO, a big key factor that I cannot ignore on these days alone with the kids is nap time! Yes, they don’t get naps at school, but school is structured, and therefore somehow easier to get away without napping.  But here, a nap time is essential.  They run around aimlessly, play when and with what they want to play, and are at whatever whim I’m at with regards to time management.

And with those simple (obvious) things in mind, I feel fabulous.  Wonderful.  Relieved.  And for that, I’m extraordinarily thankful.

As you all may have gathered,

I have a tiny bit more free time on my hands at the moment.  At least… while I’m not trying to feed the kids.

I was tagged by the Lovely Catatonic Kid (I added “Lovely” on for emphasis, did you catch it?), whom I’ve not officially introduced myself to yet, but will take the opportunity to do so now, publicly.

And in doing so, I will provide you all with eight beautifully unknown secrets about myself.

*thinking*

*still thinking*

So, here’s the problem.  I blog.  Like, a lot.  And I tell you all almost everything, except for the things I don’t want you to know.  And the things I don’t want you to know, well, I won’t very well tell you now.  (She’s a smart cooky)

(Cookie was intentionally misspelled there, people.)

Okay.  I have the challenge to tell you all eight somethings NEW.

Dammit. Well, here we go.

• #8: I have had a few horrifying nightmares in which I didn’t realize I was asleep, yet saw things in my room, believing I had just laid down.  One time was a pink light image that danced in my corner, and the other time was when I sat up, turned my head to my door and someone was inches from my face and whispered “Boo.” I screamed and clamored both times.
• #7: I just went through my house and locked all my doors having told you that.  Apparently those memories still scare the hell out of me.   Geeze, I’m such a girl sometimes.
• #6: I am a hypochondriac.  Certifiably neurotic.
• #5:  I prefer to mix all of my food together when I eat.  I enjoy the mismatching textures of foods, and will very cunningly put three or four different food items on my fork at once, even when we’re at the Grandparents or in public. It’s very sneaky of me.
• #4: I have grown more modest as I’ve grown up.  I used to be shameless, and now, for some reason, I’m inclined to shut the blinds.  It’s very odd.
• #3: (yay, only three more of these to go!!!) I’ve never had a threesome.  Frankly, I don’t think it’s going to happen.
• #2: I pretend to be passive, only because I don’t like conflict.  Really, I’m not passive at all.  I just want you to think I am.
• #1: I used to have recurring nightmares as a kid.  (I figure the nightmare thing is something we should delve into.)  One of the nightmares involves my mom and I in an art museum, and I get sucked into a painting of a forest.  There’s a bear in the painting. I can’t get back out of the painting to tell my mom where I’m at.  She leaves me there.  Another one I would have was really quite explicit, but I would be abducted and forced into a van where I was dressed in baby’s clothes.  Finally, I would have a dream that there was a ginormous spider trying to get in my room– and my German Shepherd, Char, would try to rescue me, but when I let the dog into my room, I inadvertently let the spider in.

So, I think I could do a blog on dreams from my childhood.  Maybe later.  Tomorrow.

Maybe not.

I’m a terrible cook.

I mean, I can feed myself.  But I have to feed the kids.  I made chicken noodle soup, using Grammy’s chicken broth.  And I used some tapioca noodles– something we had in the cupboard.

The first go around, I boiled the noodles too long and it ended up a goopy starchy mess.  So I decided to fish all the noodles out, and threw them away.   I boiled a new round of noodles. I put some corn in the broth.  I put the freshly cooked noodles in the soup.

I tried to serve it to the kids.  It wasn’t terrible.

They proceeded to tell me how terrible it was.

I lost it.  I mean, not outwardly.  I threw away the soup.  Cleaned up the kitchen.

I couldn’t not feed them dinner.  I mean, they’re just kids and they weren’t intentionally trying to hurt my feelings.

Luckily there was a can of some gross generic raviolis.  I heated those up, and they ate.  I know they knew I was upset, but they possibly have never seen a grown up on the verge of tears over something they unintentionally did.

A whirlwind of emotions swirled up in me… I went outside and cried.

It’s ridiculous, really.  I should be able to just play along, head held high.  Maybe if I wasn’t such an emotional wreck inside…

My mom called before dinner.  “Are you holding up?”

“yeah.”

“You don’t sound like you’re doing okay.”
“I’m fine.”

I don’t have any other option to be at this point.  She reminded me that I chose all of this.  That I chose to be in this position.  I’m really trying to remember that and to stay positive.  I’m trying to appreciate the beauty, and I refuse to be unhappy this entire time… that’s not healthy.  I also recognize my limitations.  And that I have chosen this and can ask for help.

This is a significant practice in discovering who I am.

So, I don’t want you to pick up and head out of here, but this lady found me, and she’s got the same looking blog as mine, and, well, she’s WAY funnier than me.

I thought you might like to check it out.

Here’s the kicker though:  You can’t leave me.  Yes, her page looks as nice as mine.  It’s almost creepy to see my theme up in someone else’s blog.  Yes, she’s funny.  And you just can’t help but want to read more of what she writes.

BUT YOU LOVE ME!!!

Okay, carry on.  Just make sure you know whether you’re reading hers vs. mine.    It would be very easy to think you’re on my page and really be on hers.  And she doesn’t care to discover any of our little amusing secrets.

Um… Did you know there are seven types of plastic? Some are easy to recycle, others are not.

You may want to consider this as you encounter plastics on your day to day life.

You all may recall my reasoning for ditching my Nalgene (RIP my formerly beloved security blanket)…

Well, here’s something interesting to know. Not only can I NOT use my Nalgene because the BPA in it makes my PMS out of control, but plastics like that are extremely difficult to recycle. Hmm. Gives a whole new perspective to Tupperware, no? What other craziness are we getting from our foods?
Also, I recently learned that there is a collection of plastics in our ocean– caught there in a vortex caused by current streams in the Pacific ocean. You’ll be amazed to know that this collection is the size of Texas! Greeeeaaat. So the marine life, attracted to the colors of our plastic waste that blows in the air from land to sea, consume the plastic. If we’re just now learning about the dangers of BPA on humans… what about the dangers of the fish, birds, and other sea life consuming all this plastic? It’s pretty unthinkable.

In celebration of Earth Day, you might’ve heard that Whole Foods has stopped handing out plastic bags with groceries… and you may know that many grocery stores are talking about charging for plastic bags… well some good news is that we don’t NEED more plastic bags… and that you can take your plastic bags back to King Soopers, and put them in the recycling container at the front of the store. If you local grocery store doesn’t already have a plastic bag recycling stop, the way they’ll get one is for you to start asking about it!!!

We can prevent more plastic waste from blowing around the earth– and being consumed by the wildlife that doesn’t know any better about our wasteful death traps, by being the tiniest bit proactive. Hey, even a little change is better than none, right?

For some good news…

I’ve decided that I have to recycle in order to really do MY part in averting the madness that has become our daily trash routine.

It’s about time, and I figure NOW is as good a time as any to get started.

Here’s a resource for the recycling of some of the questionable stuff you may not have thought of.

The List of things you can recycle is nearly endless:

• Aerosol cans
• Adhesives
• Aluminum/ Aluminum cans
• Antifreeze
• Appliances
• Asphalt
• Automotive Products
• Automobiles
• Batteries
• Books
• Brass
• Cardboard
• Carpet & Pads
• Cleaners & waxes
• Clothes
• Computers/ printers
• Concrete
• Drums & barrels
• Eyewear
• Flammables
• Fluorescent lighting
• Freon
• Furniture
• Household hazardous waste
• Ink Jet Cartridges
• Magazines/ catalogs
• Mercury
• Motor Oil - used
• Newspaper
• Office Paper
• Oil filters
• Paint
• Pallets
• Poison
• Propane tanks
• Scrap metal
• Thermostats/ Thermometers
• Tires
• Yard waste (branches/leaves/grass/sod)

For the stuff that’s more common, you can easily drop it off at Lakewood Recycling Center. It’s at 1050 Quail St. in Lakewood, CO

They’re open 24/7; paper, recyclable plastic, recyclable metal, recyclable glass… lakewood.org

They make it pretty easy for us newbies. We don’t have to separate any of it– just drop off the following:

• Newspapers, magazines, office paper, junk mail
• Telephone books
• Aluminum, plastic, glass, tin (and more!)
• Cardboard

All of this goes into any one of those dumpsters, and it’s pretty easy to do this. I’m finding things that I would’ve never thought about… like laundry soap containers (I rinsed these out first), face wash bottles, vitamin bottles, shampoo bottles…

Here’s a link for some recycling guidelines for Louisville, CO…

Also, here’s a handy dandy link that gives you a list of things you can recycle, and then it gives you a list of places you can take them to!!!

Saturday mornings might be the hardest time of the week to be without him.

I have the kids, which translates into responsibility.

It also translates into a pseudo-alone time, which I’m supposed to embrace.

The kids DO keep me entertained.  We watched Sword in the Stone last night.   This morning, I fed them sugary oatmeal (I’m a bad step mommy, heh), and now Tyler’s teaching Jameson (the Great Dane) how to talk and read.   It’s pretty adorable.  Jameson is SUCH a good dog.  He just looks at Tyler.  “Can you say, ‘Ro-bot’?”  “Jameson, can you say Ba-ba-balll?”  “Can you say purple?”

Heh.

I’ve got a lot to do.  Why do I just want to sit on the couch and sleep?

I feel so disenchanted today.

In some strange way, I recognize that the turn of the emotional pendulum is terribly healthy, and it’s pertinent to experience the dramatic lows of life in order to truly appreciate the highs. It is the contrast that often defines within us what we want. And in knowing the difference, we are able to focus on what we want from our experience instead of bumbling about knowing neither what we want nor what leads us into the pits of pity.

That disclaimer aside, I am disenchanted. I feel like one who is finally beginning to realize that maybe people aren’t generally good. Perhaps it’s possible that our justice system isn’t just. This all falls under the “Life isn’t Fair” category, and frankly it fucking sucks.

One characteristic I’ve always loved about myself was my hope and faith. It saddens me to believe that perhaps the naive little girl within me is becoming jaded. I look around at what we’ve done and struggle to NOT feel despair. To not feel angst over the lavish little hell we’ve fashioned to go along our obsession over the meaningless, the wasteful, the harmful. We’ve lost the sense of right or wrong– not because anything truly was ever wrong but because we’ve placed judgment, a value perception of high priority vs. non-priority on things that lead us into ethical battles… arguments that can not be won by either side.

And in doing so, we’ve disregarded common sense. It should be common sense that resolves litigations. It should be common sense that guides our decisions when we’re trying to consider what sort of scientific advancements we’ll focus on next. Common sense should tell us that it is not right to trash this planet in the name of money. Common sense should guide us when we’re feeling overly zealous or entitled in our behaviors… But common sense is a myth any more. It doesn’t exist, and people don’t use it to help them consider repercussions when we make decisions. We’ve become gluttonous and greedy. It’s very sad, really.

In mourning for the death of my naivety, I wish to remember its charm for what it was when I had it.

I was blissful. So happy. So in love with everything.

I’m not saying I won’t feel these things again, but something in me HAS changed. My eyes are opened, and much in the way Eve’s were after her first juicy bite of freedom… but I still cling to the hopes that one day the world will seem generally good again.

I know I’ve got to focus on what I want. Happiness is truly an attitude. I GET that.

Hopelessness falls into the very next vein. I am struggling with it… almost begging someone to remind me differently.

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