Holy fuck.  I cannot believe I was just on the phone for more than an hour.  I’ve realized a lot of things in this last hour, and I have so much to think about that I immediately ran for my blog so that I can write it all down and so that I can share these things with you.Creative manifesting.  First, something you need to know about creating everything that is within your world: you create EVERYTHING, good and bad, consciously or unconsciously.  You are the master of the universe, YOUR universe, and everything you present before yourself is exactly what you meant it to be.So why do bad things happen to good, positive creators?  This is a hard question to ask, because it’s a difficult question to answer.  Often we need these experiences so that we can appreciate the positive experiences, (contrast defines beauty that much more dramatically) but also because often we must go through the experiences and lessons in order to mature and perfect what it is that we’re creating.   Sometimes we pick the wrong creations so that we can learn from them so once we do have that which we TRULY desire, we will appreciate it with the maturity and grace that we wouldn’t have had otherwise.

It’s much easier to feel genuinely grateful if it didn’t just fall into our laps, right?I kept asking myself, then, why it was that I would create such a beautiful, pure love for myself only to lose it.  I have wondered this for the last few weeks- why is it that I, this powerful creator, would create something so honest, so deep, so real– such as the love I experienced– only to have it walk away, leaving me in a crumpled mess on the floor?  Why would I, this powerful creator, do something like that to myself?  The answer isn’t so simple, it’s tenfold.  First, I didn’t know I could feel these things.  I didn’t think I was capable of feeling pure love or pure heartbreak.  Now I know.  I also know that I could have easily created the heartbreak because prior to this particularly uncomfortable experience, I had believed myself to be invincible. I was walking on sunshine.  I was unstoppable.  Sometimes in order to truly appreciate the sunshine and that light floaty feeling, it’s important for me to understand that I’m NOT invincible. I’m human, and I’m fragile.  And knowing this makes me that much more human and grateful for the experience.  The very vulnerability that I’m so afraid of exposing to the world is the thing that makes me real, that keeps me honest, that which allows me to feel the highs and lows of love.  I created the heartbreak just as clearly as I created the love because without one, I could not empathize with someone who has experienced such pain of the other.  I pride myself on empathy.  I had to experience it in order to really be genuine when I say, “I know how you feel.”  I created this heartbreak so that many other doors and opportunities would open, so that I could connect with other people in ways that otherwise would have been impossible.Honestly, for the last two weeks, I, too, have been broken.  I can offer up silver linings and happy wishes and whatever… but I have been a mess inside.  Tonight I realized that this anguish I’ve felt has slowly been peeking its way through to my physical body… my skin is a mess, my body aches and hurts, and I feel fat again.  It amazes me how my negative emotions rob me of the beauty I generally know to be mine.  Tonight my eyes are opened as to how and what I’m doing to myself, and it makes me realize that I need to focus on ME, focus my thoughts and my healing energy on my wholeness.  Part of the experience is the lesson, and I believe that I have found it.  The rest of the experience is on making myself a stronger person having learned the lesson, and this is the part that surprisingly I am excited to get on with.  I must look myself directly in the eyes, focus on the goal, which is healing, and then allow myself to let go of the things that still hurt within me.I have to refocus and redefine my creative process. I must write it all down, thinking it, feeling it, creating it, and then finally, releasing it.  I just created the most extraordinary job for myself.  I create $100 bills all the time.  I created my beautiful body, and I am certainly capable of creating the glow that shines from the inside out.  It’s time now for me to spend some moments with myself, to really examine what it is that I want from this life, and to get down to the nitty gritty details of what I will be desiring.  Sometimes a good portion of the battle of a powerful creator is figuring out what it is that you want. I have a lot to think about.Initially, I know that I want to be a doctor. I want this first and foremost, more than anything else in this experience.  I have set myself up perfectly for this opportunity, and I have discovered a job within the field that is supportive of this goal; I’ve even created myself a mentor, who is offering me ample opportunities to prove my drive and motivation and is willing to help me out in ways that I had never really even dreamt of.I want to live happily and harmoniously in this house that I am living for the next several years.  In the next several years, I intend on improving my credit score and preparing myself for the opportunity to buy my own first home.  In my first home, I will have an eight jet bathtub, lots of windows and sunshine, and all of the comforts of this home.I want loving companionship.  I want someone who motivates me, encourages me, and loves me for exactly who I am, and I for them.   I want someone who will be willing to stick by my side while I accomplish my dreams and they theirs.I want to surround myself with people I want to be like.  I’ve already successfully done this for myself, and I intend on continuing to do so.  Life is filled with infinite possibilities, and the people in this universe are here to appreciate and be appreciated.   I have the most rewarding and blissful relationships with people who are loving, affectionate, encouraging, and genuine.…I’m certain there is more in the pipeline of this creative opportunity.   Now I will take the time to heal my body and soul.  Now is the time for me to really give myself the room to breathe, the healthiness to thrive, and the love to flourish.  I’m quite certain that as I heal from this experience, I will become that much more strengthened as a human being.  I am polishing up my intentional creations, and I am only becoming an even more incredible woman along the way.

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