A Sheep in Wolf’s Clothing

One of my readers recently asked me about how I analyze people.  In order to shed a little more light about what it is to analyze people, I am going to tell you a little bit about my experiences with being socially awkward.

I once had a girlfriend who proclaimed that she was socially awkward.

She would fumble within conversations and had a difficult time speaking in front of others.  She felt discomfort in most social situations, even though she was popular, kind, and overall an extremely likable woman.

Since having the concept defined for me, I have caught myself in numerous socially awkward situations– ones that especially led me to wishing I had a means to change things around.  Why couldn’t I?

If you think about it, social awkwardness only works if you act like you’re socially awkward.

For instance, imagine yourself in a situation that you do not belong.  It must be a situation where other people are around you, and one where they would notice that you do not belong.  Imagine the stares and the people who would approach you to let you know you were in the wrong situation.

Now, imagine yourself walking into the same situation, and acting like you belong.

I don’t care how far from the “norm” you are in the situation.

If you go into a situation, regardless of how much you don’t belong, acting like you DO belong, the others around you will also act like you belong

This boils down to basic evolutionary psychology: the pack mentality.

You’ve likely heard of alpha males.  And maybe you’ve even heard of alpha females.

Just in case you haven’t, I’ll define it.  An “alpha” is anyone who leads a pack of people/dogs/etc, whether it’s their own pack or another’s.

If you watch a group people for more than a few minutes and the alpha will stand out to you.  The alpha is the one who seemingly calls the shots.  They direct the conversation, they make eye contact, and their body language is that of comfort, confidence, and calm. In some groups, there are multiple alphas.  However, those alphas will also have a pecking order, and with enough time and observation, you’ll eventually discover the order.

The secret of avoiding social awkwardness?  Be the alpha.

Even if you walk into a group with an accepted alpha, you will belong.  You’ll have to quickly identify the alpha and usually it’s best to side up with them.  There are too many possible scenarios to be able to write about the specific interaction, or how best to side up with the alpha, so I won’t go into it… but one should make good judgments as they proceed lest they unwittingly come to heads with the alpha.  That’s no good.

Instead, you walk in, chin up, body open and comfortable, and you act like you belong there.

You might not have to say anything, or you might.  Either way, your response should resemble that of comfort and belonging.  Most likely, no one will say anything to you.  If the current alpha is territorial, he or she may approach you.  That’s another excellent way of identifying the alpha: the one who approaches you will always be the alpha.  Or… I suppose if it’s a mobster situation, then maybe the wing man will approach, but hopefully we’re talking about less… interesting situations than that of a mobster situation. (Besides that, how the hell’d you get yourself into that situation, anyway?)

The point is that no one will question your belonging if you are acting like you belong.  There are exceptions, but few.

And that’s one of the ways I analyze a group of people.  Sometimes I figure out the alpha.   Sometimes I experiment with my own personal presentation, to get a feel of what to expect.  You’ll have to hang around a bit for me to reveal my other secrets.  :)