Into The Rabbit Hole

Frankly, I’m pleased I made it through the semester.

I’m not completely over yet, but I’m close.  Finish two papers, and I’ll be golden.

I have to figure out how to pay for school next Fall.  Apparently one CAN run out of financial aid.  It’s right at the $43,000 mark.  Hmph.  Apparently that’s how much financial aid debt I have.  Well, that was easy to spend.  Now I’m going to have to find scholarships.   I cannot take any time (other than the summer) off from school, because if I fall below six credit hours, I will be required to pay back that 43K in monthly payments to the tune of $500.  So, pay for two classes and the books for those classes: $2000 for the entire semester or pay monthly $500 until I’m able to afford school again… fabulous!

And it’s been four weeks without my guy.  Five more, and that’ll be done; he’ll be home and life will be on its path.

I’m home by myself at this point.  Well, sort of by myself.  I have the kids with me.  I am thankful.  My head feels a bit quieter.

This weekend will be good.  Hopefully I’ll get the bulk of my two papers completed.  I won’t have the kids after tomorrow– and will get them back on Tuesday.  That’s a good amount of time to get focused.

Monday is my Pappa Luke’s funeral.  That will be good for closure.   I believe I’ve come to terms with his death.  I believe it was a good thing.  Perhaps it’s all death that I need to come to terms with.  Amazingly, I have had considerably less panic lately.  And no more shaking before bed.  Or if I’m experiencing it, I’m more comfortable with the idea that I’m neither dying nor crazy.

It’s nine o’clock.  The kids’ lunches are made.  Tyler’s homework is complete and in his backpack.  The coffee pot is ready for me to flip the red switch.  Their oatmeal is in a bowl, waiting for boiling water.  The kids’ clothes are washed, and ready to go back to their mom’s.  The dogs are fed, the kids are in bed, and I am done with my classes for this semester.  *exhale*

I will be dropping the kids off at school early tomorrow.  Just figured out I don’t have the key card to get them in the school.  Hope I don’t have to stand outside long…

One foot in front of the other, one hour at a time, one day at a time.