I had a moment of clarity.  I’ve been trying to put it into words since I realized it this morning.  I have posted a few non-sensible blogs in hopes to be inspired when my fingers started typing in my box-o-comfort that looks like a blog posting box. The problem is that I’m suddenly presented with a writers block. Suddenly, I’m concerned about putting it down in type. Suddenly, I am uncertain of things from behind and yet at the same time, things before me look brilliant. How shall I put this….?

So.  This blog is a diary for me, so to speak.  I don’t put everything in it– but I put a lot of soul, a lot of spirit, a lot of my thoughts down here.  I’ve recently met someone– erk, not met, but re-connected with– someone who reads my blogs, now.  I was wondering how it was that this person could know me… could really know me, if a good portion of their exposure to me is primarily through my writing. So, out of sheer curiosity, I wanted to go back and read my blogs.  I wanted to see what it was that I’m putting out there– what it looks like from your perspective… how you pick up with I put down… you know what I mean.

Perception is 99% reality, you know.  It doesn’t matter, truly, who I really am, it matters how you perceive me… your perception shapes every one of our interactions, as my perceptions of you shape my experience, which ultimately affects you.So I went back.  I re-read all of my blogs from this year. Wow. I mean, like REALLY wow. I was in a pretty sad place in January.  I continued to mope my way through some sad times throughout February… but I plugged right along.  What’s interesting is that for me, re-reading my blogs takes me back to the emotions I was experiencing at the time I was writing them.  I can tell you precisely what every single blog was about… every one.  And I can probably tell you what had happened that day to trigger these passionate blogs. Wow.  Really.  (did I mention this?)

Honestly, I am pretty impressed with myself.  I’m impressed with my persistent growth.  I’m impressed with my inability to stay knocked down for long.  Even on wretched, miserable days, I still went looking for that silver lining. So this realization that overwhelmed me was this: I was consumed.  I was clouded, blinded… for an unreciprocated experience.  I was so consumed by what I believed in my mind and heart that I held onto it, regardless of what I was hearing on the outside.   Have you ever been there?  Have you ever had someone tell you something, repeating it over and over, but instead of hearing what they say, you only interpret it?  That’s exactly what I had been doing.  Interpreting.  Really, that is a very common behavior for me.  I’m always analyzing and picking everything apart.  I can’t watch television because it irritates me… I tend to have a strange sense of humor because I just don’t think that most people are funny… I analyze and interpret, sometimes to a fault. In my defense, I’m usually pretty good at it.  Percipiency is my middle name. But sometimes there are circumstances that prevent me from having an accurate perception.

Alas, I GET it. So.  All words aside, I don’t regret my experiences.  I don’t regret my cloudiness.  In fact, I hope I find cloudiness again here real soon. *grin*   But, it’s fascinating to me to see just what was going on in my head… it’s fascinating to me to see what I put out there for you to taste… if you could only see me in person: it’s these blogs, only tenfold.  It’s interesting how I had picked and had chosen what I wrote– all of my words are absolutely intentional.  I smirk a little when remembering how I utilized a clever word to “just so” convey to you what was in my heart. A lot of my personality comes out in these blogs.  In fact, I’m so desperate for you know me, that when I’m alone, I can’t help but write.  I have to express my thoughts– or else I’ll probably explode, and that would be messy.

A lot of me comes out in these experiences, and it makes me wonder if I’m not better at communicating via written word rather than via voice.  *shrug* maybe not. Anyway, I had the realization. I’m pretty proud of myself for identifying all of my neuroses in writing.  I’ll have you know there are many that are gone now.  One major thing is that I’m not afraid of death any more.  That’s pretty significant… wrote about that a lot.  There’s a pretty strong theme about me loving my friends.  Yessum.  I write about sex, and sometimes drugs, and, well, lots about creating what you want.   I’m a pretty fascinating person. One blog that really struck a chord in me, though: “If you don’t love her, someone will.”  I’m really proud of that.  It’s true. I’ve gone through a significant amount of growth in the last six months.  *nods*

Truly, it feels good to reflect.  Constant growth, constant learning, and constant analyzing. *shrug*
But hey, that’s just me.

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