Into The Rabbit Hole

I awake, my head spinning.

I am curled up, my knees against my breast, my chin against my knees, my arms wrapped around my legs.  I cannot move.

I am in a fog, and am unsure of where I am.  I cannot stretch my legs, in fact, I cannot move.  I am inside of a box.  I try to wiggle. There’s not much room around me to move at all.  I can pull my arms into me, but I cannot lift my head.  There is wall against my back, above my head, and at my feet.  My elbows don’t have room to bend, so my attempts to feel my way around the structure are hindered.  I pierce the skin on my right index finger on something. 

Fuck. It’s dark.  I’m trying to decide if my eyes are open and it’s really that dark inside of my enclosure, or if I haven’t figured out how to open my eyes yet. I keep trying to lift my head from my knees, but I keep running into something. Read the rest of this entry »

I soak up emotions like a sponge.  Apparently that’s called empathy.  I understand most people, and can explain 99% of all human behavior.  I understand why people act how they do, what their motivations are, and I can anticipate what their previous actions were leading up to said behavior as well as what behavior would follow. Generally, that’s how I’m able to communicate well with people.  Generally, that’s how I’ve accommodated unpredictable behavior, how I’ve negotiating escalated issues, how I’ve generally had any outcome I’ve chosen out of a situation. Generally. It’s those people that I don’t GET who alarm me.  Sometimes, I don’t even notice the red flags until they become the flames lapping out the windows, like my life engulfed in the flames of someone who I haven’t understood or felt.   It’s a little jarring.  A little discomforting, when I’ve judged someone’s behavior incorrectly. A little frightening. There’s a woman who calls me at work that I referred to as “psycho” today.  She’s heartless, and she’s vile, she’s rude, mean, and just plain evil.  I understand that she’s afraid, freaked out, and has a very, very sick little boy. I get that. I can understand how she would be super emotional and/ or demanding of our attention.  But her behavior is outside of that which we’d label socially acceptable.  It’s outside that which we’d guess was appropriate, and her words are piercing and abrasive, shouted at me with the sugar sweet voice of Mommy Dearest.  However, I understand her, and know exactly what to say to her.  I still think she’s wretched, and going straight to hell for some of the things that come out of her mouth (not to say I believe in hell, that’s another blog entirely), but I GET her. It’s those people who I cannot predict, cannot GET that catch me off guard.  You think you know someone, think they are one person, when they blow your entire stability out of the water with something that is completely uncharacteristic of them. Those are the people I wonder about.  Those are the people who strike fear into my heart like Hannibal Lector struck fear in the heart of the Cherise.  My spine turns to icicles when I realize that I’ve pegged someone wrong altogether.

  I really don’t even feel like writing.  I’m so tired. I am disconnected from several of my girlfriends.  I am losing the new ones I recently discovered. My thoughts have been so scattered lately.  I have had a difficult time writing out anything terribly coherent.  I know it’s because I’ve been busy. I’ve been struggling to not be disenchanted today.  I know that there is a fever within me that can be healed if I only stop and be still.  It’s just that I feel so disappointed.  I know that this disappointed feeling is only due to setting expectations for someone rather than just letting them be.  My needs are one thing, my expectations are another.  I am okay with the change and being let down.  Ultimately it is because I know that all of the beautiful creatures I surround myself with are also on their own paths, working towards their own greater good.  Sometimes, though, heart break is a real feeling, and though perhaps it comes from a place that would not have happened had I not set forth expectations, it’s still a real, genuine, heart-felt emotion that I am okay with experiencing.  I just have to remind myself that these emotions are the very things that allow me to also feel elated and enamored.  These human feelings, all be them slightly uncomfortable, are natural, and remind me that I’m human after all. I’m so filled with advice.  Every time I find myself sharing advice, I pray that when I come to the place in my life where I, too, can follow my own advice. Now is that time.  And here I am, shouting out to the universe “rescue me!  I need a miracle!” Time to mother myself.  I’m so good at mothering everyone else.  I’m disorganized.  Something needs to change there.  I need to make a list of the things I have to get done, and then actually do them.  Is that enough?   …And then I go back to my unexpecteds blog.  

And I shout out to the universe, “Is this all you’ve got?!?!”

I draw a line with my fingertips along the curves of my cheek bones.  I’m so tired, I can see the bags under my eyes getting darker while I stare at myself in the mirror. I’m high off of endorphins. But so tired. I need a vacation and a rest.  So many good things are happening, that I forget to breathe.  I forget to sleep.  I don’t really forget to sleep, I just go to bed later and get up earlier. It’s not time for a vacation.  I’m worried that time is running out for me to get everything accomplished.  It’s a sense of urgency that I can’t shake.  I’m getting older every day. What is this urgency? I’m doing everything I need to be doing. I’m in my groove.  I’m creating in leaps and bounds. There’s nothing I’m overlooking.  I’m afraid that I’m leaving something out.  What is it that I’m forgetting?What is this life?  This purpose? Why must I question it when everything is going so perfectly?

Please don’t think I’m crazy.I’m just telling you these things from the depth of my heart.They’re just emotions. They aren’t necessarily reality, and just because I feel them right this minute doesn’t mean that’s who and how I am.Why do I instantly fear you’ll think I’m crazy?Why do I instantly associate emotions with instability?My brain is only reacting to chemicals… to hormones.  My body naturally produces them. No, I’m not trying to be dramatic. Just trying to express them.  If I don’t put them out there somehow, I’ll bottle them up. Half of what I’m saying isn’t really even true. Not lying, just expressing. I’m scared that I’m going to scare you off. You’ll see that I”m not perfect. *gasp*What?  I’m not PERFECT?And I’m human?What?That’s impossible.  And humans feel these wacked out, fucked up things?You humans are fucking crazy.  

I am a talented young woman.  I am twenty-six years old, have a knack for growing things, giving great advice, and writing.  I have a passion that is driving me to go into the field of medicine.  I want to study neurology and psychiatry.  I want to do research on how chemicals affect mood and behavior. I want to help people.  I want to find solutions to behavioral problems so that I can possibly prevent maladaptive behavior.  I have excellent grades and am a great student.  I have recently discovered the Law of Attraction, and I have never been happier than I’ve been in the last six months.  I understand that we create our reality and I full embrace my ownership of all things in this life. I am on the verge of quitting my current job, which pays me well.  I am a type A personality and require organization, a positive work environment and healthy co-workers.  Right now I’m in a business that is chaotic, unhappy, and is driving me insane.  I can’t work there any longer because it is driving me into depressive thoughts, behaviors, and I’m having difficulty concentrating on the one thing that I love in life, which is my education.  Read the rest of this entry »

Someone was ringing my doorbell.  It was late, and I was in the house all by myself.  I was groggy from sleeping, and I instinctively sat up, threw my legs over the side of the bed. I shivered because I had been dreaming of something that had made me sweaty; now I was chilly.  Who the hell was ringing my doorbell at this hour?  I wasn’t expecting anyone. I tiptoed downstairs to see if I could figure out who was at my front door.  I know the floorboards well, so I was very careful not to step on any of the squeaky steps or to make a whole lot of noise. There was a light on outside the door, and I could see the silhouette of a man, nervously shifting his weight from one foot to another.  This couldn’t be good.  It was the middle of the night and some stranger was restlessly waiting for me to come to the door.  Read the rest of this entry »

You have to pick your battles!There are going to be people and things that annoy you.  Period. You have a choice on how you respond.  You have a choice on what you feel about the situation.  If you cannot or will not change it, then you probably should choose to not let it bother you. Choosing your reaction takes practice.  Keeping cool takes resolve. Some things are worth fighting for.  Most things aren’t.  Set your boundaries appropriately. I have to remind myself of this working in such chaos.

Today I’m sensing a schism between myself and the rest of the world. It’s probably all in my head. In fact, of what isn’t in my head, IS self-inflicted.  One of my most fallacious behaviors I exhibit regularly is that I try to Be There for my friends in need and then when I am in need, I recall all the shit my people are experiencing and then I decide that they don’t need to deal with my minuscule frustration; therefore I keep it to myself. I’m aware of how dysfunctional this is.  As maladaptive as it might be, it has its place in my experience.  Perhaps a lack of lifeline for my petty incongruencies means that I limit my dramatic expression. Perhaps. Either that, or it bottles up my needy emotions, only to squeeze them out when my tolerance is completely full and can take no more. *hmph*Damn hormones. At least I’m not as crazy as I was when I was on the pill. 

Sometimes the state of mind of the people amazes me.
I am astonished how out of control the people are.
I cannot believe they have allowed themselves to slip into this plane where they no longer question violence, crime, and self-loathing.  It seems as though they’ve lost all concept of reality and themselves– and have become comfortable thriving on the drama that is their existence.  I tend to not read the news anymore because it feels like an inaccurate reflection of the drive and motivation of the people.  Advertisements are aiming for a particular audience, and the commercials are dumbed down so that the stupid public can GET it. I find that increasingly offensive.  The people are soaking it up because it’s easier to let the rot flow into their heads than to use critical thinking techniques to determine what should be allowed and what shouldn’t.  What you put into your head is exactly what you get out of it. In the name of money, fame, power, and religion, people are fighting wars and committing crimes that they cannot even explain.  They just continue to do what it is they’ve always done, comfortable with what they know, complacent and unwilling to question what they’ve been taught. The people have become lemmings to a cause that they don’t understand, and they continue to just DO instead of knowing and acknowledging their responsibility and their role in the State of Things and The Way Things Are. It’s a sad, sad place for the people.  They are simply okay with what they do, feeling no guilt and no ownership because they’ve become numb to the things they do, numb to the repercussions of their atrocious behaviors.  They’ve become quick to blame anyone besides themselves: it’s the media, it’s society, it’s the President, it’s God’s Will.   The people do not question– absolutely do not allow the thought that they could possibly be in control of How Things Are cross their feeble little minds.  That thought would devastate and overwhelm the people.  Imagine masses of people Realizing their Power.  It would be completely out of hand.