Today I’m sensing a schism between myself and the rest of the world. It’s probably all in my head. In fact, of what isn’t in my head, IS self-inflicted.  One of my most fallacious behaviors I exhibit regularly is that I try to Be There for my friends in need and then when I am in need, I recall all the shit my people are experiencing and then I decide that they don’t need to deal with my minuscule frustration; therefore I keep it to myself. I’m aware of how dysfunctional this is.  As maladaptive as it might be, it has its place in my experience.  Perhaps a lack of lifeline for my petty incongruencies means that I limit my dramatic expression. Perhaps. Either that, or it bottles up my needy emotions, only to squeeze them out when my tolerance is completely full and can take no more. *hmph*Damn hormones. At least I’m not as crazy as I was when I was on the pill. 

Sometimes the state of mind of the people amazes me.
I am astonished how out of control the people are.
I cannot believe they have allowed themselves to slip into this plane where they no longer question violence, crime, and self-loathing.  It seems as though they’ve lost all concept of reality and themselves– and have become comfortable thriving on the drama that is their existence.  I tend to not read the news anymore because it feels like an inaccurate reflection of the drive and motivation of the people.  Advertisements are aiming for a particular audience, and the commercials are dumbed down so that the stupid public can GET it. I find that increasingly offensive.  The people are soaking it up because it’s easier to let the rot flow into their heads than to use critical thinking techniques to determine what should be allowed and what shouldn’t.  What you put into your head is exactly what you get out of it. In the name of money, fame, power, and religion, people are fighting wars and committing crimes that they cannot even explain.  They just continue to do what it is they’ve always done, comfortable with what they know, complacent and unwilling to question what they’ve been taught. The people have become lemmings to a cause that they don’t understand, and they continue to just DO instead of knowing and acknowledging their responsibility and their role in the State of Things and The Way Things Are. It’s a sad, sad place for the people.  They are simply okay with what they do, feeling no guilt and no ownership because they’ve become numb to the things they do, numb to the repercussions of their atrocious behaviors.  They’ve become quick to blame anyone besides themselves: it’s the media, it’s society, it’s the President, it’s God’s Will.   The people do not question– absolutely do not allow the thought that they could possibly be in control of How Things Are cross their feeble little minds.  That thought would devastate and overwhelm the people.  Imagine masses of people Realizing their Power.  It would be completely out of hand.

I feel a sense of urgency today. I feel this tugging in my gut that reminds me that life is short and that today is the only chance to experience the Here and Now. I feel like running out the door of this office, screaming, “Be free, experience, live, THRIVE!!!”Maybe it’s that I can see out the window at the gorgeous blue skies, maybe it’s the idea that I have to be here longer than I would ever have wished for, maybe it’s that I was told I shouldn’t leave early on Friday to begin my weekend! It’s this tugging at my gut that is drawing me to play, to have fun, to exist…Boredom is equivalent to stagnation.  Boredom is the root of many evils… idle hands, they say… I refuse to be bored, I encourage those who are bored to go find out what it is that they’re passionate about, and find a way to create an existence that incorporates the perfect balance between joy and comfort. I’m crawling out of my skin in anticipation of what’s next.  I’m on the tips of my toes, the edge of my seat, not wanting to blink, not wanting to fall asleep… I’m eager to see what amazing things will come next. I feel a sense of urgency today.  A tugging in my gut that tells me that life is short.  Too short.  And life can be beautiful, extraordinary, phenomenal.  Life is far too short to be unhappy… it’s far too short to choose anything other than the things that feel good. If I were to die tomorrow, I’d die knowing that I was the happiest I’d ever been in my life. Go play!!!

Whoa.  I just had a freak streak of anxiety come over me. I know I’m going through some stressors– and overall I’m handling them just fine… I’m totally happy–ecstatic, even– with the changes that are happening…Yet, even knowing that peace I have for these things, I still experience that fear of everything falling apart– the fear of losing the things I’ve worked so hard to accomplish. I suppose I’m doubting my ability to create, in spite of my acknowledgement that I am fully responsible… maybe it’s the fear of that responsibility that scares the fuck out of me!I know cognitively that I am okay and that everything works out just as I plan it… I know these things to be true, and I feel them deep within my heart.  Still… I fear losing control of it all. The moral I must remember:  never do anything out of fear.

When you begin to feel overwhelmed, take your stress as an indication that you need to laugh about something.  Here’s your drill:  you begin to feel pressure, you begin to sweat, you begin to breath a little more shallowly.  Associate these feelings with the need to laugh.  And then STOP.  Stop for a minute and find something that you think is funny.  Take a five minute break to just remind yourself to laugh and smile. Five minutes is all you need to change your perspective.  Remind yourself of the absurdity of the situation. Remind yourself that you will better handle the stress with a smile on your face.  And even if you don’t feel like smiling, fake it… Fake it until you make it. Remember that everything that you think and feel is a current reflection of the state that you are creating for yourself right this minute.  Obviously you want to create positive, happy, loving situations.  So derail your stressful and negative thought processes.  The more you practice throwing these thought processes off their tracks, the easier it will be for you to identify with the emotions you have power over.  Eventually, you will catch your negative thoughts before they even cross your mind– or as soon as they pop into consciousness, you will know just what to do with them!It gets easier the more you practice it, I promise.

*letting out a deep breath*

I think I’ve had a little too much caffeine today. Spent a majority of the day at Denny’s, studying the nervous system. It’s a beautiful thing, really. I’ve learned more this semester than I probably have in my entire life. What an amazing opportunity for growth. I’ve learned a great deal about myself, about my reactions, about my weaknesses and strengths. And tonight, while I was thinking, I believe I overcame an internal struggle I didn’t really even realize I was up against. I’m not sure I can explain it to you, but here it goes. (more…)

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