Into The Rabbit Hole

Wow.  So I just spent a few hours researching the possibility of getting my MD/PhD through the MSTP (Medical Scientist Training Program) at CU.

This means I would be earning both my Medical Degree and my PhD at the same time, in one fell swoop.  It’s something to consider!

I was speaking with two of the doctors within my department over brownies today.  I had told both of them (two very opinionated, vociferous fellows) that I was tossing around the idea.  The biggest pleaser: tuition is paid through grant monies AND I get a stipend.  It’s a modest stipend, about $10K less that what I earn now.  But… I wouldn’t be working.   I wouldn’t be working through my MD anyway… The whole point of these MSTP’s are to attracted physician scientists, because apparently this is a program that has been lacking qualified applicants.  So, the not accruing $300K worth of debt I would otherwise accrue should I go the MD program alone seems somewhat tantalizing.

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And just like that… I’m done!!

*dancing on the table tops*

I honestly don’t know how I did in all of my classes. I’m sure I’ll find out, sooner rather than later. The good news is that I turned in a considerably better paper for my organic chemistry lab than I was going to. Thank you, thank you, thank you! I’d like to point out that no other laboratory classes had to write papers. But… maybe this experience is good for me now since I may be doing more of it *gasp* in my future.

My Organic Chemistry lab final was hellacious. Horrible. But I’m done with it. Now I know exactly what to expect and can be more prepared for my next semester. My final in O Chem lecture wasn’t horrible. I don’t know how I did, but there’s a probability of a C or a B in that class. Let’s keep our fingers crossed for B’s but not freak out if they’re both C’s. I doubt I was in any threat of not passing the classes, so therefore I’m going to say both O Chem classes are C’s or better. Heh. C’s. Grrrrr…. My Behavioral Neuroscience class is almost positively an A. The final wasn’t horrible, and my only weaknesses were things covered in a class I missed… one of the only classes I missed. All the rest was just recall. I loved that class. I think I’ll read that textbook again for fun. Human Development was certainly an ace, and that’s good because Psychology classes have always been such for me.

Phew. Decompression time. Today was extremely emotional for me. I had floaty highs and tearful lows. I know it’s just stress… and now it’s over. Now it’s time to just BE.

Good things are happening, though. I got a raise, I got approved for a loan, I am following my heart and dreams (both at the same time).

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Ms. Ashley Brones, author and psychiatrist, of Denver, Colorado passed away in Venice,
Italy on June 4th, 2067. She was 87. Ashley (Ash) lived a full life, earning her medical
degree in 2019, and continuing on to pave an extensive path in psychiatric and
psychosocial research. She is best known for writing best seller “The Things We Do”
and “Why People Don’t Quack Like Ducks,” but her research has also made a lasting and dramatic impact on the science of understanding chemical behaviors in humans. She was a renowned psychiatrist, and touched every life she came in contact with. Ash will be remembered for her unending and tenacious persistence in accomplishing every goal she set forth to do. She is survived by an unending extended family– a network of people who loved her very much. We love you!

I had to write my own obituary for my human development class. I thought I would share it with you all!!!

Life is short… Have fun with it!

Hi!

I have some good news!

I am now a member of the Golden Key National Honor Society.  This happened last week!  I can add this to my list of other honors (pardon me while I toot my horn…) I have been on the Vice President’s Honor Roll twice… and I’m also a member of the Psychology honor society Psy Chi.  (yay!) So, now I have one more thing to add to my record.  Yay!!!  It’s all about adding these things up to increase my value to an admission committee so I can get into medical school.  Read the rest of this entry »

Have you ever heard someone say, “So, this is it.”

Only if you choose it to be “it.”

This is only the beginning.  This may be “it” but only as long as you allow “it” to be. 

Have you ever dreamt something SO big that you didn’t know HOW you would ever have it?  Have you ever thought something was so unreachable that you didn’t even think of trying? 

That’s the beauty of our time here.  We can dream big… bigger than we can imagine… and until you’ve been given the opportunity to act upon those dreams, they will only ever be dreams.  But if for one moment you believe you can have them, and you can act upon them, then they are YOURS.  What you wish for you will have!

I’m living my dreams.  I have everything I have ever wanted.  I have the next big things to dream about.  And they’re coming!  Can you feel it?  Read the rest of this entry »

*grinning* 

It’s the day before finals week. 
I have a Trigonometry test on Monday, a Chemistry exam on Wednesday, a Chemistry Lab exam and a   Psychology of Communications exam on Thursday.   After that, I’m done with this semester.   I need an 83% on my Trig test to get an A in Trig. 
I need an 82% on the Chemistry exam.  Read the rest of this entry »

This life is fucking nuts. Really.

I’m learning a ton as I move along, but frankly, sometimes it’s difficult to keep up with every moment and every lesson.

I knew a few months ago that I had moved from the comfortable role as teacher into the precarious role of student, and I embraced it. I was ready for my lesson, I said.

Little did I know how thoroughly chaotic this phase could be for me. It seems like every day holds a significant experience and every moment is chocked full of good, old fashioned lessons. And the most important lessons are the ones that are least comfortable.

So.

I learned in the last several months that I create everything. I am a powerful creator. Johnny told me today that it’s important to remember the end results and to not get too wrapped around the hows; the hows are the universe’s domain.

For instance, if I focus on love, I need to not focus on who I love or who loves me, rather, I need to focus on the feeling, the experience of love. If I focus on getting my dream job, I should focus on what it looks like, not where it is. If I focus on unexpected income, I focus on the feeling of finding the money, not where I get it.

This, I think, is the true source of happiness. It reminds us not to get too caught up in the hows, and focus on the feelings that we will feel in an ideal state. In my ideal state, I am successful, hard-working, in a rewarding job in the field I’m passionate about, have a peaceful and cooperative home life, am surrounded by affectionate, warm, and loving people, am able to dedicate the time and energy and thought into my education, and am able to share a private intimacy with someone whom I love and respect as much as I love and respect myself. It’s the feeling one embraces when they know they already have the ideal experience that is true happiness.

As we move along in our lives, we discover sometimes that what we believe is our ideal isn’t really what makes us happy, and therefore our ideals change and thus our focus changes… but that doesn’t change the feeling of happiness.

I’m amazed to discover how many therapists understand the Law of Attraction– that like attracts like.

It seems like the people who seek happiness the most are the ones who have truly embraced it. It’s simple: feel happy, and you will BE happy.I’m on a quest for like-minded people. I want to surround myself with people who make it a point to be happy. I want to be around people who work hard to accomplish their dreams. I want to be around people who dream big.

Dream big.

I am an emotional sponge.  What you put out there is what I soak up. I can’t tell you if this is a new thing for me, or if I’ve just figured it out about myself. I have emotions that I own, too.  It must be something new or else I would have never survived my bipolar friends’ episodes. Must be. I wonder if I should be worried about taking my chemistry test tomorrow.  I’m not.  I’m not stressed at all about it.  The material is all stuff I genuinely learned well this semester.  A lot of it is memorization.  If I get fucked on not knowing the memorization… well, that’s just sad because real life and real chemistry does not require you to have the names of the gas laws memorized, nor does it require you to remember every formula.  Fuck, those things are things you can easily look up in your notes, your textbook, or your chart.  I get the concepts.  I understand everything, and can explain most of it to you. I guess maybe I think I should be more concerned.  I think that if I was more worried, I would be completely freaked and stressed out. I’m too emotionally exhausted to be freaked and stressed.  I’m too happy to be freaked and stressed.  I have no more negative energy to give to the freak out process.  I am confident, and realize that I am completely capable of doing well without the worry.  I feel like I’m living in a dream.  I feel like I’m lucidly dreaming. I am super excited for tomorrow.  Not only am I taking my final, which means classes are finished for the semester, but I am going to an Avs game.  With the most phenomenal people in the universe.  Really.  Like extraordinary.  And you wanna know who is going to be there?  My older brother.  Yo.  My brother who I haven’t seen since he got back from Iraq.  My big brother is home, and he’s alive and safe and seemingly pretty fucking happy.  I can’t believe it.  I’m so excited!!!  He’s alive!  I guess it just hasn’t hit me since I haven’t seen him yet.  I talk to him now pretty frequently, but haven’t seen him, haven’t touched him, hugged him, punched him in the arm… Going to Avs game with my brother.  And the rest of the people I love. (most of them!)Surreal.  Yes.  Lucid dreaming.  Not even worried.  Not stressed, just calm and confident. What is this life?  What is this rabbit hole I’ve crawled into?  Is there really such a thing as pure, real happiness?  A kind of happiness that doesn’t allow you more than one bad day at a time, and even those bad days are like pseudo/semi bad days, ones where there’s nothing really even wrong, you just feel blue, and coincidentally, they coincide with your menstrual cycle?  Or your lady friends’ mentrual cycle(s)? What is this craziness?  This dream?  What if it really is a dream?  If it is, don’t you agree that I should make it a big one?  I want the perfect life.  I want the perfect home life. The perfect body. The perfect health. The perfect friends.  The perfect lover.  The perfect job.  The perfect education.  The perfect long-term career goal… Yes, dreaming.  Not worried… because I already have everything I’m dreaming big about.  How fucking cool is THAT?

My mom just sent out an email, thanking everyone for their support and encouragement while she earned her degree.  She ended up getting a double major in marketing and business management.  She just finished her degree this week.  (I’m so proud of you, Mom!)

I’m *really* proud of her– she went back to college after more than two decades of being away from school.

I remember her dad telling me that not going to college right out of high school would make it impossible for me to go back to school again.  He made it sound like I was making the worst decision of my life to not go to college right away.

At this time in my life, I know he was completely wrong about that.  I knew that I wasn’t ready for college– neither financially nor in maturity.  I needed to experience life for what it is; I needed to know what it felt like to be laid off and to do whatever it was that I settled into without a formal education.  I needed the life experience to realize that what I want to do with my life is something more– something that I couldn’t just walk in off the street and manage to score. 

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The brain receives twenty percent of the body’s blood.  When the skull is removed, the brain pulsates like a heart. *beat* *beat* *beat*They kept telling me that if I began to feel faint, I should sit straight down on the floor.  I’m certain that it’s distracting for a brain surgeon to have his admin pass out while he’s performing surgery.  Thankfully, I didn’t pass out.   In fact, the only times I felt woozy was when they started talking about me feeling woozy.  As soon as they began to focus on their masterful dance of neurosurgery, I was completely clear headed; fascinated. Sawing open the skull was probably the least comfortable part for me.  They use a small circular bone saw, and it sounds like any other saw, and when they’re making the incisions into the skull, bone dust fills the air.  Read the rest of this entry »