Into The Rabbit Hole

I had a semi-revelation here regarding my Behavioral Neuroscience paper that was due two weeks ago.

Honestly, I’ve been resisting this.  I don’t think the topic is that interesting, and I don’t agree that the researchers who are exploring the topic have necessarily justified their reasoning behind why they’re so interested in figuring out neuronal pathways that a brain uses to identify an object or mentally rotate it.

They’ve come up with results that generally don’t support their theories, which I suppose is truthfully how you go about researching something so great a feat as figuring out How the Brain Works and what not.  Have a theory (an educated guess) and construe a study that will either support or dispute your theory.  Much of what I’ve read thus far has been a whole lot of disputing although the researchers still tend to throw a happy twist on to it by saying, “Yes but we think that blah blah blah doesn’t quite eliminate our theory…”

Whatever.   It really doesn’t matter to me personally, and I’ve had a really challenging time embracing this whole thing.

Then I read this article, which I just finished a summary on, and it sort of changed my perspective on it all.  It gave reasons behind why it’s interesting to learn how we process object identification and mental rotation.

First of all what IS mental rotation, really?  Well, it can be the technical this is your object in this orientation (point A), and then this is your object in a different orientation, rotated around an axis (point B).  And how do we come from point A to point B?  Well, I’ll give you a little hint: imagination.

Yes, we imagine this rotation around the axis.  We are using our imagination when we see one object and mentally rotate it.  Undeniably, there is a strong connection between imagination and… well, a whole lot of interesting things.  Consciousness, for one.  We have to be conscious to have an imagination… or do we?  I suppose this depends on your definition of consciousness– is consciousness being awake?  Because if dreaming isn’t a use of the imagination, I’m not sure what IS.  Is consciousness the act of being aware of yourself?  For example, I’m here typing out my thoughts because I can think them, then I can identify that I’ve thought them, and then I can type them out here on this warm laptop, putting my thoughts (imagination) out for the world to see.  I am aware that I am a thinking being and therefore find value in my ability to share my thoughts with you, other thinking beings.

Physiologically, what IS imagination?  And what IS consciousness?

If we can start with the tiniest building blocks– visual perception, mental rotation, object recognition, and find connections through measurements such as response times and functional Magnetic Resonance Imaging (fMRI), then we may be able to build up a bigger picture of understanding just how the brain works.

Of course, I still think this is a much greater task than can be found by simply asking subjects to mentally rotate an object and then watching the electrical activity in their brains.  I don’t think that our brains are all the same, and I think, instead, that our awareness is all greatly unique based upon what we’re taught from day one of existence as a human.  (When that exact point is, I’ll not go into, that’s another post entirely.)  I think we associate things with each other and THAT is how our network of consciousness evolves.  I think that we begin with a completely egocentric perspective– one where we feel physical pains (hunger, gas, defecating, cold, warm, etc), and we learn to interact with our environment by crying, grunting, suckling, and smiling.  As we get older we learn to integrate visual, audio, and tactile stimuli into meaningful patterns– where we discover the things our parents are demonstrating for us as examples of what it’s like to be human.  We learn that humans walk on two feet and use our hands to eat, and express our needs and desires through language.  We learn to be afraid of what our parents teach us to be afraid of, and we learn to be confident in the ways they encourage us to be confident in.  After time, we move forward to learning from people other than our parents.  We learn from other children, from other family members, and become socially educated in how to elicit what we want from our environment.  All of these things we tie into our memory (our cortex) as associations.  I associate smells with food.  I associate food with mouth watering.  I associate the sound of keys jangling with being told to put on my shoes and jacket.  I associate getting a positive reaction from adults when I say the words “Please” and “Thank you” and “May I.”

I don’t believe that we all store all visual stimuli in a storage place in our brains that allows us to identify them.  I think we use all forms of stimuli (visual, audio, gustatory, taste, tactile) and save that data all together relative to the other things with which we associate them.  For instance, some of us have strong associations with smells, such as the smell of cherry pie.  I associate the smell of cherry pie with being with my family on holidays, and I associate it with the memory of my great grandmother.  Perhaps the visual cue of cherry pie, my grandmother’s house, and the image of my great grandmother are not all stored along-side of my other visual cues– like apple pie, my aunt’s house, and other family members as much as they are with the experience, or memory of the experience.

I’m not entirely certain that we are going to be able to do an experiment that eliminates all variables to test my theory– an I suppose I would be okay if the results dispute my theory.  After all, those of us researching this stuff have to pin point somewhere to begin.

Serendipity: making a fortunate discovery by accident; good fortune…

Sagacity: an ability to come to good judgment by observing and evaluating…

I just learned two new wonderful words.  I thought you might like it if I shared them with you!!!

*swoons*

Okay, so I’m going to tell you all a little bit about this Behavioral Neuroscience (BNS) paper I am in the process of writing!

Hold on to your hats, folks, this’ll be fun. I mostly promise.

The purpose of behavioral neuroscience in general is essentially to understand how our behaviors and actions translate into physiological activity inside or brain. This can also be the other way around: physiological activity within our brain can translate into actuality via behaviors and actions. (And, I think, thoughts and emotions.)

Basically, what these scientists in this field are doing is to identify how our brains work. This is a daunting task considering it is extremely challenging to separate “awareness” from “aliveness” and conscious thought from unconscious thought. No one really _knows_ what a thought IS.

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Today the mechanism for getting through each moment is to make lists.  And then cross everything off as I complete it.   Amazingly, I have gotten a ton done already.  Of course, I just looked down and realized that it’s nearly noon.  I have to write these papers.  Their time will come.  Must get a few chores done first…

Fuck, when did that happen?  When did having a clean home come before school.  *festers*

Frankly, I’m pleased I made it through the semester.

I’m not completely over yet, but I’m close.  Finish two papers, and I’ll be golden.

I have to figure out how to pay for school next Fall.  Apparently one CAN run out of financial aid.  It’s right at the $43,000 mark.  Hmph.  Apparently that’s how much financial aid debt I have.  Well, that was easy to spend.  Now I’m going to have to find scholarships.   I cannot take any time (other than the summer) off from school, because if I fall below six credit hours, I will be required to pay back that 43K in monthly payments to the tune of $500.  So, pay for two classes and the books for those classes: $2000 for the entire semester or pay monthly $500 until I’m able to afford school again… fabulous!

And it’s been four weeks without my guy.  Five more, and that’ll be done; he’ll be home and life will be on its path.

I’m home by myself at this point.  Well, sort of by myself.  I have the kids with me.  I am thankful.  My head feels a bit quieter.

This weekend will be good.  Hopefully I’ll get the bulk of my two papers completed.  I won’t have the kids after tomorrow– and will get them back on Tuesday.  That’s a good amount of time to get focused.

Monday is my Pappa Luke’s funeral.  That will be good for closure.   I believe I’ve come to terms with his death.  I believe it was a good thing.  Perhaps it’s all death that I need to come to terms with.  Amazingly, I have had considerably less panic lately.  And no more shaking before bed.  Or if I’m experiencing it, I’m more comfortable with the idea that I’m neither dying nor crazy.

It’s nine o’clock.  The kids’ lunches are made.  Tyler’s homework is complete and in his backpack.  The coffee pot is ready for me to flip the red switch.  Their oatmeal is in a bowl, waiting for boiling water.  The kids’ clothes are washed, and ready to go back to their mom’s.  The dogs are fed, the kids are in bed, and I am done with my classes for this semester.  *exhale*

I will be dropping the kids off at school early tomorrow.  Just figured out I don’t have the key card to get them in the school.  Hope I don’t have to stand outside long…

One foot in front of the other, one hour at a time, one day at a time.

Click here to read “You think you’re SOOOOO smart”

Oh, found another goodie.

See?  This was the sort of passion I had a year ago.  I want THIS sort of attitude back!!

Ask and you shall have…

I never thought I would hear the word, “Niiiiice” come out of my mouth in response to a 78%.

However, I did not study for my most recent organic chemistry exam.

Both are things that are completely uncharacteristic of me… but at the same time, considering my situation, I figure a C in the lecture is a win/win situation.

Worst case scenario, I can take the class over. I’m made a B in last year’s lab, and I will have made an A in this year’s lab. Laboratory stuff is fun, hands on, and totally enthralling. Plus I can raise my grade through writing awesome research papers. I love labs. (Never thought those words would come out of my mouth, either!)
So the game plan is this:

Study hard for the ACS (that’s American Chemical Society) final exam, which will be held on May 15th. Also, I need to write two questions for my lab final on May 13th. After I’ve taken those exams, I can focus on writing my two research papers, for which I’ve been gracefully given an extended deadline. I *will* make it through this semester, however flailingly. In spite of a reckless appearance (much like Bad Yoga Bob), I’m holding it all together surprisingly well. And this will NOT be the end of the world, as much as I questioned that two weeks ago.

I’ve run my scenario past a professional, and she commended me as well. It’s no wonder I’ve been having anxiety– I’m experiencing some significant stress… but she gave me some helpful tools to combat it. And one can never have too many tools in the handbag of mental wellness.

All in all, I feel good. I feel like I can do this, and do it well. I feel like I will have no issues with organic chemistry and the MCAT because I can certainly get some help between now and then… and I have at least one friend (and several Kaplan classes) that give me an advantage in revisiting the material.

I am a tiny bit concerned about my FAFSA stuff– but I’m sure I’ll figure that out, too. Basically, I think I maxed out my financial aid allowance, and am $43 K in debt, and still have several years before I’ll earn my bachelors & pre-requisites.

Alas, I’m going to figure that chicken out, too. Ultimately, I cannot be stopped, persuaded, re-directed. This is what I’m doing, and I will freaking figure out all the paths I can take to get there, and that’s just how it rolls.

I will get through this rough path, and I will look back and say, “Hey, Universe, that wasn’t so bad, **next time try harder!!!!**” BWAHAHAHAAHA.

Not really. I’d rather the rest of my life come easily.

*nods*

So mote it be. *?*

Last week was pretty grueling!  I took a four day weekend for President’s Day, so that I could get completely prepared for my Organic Chem exam this week.  O Chem is going to be fairly challenging this semester,  so I’m VERY relieved to have only taken the O Chem lecture and lab and to be doing research. Thank GODDESS for having the wherewithal last December when I signed up for classes this semester to have not loaded up on schoolwork again– last semester was sufficiently crazy-making.  I’m pretty sure I learned my lesson.

A four day weekend should have been plenty of time to get ‘er all knocked out and compartmentalized in this here brain, but we had the kids, too… and they were sick all weekend.  Grrr.  This meant that while I *did* take the time to study, it was interrupted at times, and I still had other things to do… like laundry and help blow boogery noses and stuff.   Is it worth it?  Absolutely.  I love having booger noses in my life.  They say cute things and it’s neat to watch them learn and grow.

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I’m sitting here on lunch.  Doing nothing.

Or, rather, I’m supposed to be doing nothing.  I’m “supposed” to be just sitting here, enjoying the fact that I’m doing nothing, at least for another week, until school begins again.

I’m not ready for it.  I didn’t have a long enough break.  It easily took me two weeks to get over my fatigue, and I’m finally getting over a cold that has been hanging out with me for the past three weeks.  I didn’t get enough done this break.

Actually, I got a lot done.  And I feel great.

But still, here I am, printing off powerpoint slides for my o chem lecture, thinking about how I’ll do better this time around.  I’m thinking of the ways I’ll take notes– I’ll use my laptop to take notes in class. I’ll write notes on the backs of the powerpoint.  I’ll spend more time with my notes.  I’ll…

I haven’t heard back yet from my research instructor.  We emailed twice over the semester.  I want to make sure I’m exactly where I need to be in order to do what I want to do with the research stuff.

I’d like it if the time I spend doing research could go towards my degree. Maybe I could get out of doing other research classes.

*sigh*

It hasn’t even begun yet and I’m already thinking about it.

No stress allowed, though.  I already know I’m taking a more reasonable load and I already know I’m going to be a total rockstar.  This semester, I know what to expect.  There are no other excuses.

We totally loved on our plants tonight. I love lovin on the plants. We re-potted more than twenty of them. Gave them the love we’ve been meaning to give them but never found the time to. Thank Goddess for Christmas break, right???

The house is looking rather jungle-y. I’m a big fan of jungle-y.

You might think I’m weird for this, but I’m going to tell you for the sake of you either thinking, “My she’s weird,” or, “Hey, that’s rather cool.”

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