Into The Rabbit Hole

I’m sitting here on lunch.  Doing nothing.

Or, rather, I’m supposed to be doing nothing.  I’m “supposed” to be just sitting here, enjoying the fact that I’m doing nothing, at least for another week, until school begins again.

I’m not ready for it.  I didn’t have a long enough break.  It easily took me two weeks to get over my fatigue, and I’m finally getting over a cold that has been hanging out with me for the past three weeks.  I didn’t get enough done this break.

Actually, I got a lot done.  And I feel great.

But still, here I am, printing off powerpoint slides for my o chem lecture, thinking about how I’ll do better this time around.  I’m thinking of the ways I’ll take notes– I’ll use my laptop to take notes in class. I’ll write notes on the backs of the powerpoint.  I’ll spend more time with my notes.  I’ll…

I haven’t heard back yet from my research instructor.  We emailed twice over the semester.  I want to make sure I’m exactly where I need to be in order to do what I want to do with the research stuff.

I’d like it if the time I spend doing research could go towards my degree. Maybe I could get out of doing other research classes.

*sigh*

It hasn’t even begun yet and I’m already thinking about it.

No stress allowed, though.  I already know I’m taking a more reasonable load and I already know I’m going to be a total rockstar.  This semester, I know what to expect.  There are no other excuses.

We totally loved on our plants tonight. I love lovin on the plants. We re-potted more than twenty of them. Gave them the love we’ve been meaning to give them but never found the time to. Thank Goddess for Christmas break, right???

The house is looking rather jungle-y. I’m a big fan of jungle-y.

You might think I’m weird for this, but I’m going to tell you for the sake of you either thinking, “My she’s weird,” or, “Hey, that’s rather cool.”

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Wow.  So I just spent a few hours researching the possibility of getting my MD/PhD through the MSTP (Medical Scientist Training Program) at CU.

This means I would be earning both my Medical Degree and my PhD at the same time, in one fell swoop.  It’s something to consider!

I was speaking with two of the doctors within my department over brownies today.  I had told both of them (two very opinionated, vociferous fellows) that I was tossing around the idea.  The biggest pleaser: tuition is paid through grant monies AND I get a stipend.  It’s a modest stipend, about $10K less that what I earn now.  But… I wouldn’t be working.   I wouldn’t be working through my MD anyway… The whole point of these MSTP’s are to attracted physician scientists, because apparently this is a program that has been lacking qualified applicants.  So, the not accruing $300K worth of debt I would otherwise accrue should I go the MD program alone seems somewhat tantalizing.

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There are a great many things that I may never learn.

The more I aim my focus at learning, the more I realize that I really know closer to nothing than anything at all.

I was trying to find a place today, within my experience, for ignorant folks. I could not help but wonder why it was that these creatures of bliss were comfortable just being stupid. To my semantics, ignorance is technically someone who has never had any sort of wisdom presented to them, or never had the opportunity to learn more than what they know, and stupidity is one who, even if wisdom was presented, for one reason or another, would not or could not gain from it. So, please allow me to rephrase. I am unsure of how it is that, in our American society, one could choose to be comfortable, for whatever reason, in never thinking about their understanding of the world as any seeker might be.

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My grades are in!

Two A’s, a B, and a C.  I am pretty satisfied with the grades, even if they’re not perfect.  I went through massive amounts of change and realized early on that I had bitten off far more than I could chew early on in the semester.  Two A’s are never bad, a B is better than a C, which was a possibility, and the C was what I earned.  I passed the class, and a C is average and yada yada yada (fill in the whatever excuse I can use to make me feel better about it HERE).   The thing is that I’m done with that semester and am never looking back.  Next semester I will do considerably better.  Next semester better hold itself off for a bit, though, because I’m still recovering from the last one!!!

Today was a wonderful day.  I was paid today.

Today is Friday, the first day of the four day weekend before Christmas.

This will be the first Christmas with my new family– and my new family is being incorporated with my old family.

I’m finding the words to explain it hard to come by.  I have a new family– a family I’ve been a part of for years, and now I’m officially a member of it.  It feels like I’ve been waiting my whole lifetime to meet them again.  Perhaps I had this family in a past lifetime.  The more I am aware of it, the more I am open to the idea, the more I see it and am reminded of the far past by it.  Back then, I believe that roles were different, but it’s a familiar feeling, and I’m embracing it with arms wide open.

And just like that… I’m done!!

*dancing on the table tops*

I honestly don’t know how I did in all of my classes. I’m sure I’ll find out, sooner rather than later. The good news is that I turned in a considerably better paper for my organic chemistry lab than I was going to. Thank you, thank you, thank you! I’d like to point out that no other laboratory classes had to write papers. But… maybe this experience is good for me now since I may be doing more of it *gasp* in my future.

My Organic Chemistry lab final was hellacious. Horrible. But I’m done with it. Now I know exactly what to expect and can be more prepared for my next semester. My final in O Chem lecture wasn’t horrible. I don’t know how I did, but there’s a probability of a C or a B in that class. Let’s keep our fingers crossed for B’s but not freak out if they’re both C’s. I doubt I was in any threat of not passing the classes, so therefore I’m going to say both O Chem classes are C’s or better. Heh. C’s. Grrrrr…. My Behavioral Neuroscience class is almost positively an A. The final wasn’t horrible, and my only weaknesses were things covered in a class I missed… one of the only classes I missed. All the rest was just recall. I loved that class. I think I’ll read that textbook again for fun. Human Development was certainly an ace, and that’s good because Psychology classes have always been such for me.

Phew. Decompression time. Today was extremely emotional for me. I had floaty highs and tearful lows. I know it’s just stress… and now it’s over. Now it’s time to just BE.

Good things are happening, though. I got a raise, I got approved for a loan, I am following my heart and dreams (both at the same time).

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*grin*

Two more exams, and I’m DONE! Tonight is Behavioral Neuroscience and tomorrow is O Chem Lecture.

Thank freakin goddess.

Sheesh. This semester has been so challenging for me. I took a test last night in O Chem lab that was stupid hard. As in, it was so hard it was stupid. Oh well.

I’ve come to terms with this semester. I have made accommodations for next semester so it will be significantly less hard on me. I’ve got two choices as I see it: I can freak out and stress and be emotional over it. Or I can just roll with the punches. I’ve chosen to roll with the punches.

There are so many things I want to do this semester… one of my biggest priorities is to rest. I’d like to see my friends, too, if I still have any! I know, I know, I have many, but some of them seem to have fallen away, and being out of school will be my greatest indicator who’s around and who isn’t because now it won’t be an issue of not having the time to see each other. Rollin with the punches still.

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I’ve noticed that sometimes I will repeat maladaptive behaviors out of habit. Not because these are the things I wish to do, but because they come so naturally to me. I don’t have to think about them– and that’s probably the root of the problem. I don’t think of them. If I were consciously thinking of them, I would repeat behaviors that were healthy and “good for me.”

So, I’ve got these “bad habits.”

How does one go about eliminating bad habits– replacing them with more productive behaviors? I believe it goes back to the basic core of our behaviors– represented and stored in our brains as memory.

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“I do the very best I know how - the very best I can; and mean to keep doing so until the end. If the end brings me out all right, what is said against me won’t amount to anything.” Abraham Lincoln

The semester is so close to being finished, I can taste it.  This is my last week of classes, and next week are my finals.  My brain is exhausted, my body is exhausted, and my patience has grown as dramatically as Jack’s beanstalk–seemingly over night!

I went through some of my school records to work on figuring out what else I need before I finish my degree… Really, there isn’t a whole lot left.  For the degree itself, I am going to take two online classes next summer:  Intro to Children’s Lit and Cultural Diversity in Health and Illness.  The Lit class will complete my Arts & Letters requirement and the Diversity class will complete both my multicultural requirement and my Social Sciences requirement.  Then, I have 12 more credits for my Psychology major, which equates into four Psychology classes, one of which will need to be in the Experimental Research genre.  Perhaps my research this spring will count towards those credits.  Keep your fingers crossed for me, friends.  I would love to be done with the degree itself by no later than Spring 2009.  Then, for my pre-requisites for medical school, I am taking O Chem II & lab next spring, will take Physics I next fall, Physics II the spring of 09, and then I’ll still need Biology II, maybe I’ll be able to take that Summer of 09.  Hopefully things continue to stay on track!! 

We’ll see.  Nothing is ever set in stone, especially when it comes to working full time and doing school full time. 

Ultimately, the most important thing for me to think of is that All We Have Is Time.    I don’t need to be in a huge hurry, I just need to get things taken care of as they come.  *grin*

Good things just seem to happen to me.

There’s a lot in my head right now, a lot floating around, and I’m trying to interpret it all– trying to figure out what is important to share and what isn’t. I wanted to tell you all about the good fortune I that is coming upon me.

First, there are the gifts. I have received so many gifts recently, it makes me smile to think of it. Today, I got a ride home from an old friend and a co-worker who stopped by the bus stop while I was waiting. “Where you headed?” I told them, and they said, “Get in!” so I did. I rode to my destination with friends. However, I must add that I’ve learned one really important rule: Never trust a man who brakes with his left foot. *chuckle* I’ve been given homemade cookies from a classmate. A beautiful jade plant from one of the facilities guys. A homemade pumpkin muffin from one of our nurses. Good advice from my mentor… so many gifts!!! And you know what else? I realized that people are REALLY nice to me at work. I pass people in the hall, and I get smiles, constantly. People ask me how my day is or how school is going… people who I don’t really even know. They care, and they smile. Gifts… Read the rest of this entry »