*grin*

Two more exams, and I’m DONE! Tonight is Behavioral Neuroscience and tomorrow is O Chem Lecture.

Thank freakin goddess.

Sheesh. This semester has been so challenging for me. I took a test last night in O Chem lab that was stupid hard. As in, it was so hard it was stupid. Oh well.

I’ve come to terms with this semester. I have made accommodations for next semester so it will be significantly less hard on me. I’ve got two choices as I see it: I can freak out and stress and be emotional over it. Or I can just roll with the punches. I’ve chosen to roll with the punches.

There are so many things I want to do this semester… one of my biggest priorities is to rest. I’d like to see my friends, too, if I still have any! I know, I know, I have many, but some of them seem to have fallen away, and being out of school will be my greatest indicator who’s around and who isn’t because now it won’t be an issue of not having the time to see each other. Rollin with the punches still.

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I’ve noticed that sometimes I will repeat maladaptive behaviors out of habit. Not because these are the things I wish to do, but because they come so naturally to me. I don’t have to think about them– and that’s probably the root of the problem. I don’t think of them. If I were consciously thinking of them, I would repeat behaviors that were healthy and “good for me.”

So, I’ve got these “bad habits.”

How does one go about eliminating bad habits– replacing them with more productive behaviors? I believe it goes back to the basic core of our behaviors– represented and stored in our brains as memory.

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“I do the very best I know how - the very best I can; and mean to keep doing so until the end. If the end brings me out all right, what is said against me won’t amount to anything.” Abraham Lincoln

The semester is so close to being finished, I can taste it.  This is my last week of classes, and next week are my finals.  My brain is exhausted, my body is exhausted, and my patience has grown as dramatically as Jack’s beanstalk–seemingly over night!

I went through some of my school records to work on figuring out what else I need before I finish my degree… Really, there isn’t a whole lot left.  For the degree itself, I am going to take two online classes next summer:  Intro to Children’s Lit and Cultural Diversity in Health and Illness.  The Lit class will complete my Arts & Letters requirement and the Diversity class will complete both my multicultural requirement and my Social Sciences requirement.  Then, I have 12 more credits for my Psychology major, which equates into four Psychology classes, one of which will need to be in the Experimental Research genre.  Perhaps my research this spring will count towards those credits.  Keep your fingers crossed for me, friends.  I would love to be done with the degree itself by no later than Spring 2009.  Then, for my pre-requisites for medical school, I am taking O Chem II & lab next spring, will take Physics I next fall, Physics II the spring of 09, and then I’ll still need Biology II, maybe I’ll be able to take that Summer of 09.  Hopefully things continue to stay on track!! 

We’ll see.  Nothing is ever set in stone, especially when it comes to working full time and doing school full time. 

Ultimately, the most important thing for me to think of is that All We Have Is Time.    I don’t need to be in a huge hurry, I just need to get things taken care of as they come.  *grin*

Good things just seem to happen to me.

There’s a lot in my head right now, a lot floating around, and I’m trying to interpret it all– trying to figure out what is important to share and what isn’t. I wanted to tell you all about the good fortune I that is coming upon me.

First, there are the gifts. I have received so many gifts recently, it makes me smile to think of it. Today, I got a ride home from an old friend and a co-worker who stopped by the bus stop while I was waiting. “Where you headed?” I told them, and they said, “Get in!” so I did. I rode to my destination with friends. However, I must add that I’ve learned one really important rule: Never trust a man who brakes with his left foot. *chuckle* I’ve been given homemade cookies from a classmate. A beautiful jade plant from one of the facilities guys. A homemade pumpkin muffin from one of our nurses. Good advice from my mentor… so many gifts!!! And you know what else? I realized that people are REALLY nice to me at work. I pass people in the hall, and I get smiles, constantly. People ask me how my day is or how school is going… people who I don’t really even know. They care, and they smile. Gifts… (more…)

Hi!

I have some good news!

I am now a member of the Golden Key National Honor Society.  This happened last week!  I can add this to my list of other honors (pardon me while I toot my horn…) I have been on the Vice President’s Honor Roll twice… and I’m also a member of the Psychology honor society Psy Chi.  (yay!) So, now I have one more thing to add to my record.  Yay!!!  It’s all about adding these things up to increase my value to an admission committee so I can get into medical school.  (more…)

Just a moment ago, I just went off in this blog box about my education and how it irritates me that sometimes people think that I cannot both Be In a Relationship and Not Be Distracted From my Education.

Then I decided that too many people would take that as something I’m saying directly to them and figured I should probably erase it all for the sake of not causing more trouble for myself than I already do. 

So, here’s what it comes down to:  This is what I’m doing.  I’m working on my degree, working towards a goal.  Just like any other creature does what it does, I am a student, working towards eventually becoming a doctor.  It’s how I’m progressing through my career. This is me following my heart’s desire, and there’s nothing to distract me from it! This IS what I DO!

I dislike the theory that relationships are a distraction.  I mean, I understand the sentiment, but I find it unreasonable to think that one should lock oneself in a tower for several years until they reach all their enormous goals.  That isn’t LIVING!  Instead, I must enjoy the experience.  Every single day, as challenging as they are, are MINE, and I own them.  This is my time.  I’m not just hanging around until I make the right scenarios for myself so I can finally invite someone in whom I can share this with.  Besides, I’d rather ultimately spend time with someone who has stuck with me through all of my challenges and experienced this adventure along with me– rather than meet someone who knows me as I am in the future and not how or where I came from.  Does that make sense? 

This leads me to address some reactions I get when I respond to “What are you doing this weekend?” with “[Fill in the blank with whatever homework I'm working on.]“  For the love of Neil, do NOT respond with “I’m sorry!”  Jebus, how miserable does that sound?  “I’m sorry [that you're so disciplined and following your heart.]” Lame.  Or here’s another good one, “you’re working hard, and I know you miss your friends, but this is the sacrifice you have to make in order reach your goals!”  Eff that!!  The energy I spend to reach my goals absolutely CANNOT be considered to be sacrificial.  If I was sacrificing anything I wouldn’t do it.  I need to love my decisions and love the effort I put into this.  Otherwise, I might as well quit now and find some other passion to fill my time.  

That is all. 

Thanks for letting me sound off there. 

I’m doing this to prove to myself that I can.

A mentor advised me to not compare myself to my competition, because ultimately how well I do has little to do with my competition and everything to do with me setting standards against myself for which I can break.

My greatest competition, truly then, is myself.

Only *I* am as capable as me.  Only *I* am my worst critic.  As long as I am honest with myself, then only *I* am the person I must answer to.

I take it all on because I want to.  There is no other decision-maker but myself.  And because I believe this, I know that I create it.  I pick my attitude about it.  I pick my strategies.  I have always done this alone.

I’m not alone any longer.  I have the support I desire. Yet, I am not a part, I am a complementary whole.

It is this sort of selfishness that is necessary.  This “selfishness” is expected from a person with such knowledge of their control over their experience, such awareness.  “Selflessness” in this perspective is not only a detriment, but a self-failure.  A failure of self.

This is not to judge others in their experience, because as they are is what they are.  Everyone, whether they’re aware of it or not, is responsible for their own path.  Their own challenges… and whether they choose to blame or throw responsibility elsewhere is their own decision, again, their own creation.  I understand now what he meant when an old friend stated that it is our job to love people for exactly where they’re at.  It’s not a judgment, it is an acceptance.  Not an allowance, an embracing joy for I know that I have chosen my own path, perfectly.

To be marked with my decisions holds great responsibility.

To take great risk, is to find even greater reward.

And I welcome it.

*doing a little dance*

Okay, so both of my tests are over, and the grades are in.

My O-Chem was what I expected… I got a 75%.  But… before I go beating myself up over that, I have to consider two things:  First of all, the material is Organic Chemistry, and this is difficult stuff.  I’m using totally different parts of my brain, and a 75% is absolutely a passing grade.  AND we get to drop one exam in this class, so I’m okay, even if I get a grade worse than this, I’m in no fear of failing the class.  Second, the class average was 60%.  This means that I am a good 15% better at these tests than most of the class.  Doesn’t mean he’s going to curve the class (controversial subject, for sure), but it does mean that I’m doing alright with this, and I know that on the next exam, I won’t be going through all the craziness that I went through in the last month and with therefore inevitably do far better.  There is a light at the end of this tunnel, and my freight-train o’ freaking hard work is a coming flying down the tracks.   Woot woot!!!

(I know, I know.  I’m a dork.)

And for the most important… *drum roll*   well, it’s not really the most important, but I’m much happier with the grade, my Behavioral Neuroscience exam: got a 95%.  Highest grade in the class.  *dancin* *groovin*  woooooo hooo!!

Okay.  Thanks for listening.  Carry on.

Some things from tonight:

Organic Chemistry sort of makes my brain hurt.  I have to do a lot of thinking.  I need to spend a lot of time with this stuff so it makes sense to me.  I will need to spend at minimum three hours of on my own with the books/internet resources time for every hour of class time.

On relationships: I am more offended by the person presenting the gossip to me than by the person gossiping about me.   I will end relationships over this.  It is so glaringly obvious when a person is trying to start drama with me that it takes a lot for me to allow myself positive caring emotion about that person again.

Having an un-spayed female dog around is very validating.  Ever need to try to understand PMS?  Be around a dog right before she starts her menstrual cycle.  I can be more like that bitch than would be expected.  I cannot look at my education as a reason for sacrifice, because if I did, I wouldn’t do it.  There is no sacrifice in this experience.  The journey is far more important than the destination.  It’s a good thing I enjoy pushing myself hard.  It has nothing to do with giving up things now– it has everything to do with absorbing as much information as possible with one particular goal in mind.

Perhaps there is something to loving the dark sides of me.  Perhaps if I embrace the polar opposites of everything I strive to be, I can allow what I don’t want to be to exist, but not define me.  There is much to be said about self-acceptance and self-love.  It leads to an inexplicable ability to love others.  Might be on to something with that.

People believe in me.  And it’s exactly as it should be. And it was.

One step down, five hundred million to go!I took the last of my child psychology tests today.  I am pretty certain that I got a B in the class– something I’ve had plenty of time to think about.  I knew I had messed up my chances for an A early on this summer– I missed a test deadline, therefore earning a big fat whopping 0 on that– losing 50 of my possible points, dooming myself at best for a B. I turned in A material after that… except for the last test which landed me with an 87%… I had a pretty solid B as it was, and I’m guessing I’ll get a B as my final grade.  *sigh*  I suppose this is the fact of life.  I learned a lot, and that’s really what matters.

In fact, I learned a TON.  I love psychology, and learning about children is really just the beginning.  I know have a pretty solid understanding of why kids do what they do and their various levels of development.  Yay!  Forgive me if I over analyze the crap out of children now– it’s not like I didn’t already, now I just know more.  I’m looking forward to my Human Development class this fall… should be somewhat of an extension of what I just learned.

Speaking of classes this fall… I start my Fall semester in 20 days.  That’s almost three weeks!  Wow!  I went through all of my chemistry notes/tests from General Chemistry I and II and put them all together in one binder.  I even ordered them by date.  Lucky for me, I’m slightly obsessive about how I do my notes, so not only did the material all look familiar (because I re-wrote those muthas at least once if not five or six times), but they were also well labeled by date, chapter, and topics.  Yes, I’m a freak.  But I generally do very well with my education, so I’m going to keep on doing what’s working.  I’m very eager to get started on Organic Chemistry this semester.  I’ve pulled out the notes from my most magnificent wonderful Chemistry teacher who gave us a heads up/ head start program for O Chem.  I’m getting organized, cleaning up my room and my closet.  I’m preparing for a Rockstar Semester– and I couldn’t be more excited!!!

Things are looking very bright for me.  They already have been very bright, and now it’s just that I’m focused on the path again.  I am so thankful that I’m as motivated as I am!  Woot!

Now… I think I’m going to pick up the book that one of my nurse practitioners lent me.  I do want to continue looking at Atlas Shrugged, which is taking me forever to read because I only read it when I’m not focusing on my studies… but that, too, will come with time.  

All we have is time…

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