Into The Rabbit Hole

Drawing the line in the sand, I stand with one foot on the side of calm, cool, confident and collected; the other foot on the side of Bad Yoga Bob,* nervously flailing, sliding into the pits of failure, insecurity, sadness, and despair.

I’m uncomfortable not fully feeling in control. I’m nervous thinking that a part of me doesn’t know what to do in every situation– or worse, is fearful of the millions of ways that things can go wrong. I’m uncomfortable not being in charge of my emotions, especially when it comes to “negative” emotions.

In my recent past, I’ve very frequently discredited any of my negative emotions. I’ve treated them like they were wicked, red-headed step-children (not that there’s much wrong with wicked, red-headed step-children, they deserve love too, but

I digress). I’ve repressed them, denied they existed, and told myself I was better off without them.

To be quite honest, that’s what I thought was expected of me. I was afraid that I would push people away by expressing negativity. In reality, I was denying myself the very REAL experience of negative emotions. In fact, I think that part of what I was doing for the first part of mastering my powerful creativity was validating my invalidation of the opposite end of the spectrum. It made “sense”– if thoughts become things, then you absolutely shouldn’t think negative thoughts, especially not accompanied by negative emotion!!!

This perception can be a very vicious process– the moment you start to feel badly and CAN’T stop the feelings because you’re repressing them, you easily spiral out of control.

The truth is that negative emotional experience can’t be eliminated. And it shouldn’t be! Negative emotional experience is another tool in our tool box, it’s an invaluable part of being human. Does that mean that we should want to feel negative emotions? Probably not, but at least if we acknowledge their purpose and VALUE, we can work through them and move forward.

Feeling blue, sad, angry, anxious, irritated, aggressive, etc. IS valuable. It’s an important part of being human because it gives us something to compare feeling good against. If we only ever felt good emotions, we would never really appreciate what it was like to feel good. We’d be used to it to the point where it would just be normal and ho-hum. I’m proposing that negative emotion is the contrast that makes feeling good feel that much better.

This change in perspective opens up many doors to emotions and reactions to emotions. Instead of feeling bad about feeling bad, it allows me to feel good about it. To let loose. As AmberLotus so aptly put it (and I’m paraphrasing), “Gotta pour the crazy out.” If we don’t get those negative emotions out of our system, they just stay there. They build up. Eventually, we explode. This is not terribly conducive to long-lasting and healthy relationships– with anyone.

Many of the metaphysical teachers have said that negative emotions are an indication that what you’re in the process of creating isn’t that which you desire. Of course. Right. Can anyone freaking spell that out for me in English??

What *I* think it means, and I could be wrong here, but this works for me, so hang in there with me while I spit this out: Negative emotion doesn’t mean you’re creating something bad. It’s an indication that your focus is off, and that you need to pack that experience away into the recesses of your mind, and use it as a comparison– as a strong tool that teaches you that whatever you were doing when you felt badly WASN’T working, and therefore associate as something you’d rather not repeat again in the future. Negative emotion isn’t something to be feared– but to be revered. It’s a reminder that whatever you’re doing isn’t something that flows with you. Whatever you’re experiencing is something to perhaps be avoided in the future– not because the stimuli by itself was bad but because of how the stimuli made you feel… which was bad. Do you see what I mean when I separate it?

Additionally, any time I am feeling bad and then witness someone feeling worse, somehow my own circumstances don’t seem so terrible, and suddenly everything _for me_ is much better. We learned in junior high that knocking people down isn’t a permanent solution to our own happiness, and we certainly (with good conscience) won’t be wishing worse circumstances than our own on the people around us. It’s not the person with more horrible circumstances than me that makes me feel better– it is that suddenly my own circumstances are ones that I’m able to feel grateful for. And with feeling grateful, comes many more emotions that can be contextually compared with the times we were feeling bad, and the cycle of gratitude perpetuates itself. Suddenly those negative emotions seem a lot more important now, don’t they?

I’ve struggled A LOT with being okay with feeling bad: in my cycle, in my relationships, in my head. I’ve felt wrong for feeling bad and have been afraid to express how I’m feeling. In many ways, this explains why I’ve been so afraid to feel emotions– why I’ve been so emotionally flat for most of my life. Of course, its not always been as un-emotional as a rock, because I’ve had uncontrollable blurps on the radar where I’ve instantaneously and temporarily broken into tears or felt giddy– but it wasn’t until the last few years that I truly experienced normal emotion to its fullest. Slowly, I’m coming into my own and discovering that not only is it okay to feel and express feeling good but I it’s also normal and I am expected to feel and express feeling bad.

Still, this lesson is a hard one to teach yourself. As good as I am at self-therapy, I’m also forcing myself to step outside of my comfort zone– outside of what I’ve known to be true this whole life.

Much of what I’ve learned these last few months has been the purpose and value of feeling bad– and to become comfortable feeling it, without also feeling guilty for expressing it. I can tell you that this series of experiences have been something that I’d rather not ever go through again– especially not something with this magnitude. As much as I’m thankful for the lesson, I’d rather not remember this once I’m done. *Nods at the universe* Got the lesson down. No need to revisit it. I’m good now… *sigh* But if I MUST recall this series of experience, at least I can do so knowing that I’m taking the utmost value from it and turning it into a learning opportunity.

I suppose you can’t ask for much better than that.

*Bad Yoga Bob, or BYB is a well-intended fellow who goes in to his activity with great amounts of gusto and no grace. He is dedicated to yoga– in that he attends regularly, but he just doesn’t GET that yoga is as much a mindful thing as it is a set of physical movements. He just jumps right in, throws his mat down haphazardly, and usually doesn’t consider how his flailing about affects the other people who are near him. Because he lacks the patience to learn how to do the movements correctly, he often falls down on top of himself– or worse– on top of the people around him. He is completely unaware that he is being BYB because he is completely unaware.

**Paradoxical: adjective; seemingly contradictory but nonetheless possibly true.

***ambiguous: adjective; open to two or more interpretations; or of uncertain nature or significance; or intended to mislead.

****paradigm: noun; an example serving as a model; pattern.

Sometimes the only way to reach your goal is to have faith.

This applies to relationships, careers, living situations, and more.   Got to have faith that what you’re throwing out there is a line that will catch your meal– even if no fish are in sight, and line is somewhat fragile.

You have to take risks.  Have faith.  Trust that you know what you’re doing.

I am looking to attract some lovely girls and guys (maybe couples?) who want to come over to our place once in a while (maybe once a week?).  While hanging out, we will enjoy amazing food that we all prepare together, perhaps some wine or beer, and we will talk about politics, philosophy, spirituality, our dreams, our hopes, our fears, and our intentions.

These awesome friends will be open-minded, super intelligent, low-key, friendly, genuine, affectionate, and kind.  They will love our kids and dogs.  They will be interested in similar things such as: gardening, camping, hiking, walking, good music, great conversation, etc.

We will be able to trust each other with anything.  We will be able to trust each other’s judgment.  All evenings will be filled with respect for each other and our dreams.  We will be able to talk about anything without feeling nervous.  We will be able to count on each other to do what we say we’ll do and to be who we say we’ll be.   It will be lovely.

Thoughts become things. This is a universal law. My emotions are an indicator of whether what I’m thinking about (creating) is in alignment with what I want. If what I’m thinking about is NOT within alignment, I feel bad. If what I’m thinking about IS within alignment, I feel good. That’s simple enough.

Lately, I have been feeling fearful and anxious. Obviously, what I’m thinking isn’t in alignment of what I want. I feel worrisome, and in turn am attracting more and more things to feel worrisome about.

It makes good psychological sense to think that we respond emotionally to what we’re thinking about… and it makes good psychological sense that if we are feeling good, we’re more apt to have doors open to us because we are expecting them to.

So why is it that I’m having such a challenging time switching from feeling bad to feeling good again? It’s not like I’ve never done this before.

I once was in a relationship that I hated. I had a job that I hated. School was hard. My roommates sucked. Then I discovered that I could create my experience. It was like magic. Hell, it WAS magic.

I went into a heavenly bliss, catapulted across the universe. I fell in love– with a man and with my friends. I fell in love with myself and my life.

And gradually I’ve slipped out of that place. I am perfectly satisfied with nearly all facets of my experience. I have a job I love, I’m good at school, I loooooove (and am in love with) my roommate. I love my healthy, happy, smart, wonderful “step” kiddos… I love the dogs. And my cat. And our big, beautiful home in an excellent, safe, quiet neighborhood. And…

But I think the key point is that I’m feeling “satisfied” vs. feeling “in love” with my experience. I’m doing things that make me feel good… like adding recycling into my daily plan… and cleaning up the yard, gardening, enjoying sunshine, cooking healthily… All of which should ultimately raise my emotional experience from feeling satisfied to feeling in love…

We’ll see. I’m trying also to increase my conscious awareness to being genuinely grateful for the things I appreciate as my experience.

I want to fall in love with life again… to feel the magic swell within me.

I want to feel like every moment I’ve experienced has been a gift…  I’ve felt this excellent before, and it was while I was practicing the Law of Attraction.

I can’t say I’m not practicing it now, but I’m definitely not putting as much thought or effort into it.  Recently, I became disillusioned.

Only I have the choice to continue being jaded or to rediscover feeling magnificent.

The real question is, do I have it within me to change it?

I was tagged by Rampantheart to write a blog that lists 5 types of people I hate…

For many of you who know me, you won’t be surprised that initially I had no interest in responding, as hate is one of those emotions better left to the unaware angry folk.

My whole theory in life is to focus my energy on things I *want* rather than on the things I don’t want (hate/dislike/am annoyed by).

That said, I am going to take artistic authority and change the rules.  I can do that.  This is my blog and I MAKE the rules.  *wink*

So, here are 5 things I LOOOOVE:

• Spring time rain… this is the greenest time of year, and I love drizzling, damp days.  *giddy*
•  Oatmeal and brown sugar for breakfast!
• My job.  Really, I love where I work and what I do.
• Teachers who have faith in me.
• The smell of old books. Almost as much as I love the smell of bleach!

And here are 5 types of people I love:

• Listeners.  People who are actually paying attention, expressing care and consideration when they respond appropriately.  There are very few people who are excellent listeners, but I have surrounded myself with the best ones: Amber H, Amber L, Elizabeth, Brandy, Landon,  Janna, Jay, Lori, and Heather May.
• The Motivated.  It’s much easier for me to speak of my Big Dreams when I hear them talk about theirs.  It doesn’t matter how huge, how time/energy-consuming it is, if you have big goals, I respect you.  And not just having the goals, but actually moving towards them.  I love that!
• Hippies.  If you’re into love, peace, recycling, getting along, openness, long skirts, not brushing your hair, special brownies and acoustic music with drums, I think you’re pretty rad.
• The Aware.  Whoa.  I just had deja vu.  I wonder what that means.  Perhaps I am tuned in with someone else who was thinking the same thing at the same time.  I love those people who are on the same connection as I am.
• Artists.  My respect never ends for those who are able to Create… whether they are wordsmiths, painters, candle-makers, clay-throwers, experience creators, manifestors, graphic artists, poets, arts n crafters, film-writers, or garden growers, I’m a fan.

5 things I hope to accomplish this summer:

• Getting through the next six weeks with no major meltdowns.
• Building a fence and then Planting my garden.
• Teach Tyler to read & ride a bicycle.
• Write some killer research papers.
• Come up with a research plan.

…since we can choose to experience a life that makes us happy (or a life that makes us sad and fearful), I think I’m going to pick the experiences that make me happy.

It’s a much more difficult choice to make than you think.  I’d bet that nearly every person I know has made decisions for their experience that did not make them happy!!!

I’m quite excited.  I know it’s the spring time, the nearness of summer, the sunshine, the budding trees, the scent of rain… it’s all of this together that makes life more enjoyable to swallow.

I’m not sure I can specifically (or eloquently, for that matter) describe how one goes about choosing the experiences that make you happy– other than that it’s a very CONSCIOUS, conscientious decision.

It’s one that can be considered so unusual that many people don’t even realize the option to choose this is there.

Dun dun DUUUUN.

Amazing conclusions, I can’t believe it took me so damn long to come to this!!!!

Okay, so do you remember how I have said that I feel like my relationships have impermanence? How then, suddenly I lost so many of my friends?

Guilty! I totally recognize that I created this. Here’s how:

What I believe is what I get. If I believe that no relationship is permanent, I end up not fighting for the friendship when troubles arise. To me, as an Impermanent Relationship Maker, it’s pointless in trying to fight the fight for a friendship that, in my mind, will eventually be lost anyway. So I don’t put up a fight, I walk away.

Now, this is not to say that I could have saved every one of my friendships by doing some addressing, but at least then I wouldn’t have felt so abandoned. Really, what I was experiencing was my OWN abandonment of the relationships. Aha!

Amazing.

Lesson learned.

My new way of addressing friendships is this: Permanent, long lasting, lifetime friendships. Not all of my new relationships will necessarily fall into that category, but since I will be seeking with an attitude that attracts those kinds of friendships, I anticipate having that many more of them.

Sometimes it’s hard to see the logic in a situation when you’re emotionally involved.

Last week was pretty grueling!  I took a four day weekend for President’s Day, so that I could get completely prepared for my Organic Chem exam this week.  O Chem is going to be fairly challenging this semester,  so I’m VERY relieved to have only taken the O Chem lecture and lab and to be doing research. Thank GODDESS for having the wherewithal last December when I signed up for classes this semester to have not loaded up on schoolwork again– last semester was sufficiently crazy-making.  I’m pretty sure I learned my lesson.

A four day weekend should have been plenty of time to get ‘er all knocked out and compartmentalized in this here brain, but we had the kids, too… and they were sick all weekend.  Grrr.  This meant that while I *did* take the time to study, it was interrupted at times, and I still had other things to do… like laundry and help blow boogery noses and stuff.   Is it worth it?  Absolutely.  I love having booger noses in my life.  They say cute things and it’s neat to watch them learn and grow.

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As it turns out, the timing is ALWAYS perfect. I was desiring some new friends, and *poof* here I have them. Yesterday, almost out of the blue, our neighbors, whom we’d always been friendly with, invited us over to hang out and celebrate Jon’s birthday. It was a last minute invite, and of course Landon & I had no plans. So we arrived, beer in hand, at our nearby destination at the house across the street from ours.

They have an absolutely lovely home, filled with all the good times a group of people could ask for. And as it turns out, they are much like us in MANY ways. They’re easy going, fun to be around, enjoy billiards, conversation, good attitudes, great food, dogs, kids, and all the things we are looking for in companionship!! Our other cool neighbors showed up, too, and it was a grand ole time!

The beautiful part is that we can enjoy each other’s company, and we don’t have far to travel to return home. I’m very excited about these new friendships.

Now, as I recover from last night, coffee in hand (and on my sweatshirt), I can throw my feet up and lean back and remember what it was like being a powerful creator. It’s always perfect, and I’m very good at this. *squeal*