Into The Rabbit Hole

I dreamt of passion and love.
I dreamt of being someone’s one and only.
I dreamt of love letters and kisses.

I dreamt of long conversations and being his best friend.
I dreamt of being longed for.
I dreamt of happily ever after, even if it’s not about marriage.

Don’t know when… but tomorrow marked 13 days.  So, fewer than 13 days.

*giddy*

So many years I spent trying to know my own worth– trying to find my value in other people. It wasn’t until *I* appreciated just how special I am that I found someone who could love me as much as I deserved. He sees the diamond within me, and won’t let go for anything. That is why I love him. He sees in me the things I’ve hoped to express to so many for so long.

And I for him. I see the diamond within him, and it unearths within me a primal knowing, a spiritual lifetime knowing, and I see the diamond in him.

Perhaps the tidal wave has crested.

Such amazing energy that storm gave me in form of emotional saturation. I’ve not cried that much in lifetimes.

But now, now it is my role to be a cheerleader.  To keep the spirits high, to remind him of the good life.

Roles are a funny thing.

The dogs have made quite a mess.  I had been leaving that all for him to clean up, and it didn’t happen, so now it’s my mess to clean up.  Gotta pick up the yard so that the grass will grow.  I know how to grow grass, even if it’s been given every challenge to grow.  I know how to fix that.

They wonder where he’s gone.  I just hug them.

A beautiful friend left me flowers on my porch.  She is a pure heart.  I am so thankful that my friends have been able to help me in a time of need.  My newest lovely friend brought me my birthday present… I LOVE homemade stuff.  That’s the stuff that’s really special.

I slept in my bed alone last night.  Stayed up late, clicked through the 14 channels I have on TV.  Thinking maybe I should upgrade my cable again.  I don’t want to be lost in the television.  I despise the television.  But it may be what keeps me company on my lonely nights.

I’ve been writing letters to him.  Long letters telling him my every thought, every detail of the day.  I wonder how long those letters will keep me company.  It feels good as long as I don’t start worrying about what he’s experiencing.

I’ll save money on coffee and cigarettes.  Probably on food, too.  That’ll be good.

Trying to keep this all in perspective.  Trying to remember I’m one day into my sentence, and every day marks a success.  I got through it!

I’m so thankful for my friends.  Thank goddess I have an amazing support system.  Otherwise it would be long lonely nights… I noticed on my drive home from work yesterday– Friday night– that I didn’t really want to come home… that I felt like I had nothing to come home to.  I have to take care of the dogs.  They need me.  That’s something worth coming home to.  But they’re dogs.  They can’t talk with me.  They can’t tell me how beautiful I am even through my tears.  But they can love me.  They’ll help me get through this, too.

Many of my moments were spent feeling surreal.  This can’t be happening.  This isn’t really happening.  I dreamt this and before I know it, I’ll wake up, and he’ll be sleeping next to me.  I’ll wake him with kisses and caresses and “Good morning, I love you’s.”

Woke up to a chain saw rumbling in the next yard.  9:00 AM on a Saturday morning is a prime time to run a chain saw.

The dogs were crying.  I just laid there.  No need to be quiet.  Should just get up.

The fear of being alone is quite ripe within me.  I’ve never really had an empty house.  Delinquent (and not so delinquent) roommates have dotted my time here.   I can see why a woman would jump from man to man to man… I can see why *I* have jumped from man to man to man… We are a social creature.  That’s not me now, though.  I am patient and I will wait for his return.   We will be inseparable.

I’ve got to get up and shower.  Going to Grammy’s & Granddad’s to check on the kids’ schedule.  Going to take the kids some clothes.  Going to see if Tyler’s flu symptoms are gone, so I can bring them home today.  I’m hoping I can take them to a play tonight.

Having the kids around will be helpful.  They’ll keep me busy.  That’s what it all comes down to: keeping me busy.   I’ve got plenty to do.  Having these sort of responsibilities by myself will keep me focused… keep me from thinking about him, worrying.

Better go shower now.  I should call Grammy first.  See how Tyler’s doing.  See if I can gauge what to expect.

That’s the worst part of it all.  Not knowing what to expect.

There’s something within us.  It’s inevitably within ALL of us, because it is the very essence of humanity– possibly the essence of all that IS.  It’s a deep burning, yearning, churning essence that makes us want to dance on our tippy toes first thing in the morning and at the same time drives us to sleep in late, curled up with our favorite person, legs intertwined and arms wrapped around, fingers intertwined until we cannot bear to lay still any longer.  It’s a comfortable place where we can sit next to each other without saying a word.  It is the very core energy that moves us from every single point in the emotional spectrum until we find the happy balance spot where we can just BE, with every emotion, not needing to even say a word to explain ourself.  It’s much like white light– the combination of all colors of light, except it’s not something that is measured in wave lengths, rather it’s measured in the number of breaths we take or beats our hearts make.

I love Love.  I love being In Love, and I love the people I love being In Love.

This love… it’s what all religions ultimately call “God” or “Goddess,” and it’s the life that enters every living creature.  It’s the product of our sentient experience of it, and it’s the unconscious drive within us that motivates us to move mountains.  And when we receive it from another, be it another human, another creature– any living thing, it is at that very point in existence that we cannot move forward without remembering it, in one way or another.

It is a connection that goes deeper than this lifetime, lasts longer than the universe, and can never be destroyed.  It wraps us into one soul being, in separate bodies, with separate skins that can easily be melted into one with just a glance or single movement.

It is a kiss of sunshine, a gentle breeze when you sweat, and a warm cup of coffee when it’s blizzarding.  It can be shared with many without running out because it is the fuel inside every cell on this earth, a renewable resource that will never dwindle.

I learned an extremely important life lesson yesterday.

So, here we go…

I heard a story– a tragic story– where a young teen spirals out of control behaviorally until one day, he ends up in a car accident.  He almost died and though he’s alive, and out of the ICU, he has such severe brain damage that he’s mentally and physically disabled.

I thought I’d write about this story.  I changed names and didn’t parallel everything.  I added all of my own narrative, talking in the voice of an adolescent.  It was a nicely written piece of fiction.  But it ended with him in the hospital; and it was sad, raw.

I happened to discover a blog that this young man’s family is keeping.  And I was incredibly impressed by it.  They have faith, and are all about doing what is right. They never leave his side and are doing both naturopathic and medical treatment.  They are actively praying for a miracle, and they’re holding post with nothing short of a belief in complete recovery.

It was their faith that moved me.

I knew I had to delete my piece of fiction– not because it was necessarily offensive or hurtful… but because I wanted to have faith, too.

I want to believe in a miracle.

Once I made this decision, I was nowhere near a computer.  I couldn’t wait to take the piece down.  I was sort of sad because I had really put energy into this piece.  I had really thought it out, and I think it was a pretty good piece of work– considering that I’ve never really written fiction before.  I couldn’t wait, though.  I made a phone call and asked my guy to remove it for me.

So, the lesson was about love and faith.  It was about one boy meaning the world to his family– regardless of the challenges he had presented them prior to the major life changing accident.   It’s a tragic story, because I think it exposes a parent’s greatest fear– that their child, whose behavior is outside of their control, may do something or be put into a dangerous situation.  It’s a raw fear– one that I cannot even begin to truly understand.  But it goes beyond the tragedy and reminds me that there is LIFE outside of tragedy.  For every significant change– loss, even– there is a great lesson.  And if this young man’s life, and the faith of his family, can teach any one of us– ME, and doubtless many others that our experience can be filled with so much love and hope… well the lesson has been shared.

The story has touched my soul.  It reminds me of why I despise so much of our culture’s media.  I was focused on tragedy, whereas I should have been focused on a miracle.  On faith.  On pure faith that moves mountains.

It doesn’t have to be a faith associated with any particular God/Goddess/religion.  You just have to believe in miracles.

Without hope, one is lost.  With it, you can have, be, and do whatever you can dream of.

I lead a very happy life.   My sacred moments are filled with herbal tea and steaming baths.  My bed is always warm, and my clothes are always clean.  I eat well.  I sleep well.  Plants and books and people I love surround me, unwaveringly.  The sun always shines upon me.  My mind is filled with riddles to crack and the life-blood of joy.  There are children laughing excitedly in my home.  Peaceful music wraps my head, a drizzling of incense, and glimmers of waking life penetrate my atmosphere.  It is a dream, and it’s my reality.

So mote it be.

It’s looking brighter.  Healthier.

Glowing.

I’m excited, and anticipating.  Everything is literally falling into place.

You know the saying?  When doors close, more open up.  It is a rule.

I love this fancy game.

This life can be overwhelming.

There are so many experiences.  So many thoughts to touch my mind.  My heart.  My experience.

It seems that the solution to exhaustion is pride.  When I think I can’t possibly do more, I take pride in what I’ve done and it propels me.  I push myself beyond my own comfort zone, and it is there where I grasp freedom.

There are a gamut of emotions pummeling through my brain.  All of them I’ve tasted, chewed up, and swallowed.  Some I choose to eat again.  Some I spit out.  I choose to taste more love.

It is a dangerous emotion.  I can experience it for many, and for many lose touch.  I can hide it inside my heart, being stingy with it until I spare it for none.  I can spread it superficially as a drunk on holiday.  I can use it to attain more of it, to attain more of what I want materially, to prop the world in my palm.  It is dangerous because it opens my chest up to vast skies of the universe and to the depths of our deepest dark oceans.  It makes me vulnerable.  It fulfills me.

With it can come great adventure.

And loss.

It is knowing the experience of love that pushes me forward.  That pride.  That exhaustion.  I am motivated, and I am tired.  I am smiling.

It is knowing the pain of my losses that provides me extraordinary contrast.  It makes my elusive emotional experience that much more invaluable to me.   It is part of love, and it is how I know how to love someone entirely.  How to love myself completely.  How to love you wholly.  And I do.