Into The Rabbit Hole

This life can be overwhelming.

There are so many experiences.  So many thoughts to touch my mind.  My heart.  My experience.

It seems that the solution to exhaustion is pride.  When I think I can’t possibly do more, I take pride in what I’ve done and it propels me.  I push myself beyond my own comfort zone, and it is there where I grasp freedom.

There are a gamut of emotions pummeling through my brain.  All of them I’ve tasted, chewed up, and swallowed.  Some I choose to eat again.  Some I spit out.  I choose to taste more love.

It is a dangerous emotion.  I can experience it for many, and for many lose touch.  I can hide it inside my heart, being stingy with it until I spare it for none.  I can spread it superficially as a drunk on holiday.  I can use it to attain more of it, to attain more of what I want materially, to prop the world in my palm.  It is dangerous because it opens my chest up to vast skies of the universe and to the depths of our deepest dark oceans.  It makes me vulnerable.  It fulfills me.

With it can come great adventure.

And loss.

It is knowing the experience of love that pushes me forward.  That pride.  That exhaustion.  I am motivated, and I am tired.  I am smiling.

It is knowing the pain of my losses that provides me extraordinary contrast.  It makes my elusive emotional experience that much more invaluable to me.   It is part of love, and it is how I know how to love someone entirely.  How to love myself completely.  How to love you wholly.  And I do.

Once again, my life is complete.   I find myself feeling as though I have plenty of everything, and having that feeling only constitutes more of having enough.

The kids are with us again this week.  They provide great amusement and joy.  Little girl giggles and little boy stories are almost more valuable than gold.  We had them for the New Year’s Eve, and instead of getting a sitter, we stayed home.  Sort of.  We went across the street to our neighbor’s, where we ate like royalty and played billiards and other parlor games.   At midnight, we gathered all of the kids and went outside and watched some fireworks, and I got the most lovely New Year’s kiss.  The night was mostly uneventful, and that’s exactly what we were going for.

This last year was incredible!  I have never had such an extraordinary year, and I look forward to making 2008 even better.  Last year I went through the most magnificent changes: Who I am now is very different from whom I was on the New Year’s Eve of 2007.  I like the changes, and I feel entirely at ease with where I’m at now.  I have a beautiful family, a magnificent home, an excellent job, am surrounded with wonderful friends, and am following my heart.  Really, I don’t know that it gets any better than this.

Alas, it must, because my intention is to continue raising my vibration until I every moment, I’m singing.

I am promised great things.  I know that I will have them.  There is no question, and it doesn’t matter how I have them, just that I know I will have them.  This is how it goes.

Can I truly convey to you the feeling that accompanies my words?  It is confidence, and appreciation.  Gratitude and a knowing nod.   It’s a smile and an acceptance that all I desire is already mine.

Yes, this next year, I am unstoppable.  I have partnered up with someone who embraces these same thoughts and ideas as I do, someone who believes in the completion that is already our own.  He sees life through the same colored lens as my own, and we have the same goals, hopes, and dreams.  It is easy to vibrate on a high note alone– alone you can control nearly everything within your experience.  When you have two intimate people, thinking towards the same goal, showing gratitude for the same things, and prompting the Universe to allow more of what we desire together, it is as though our power is not merely doubled but increased tenfold.

With that, I can announce my imminent success in the next year.  I know that everything I intend will come into fruition.  I have thought much about what it is that I desire, and it is all already here before me.  I will enjoy and appreciate it.

And so mote it be.

There is a certain magic about books. Books and plants. Two of my favorite things.

Plants are easier for me to describe because they are obviously living things. To me, they are creatures. They have movement, even if they are tirelessly planted in one place, with roots that anchor them in to one spot forever. They turn their faces to the sunlight just as I do. They thirst and hunger just as I do. They are breathing creatures, though they use the gases that pass from my lips as their fodder and I use the oxygen that they exhale.

They are sensitive to changes. They need love and affection. Some of them need their leaves shined and many of them respond to touch. They die in the midst of emotion, and they thrive when their atmosphere is filled with love. They enjoy music, and you can tell this by the way the perk up to the rhythmic beats pouring out of my speakers.

Have you never seen such a thing? Perhaps you should watch them sometime. It’s rather beautiful.

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Do you think that the angels who walk around parading as human would know that they are angels?

Once, long ago– seems like a million years ago– I had a close friend who suffered her extraordinarily traumatic experiences over and over again every night as she fell asleep. She was diagnosed with Post Traumatic Stress Disorder and had vivid, horrific flashbacks, and I sat through them with her night after night for almost a year. She would tell me what she was seeing, sometimes in her own voice, and sometimes in a child’s voice, reenacting the wretched things she had experienced throughout her childhood. The things that fell from her lips were the worst things I had ever heard– and in spite of the horror they evoked within me, I would lie next to her, holding her hands, protecting her from her aggressors, whispering to her, “It’s not really happening again. These are just memories.” In time, she confided to me with her child-like voice, “Ash, you are my angel who stays with me through it all. You make the bad things not so bad because I know I don’t have to go through them alone any more.”

I met an angel once.

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A thought experiment…
I already know this to be true, because I’ve done it in the past.
However, as a good scientist, I will go ahead and do a few more experiments with the Law of Attraction, just so I can share with you my experiences!

Landon and I are working together with the transformation happening in our home.  We have both agreed that we are both excellent forward thinkers, and between the two of us, we should have no problem whatsoever creating everything we desire.

Not more than a few months ago, we began focusing on attracting some more bookshelves and at least one more dresser for the kids’ rooms.  There are a few more things on our list, but for the sake of brevity, these are the things we were working on– and recently acquired.  We didn’t want to have to pay for them, and we didn’t have to.  They were a gift, and while the kids probably won’t be nearly as excited as I am about them having a dresser in the one room that they currently share, I am nearly jumping out of my shoes with excitement!  Yay for dressers!  Bookshelves are yet another one of those wonderful gifts!  We acquired two bookshelves for the family room and another shelf that will be perfect in the kids’ rooms.  Also, we got a new loveseat sofa.  Again, we didn’t go out and buy these things, they were all gifts!  Truly blessed, we are!!!

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Hmmm.  For a woman who knows how to use her words “just so,”  I sometimes struggle with the next thing I’ll say to you.  I have so much to share and tell and teach, but in order to step onto my stage here, I must lose the fear I have that comes along with repercussion of what words I choose to express and how you might interpret them.

Genuinity is so important to me.  In saying it, I can hear the people who don’t love me crying out their *hisses* and *boos!* I can hear them saying things that could bring tears to my eyes, but at the same time, I realize that in this human form I am comfortable making great mistakes and learning from them; it is with great risk that comes great fortune.

Genuinity is important.  I can tell when a person isn’t being genuine.  I may not be able to decipher a four year old’s white lie– because if she’s genuine in what she’s saying to me, I may not know better.  Genuinity isn’t the same as truth– rather, it’s a form of energy that comes with being real about how you feel instead of falsifying it for your own or someone else’s benefit.  Read the rest of this entry »

Growth and change and patience and growth and change and patience and growth and change and patience… I’m seeing a pattern.

Growth in who I am, how I feel, how I feel about myself. Growth in my knowledge.  Growth in my understanding.  Growth in my awareness and in my acceptance.

Change.  Fuck, there’s change. 

Patience.  Good Goddess, how much more do I have to BE?!?  I thought I was a patient person, but…

I have news for me.  I have more to learn.  I am learning every day.  Every moment. 

I am learning that every time I start to feel like I’ll never reach my goal at this pace, that it is the journey which is a majority of my experience.  The journey is the climax, the focus, the ride along the way.  Never losing sight of my goals, I can still spend the time it takes to just BE.  And BE satisfied.  If I were to die tomorrow, would I look back and say mine was a fruitful life?  Absolutely, even if I never reached that big Pie In The Sky Goal.  I suppose it’s my tenacity in continuing on along a seemingly endless road that I like most about me.  That and my charming good looks.  *wink*  Read the rest of this entry »

Set your goals high.  Higher, even, than you think are possible given your current circumstances.  
Know what you want, and expect it.  
What you expect is what you get.  
Get what you want, always… 

Dreams are the maps to our joy.  Don’t stop believing.  (I know, get the song stuck in your head!)  Follow your heart… realize that you can’t plan HOW you will reach your goal, just know that you will have it.  Sometimes the paths we insist on taking don’t follow our hearts– allow yourself to deviate for the sake of seeing what might happen… there is no rule book, there are no road rules, no guidance other than what truly leads you: your instincts… which ultimately translates into your heart’s desires.

You can have it.  I promise.

Sometimes the English language fails me… and it’s not always the limitations of the language so much– I know more than one language.

Sometimes there are no words that describe it, as much as we’ve tried to use them as symbols for our thoughts, our emotions.

Sometimes we just have to rely on how it feels– in all aspects, physically, mentally, emotionally, and instead of using our brains to wrap our experience up into a bundle of verbs, nouns, and adjectives… we have to use our hearts and just let it be what it is.

And it feels right.  It feels good.  Magnificent.

In the most beautiful moments, you are there…And for that, I thank you.  (yes, you)