Into The Rabbit Hole

Drawing the line in the sand, I stand with one foot on the side of calm, cool, confident and collected; the other foot on the side of Bad Yoga Bob,* nervously flailing, sliding into the pits of failure, insecurity, sadness, and despair.

I’m uncomfortable not fully feeling in control. I’m nervous thinking that a part of me doesn’t know what to do in every situation– or worse, is fearful of the millions of ways that things can go wrong. I’m uncomfortable not being in charge of my emotions, especially when it comes to “negative” emotions.

In my recent past, I’ve very frequently discredited any of my negative emotions. I’ve treated them like they were wicked, red-headed step-children (not that there’s much wrong with wicked, red-headed step-children, they deserve love too, but

I digress). I’ve repressed them, denied they existed, and told myself I was better off without them.

To be quite honest, that’s what I thought was expected of me. I was afraid that I would push people away by expressing negativity. In reality, I was denying myself the very REAL experience of negative emotions. In fact, I think that part of what I was doing for the first part of mastering my powerful creativity was validating my invalidation of the opposite end of the spectrum. It made “sense”– if thoughts become things, then you absolutely shouldn’t think negative thoughts, especially not accompanied by negative emotion!!!

This perception can be a very vicious process– the moment you start to feel badly and CAN’T stop the feelings because you’re repressing them, you easily spiral out of control.

The truth is that negative emotional experience can’t be eliminated. And it shouldn’t be! Negative emotional experience is another tool in our tool box, it’s an invaluable part of being human. Does that mean that we should want to feel negative emotions? Probably not, but at least if we acknowledge their purpose and VALUE, we can work through them and move forward.

Feeling blue, sad, angry, anxious, irritated, aggressive, etc. IS valuable. It’s an important part of being human because it gives us something to compare feeling good against. If we only ever felt good emotions, we would never really appreciate what it was like to feel good. We’d be used to it to the point where it would just be normal and ho-hum. I’m proposing that negative emotion is the contrast that makes feeling good feel that much better.

This change in perspective opens up many doors to emotions and reactions to emotions. Instead of feeling bad about feeling bad, it allows me to feel good about it. To let loose. As AmberLotus so aptly put it (and I’m paraphrasing), “Gotta pour the crazy out.” If we don’t get those negative emotions out of our system, they just stay there. They build up. Eventually, we explode. This is not terribly conducive to long-lasting and healthy relationships– with anyone.

Many of the metaphysical teachers have said that negative emotions are an indication that what you’re in the process of creating isn’t that which you desire. Of course. Right. Can anyone freaking spell that out for me in English??

What *I* think it means, and I could be wrong here, but this works for me, so hang in there with me while I spit this out: Negative emotion doesn’t mean you’re creating something bad. It’s an indication that your focus is off, and that you need to pack that experience away into the recesses of your mind, and use it as a comparison– as a strong tool that teaches you that whatever you were doing when you felt badly WASN’T working, and therefore associate as something you’d rather not repeat again in the future. Negative emotion isn’t something to be feared– but to be revered. It’s a reminder that whatever you’re doing isn’t something that flows with you. Whatever you’re experiencing is something to perhaps be avoided in the future– not because the stimuli by itself was bad but because of how the stimuli made you feel… which was bad. Do you see what I mean when I separate it?

Additionally, any time I am feeling bad and then witness someone feeling worse, somehow my own circumstances don’t seem so terrible, and suddenly everything _for me_ is much better. We learned in junior high that knocking people down isn’t a permanent solution to our own happiness, and we certainly (with good conscience) won’t be wishing worse circumstances than our own on the people around us. It’s not the person with more horrible circumstances than me that makes me feel better– it is that suddenly my own circumstances are ones that I’m able to feel grateful for. And with feeling grateful, comes many more emotions that can be contextually compared with the times we were feeling bad, and the cycle of gratitude perpetuates itself. Suddenly those negative emotions seem a lot more important now, don’t they?

I’ve struggled A LOT with being okay with feeling bad: in my cycle, in my relationships, in my head. I’ve felt wrong for feeling bad and have been afraid to express how I’m feeling. In many ways, this explains why I’ve been so afraid to feel emotions– why I’ve been so emotionally flat for most of my life. Of course, its not always been as un-emotional as a rock, because I’ve had uncontrollable blurps on the radar where I’ve instantaneously and temporarily broken into tears or felt giddy– but it wasn’t until the last few years that I truly experienced normal emotion to its fullest. Slowly, I’m coming into my own and discovering that not only is it okay to feel and express feeling good but I it’s also normal and I am expected to feel and express feeling bad.

Still, this lesson is a hard one to teach yourself. As good as I am at self-therapy, I’m also forcing myself to step outside of my comfort zone– outside of what I’ve known to be true this whole life.

Much of what I’ve learned these last few months has been the purpose and value of feeling bad– and to become comfortable feeling it, without also feeling guilty for expressing it. I can tell you that this series of experiences have been something that I’d rather not ever go through again– especially not something with this magnitude. As much as I’m thankful for the lesson, I’d rather not remember this once I’m done. *Nods at the universe* Got the lesson down. No need to revisit it. I’m good now… *sigh* But if I MUST recall this series of experience, at least I can do so knowing that I’m taking the utmost value from it and turning it into a learning opportunity.

I suppose you can’t ask for much better than that.

*Bad Yoga Bob, or BYB is a well-intended fellow who goes in to his activity with great amounts of gusto and no grace. He is dedicated to yoga– in that he attends regularly, but he just doesn’t GET that yoga is as much a mindful thing as it is a set of physical movements. He just jumps right in, throws his mat down haphazardly, and usually doesn’t consider how his flailing about affects the other people who are near him. Because he lacks the patience to learn how to do the movements correctly, he often falls down on top of himself– or worse– on top of the people around him. He is completely unaware that he is being BYB because he is completely unaware.

**Paradoxical: adjective; seemingly contradictory but nonetheless possibly true.

***ambiguous: adjective; open to two or more interpretations; or of uncertain nature or significance; or intended to mislead.

****paradigm: noun; an example serving as a model; pattern.

I picked up the kids from Grammy & Granddad’s today after work. I love those little boogers.

We came home, and between the three of us, we polished off the alphabet soup I made using Grammy’s homemade chicken broth and my old old old alphabet pasta. The kids liked it, and therefore I liked it. I treated them to ice cream afterwards… it’s the weirdest thing, Tyler doesn’t like chocolate… so, shhh, I let him have maple syrup on his ice cream while Kora and I had chocolate. I mean, really, is there THAT big of a difference between the two?

Then we ventured outside to see what we can do about the garden. I was given some plastic fencing, and I already had some T-bar. I bought a variety pack of plastic zip ties, which came in hot pink, hot orange, lime, yellow, and dark blue. I borrowed this massive hammer from the neighbor, got up on a foot stool, and started beating the hell out of the T-bar. Amazingly, I got it in the ground. And I got all four of them in by at least five inches. (You go girl!!)

Then I secured the fencing to the T-bar using pretty plastic ties. If it seems like this muther is going to stay erect, I intend on covering the dark green fencing with more colorful plastic and who knows what other sorts of decoration.

*grin*

Of course, my T-bar is crooked, and my fence isn’t perfect, but it’s on a hill and frankly I have no clue. If it keeps the dogs out, I’m going to keep it. And I WILL be taking pictures of the progress for you all as I go along.

Life *is* pretty good. There’s nothing like being outside doing stuff to make me smile.

That, and I have a job I love. I have beautiful happy healthy kids that I can enjoy without having to do all the hard work. Like birthing them and potty training. I get to teach them things about Life every minute of every hour I’m with them. And I’m amazed at what they retain. Tyler’s memory is absolutely incredible. He remembered what he was doing last year when he helped me plant my garden and was asking me about people that he hasn’t seen in nine months. Amazing. Out of sight out of mind does NOT apply with these two.

I feel almost as though I have been keeping something from you.

So much has changed about me– about my writing since I moved my work from Myspace to my “own professional blog.” I have been in somewhat of a hibernation while I’ve been trying to figure out my new roles, and much of it has translated into a loss of passion for my writing. Not that it was ever Gone, really, but that I have been withholding, for one reason or another. I used to use my writing as a form of therapy– a form of pouring my heart out to you… and it has become something different. Something that was less biting, less intimate… and for that, I am truly sorry.

I became cautious… and aware of the infinite capacity I have to rule the writing world of internet… my reader base changed… and I was afraid of saying things that could be hurtful to past friendships that I believed at the time were salvageable. Who I am as a person has changed and grown… and much of this time has been spent trying to figure that all out.

I was thinking, though. And I was doing a whole lot of soul searching… purging the secrets from my past, creating new secrets to share with you all.

Please don’t be mad… I had good reasons to keep myself from you. I had good reasons, and while they were good for the time, I believe I’ve worked all those reasons out.

So it begins.

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Well, can you deal with mental illness?

Generally speaking, I say yes. I have this knack for being able to see a red flag that indicates I’m not working with a full deck and can immediately hit the off switch on my emotions. In most cases, I’m golden. Emotionally un-volatile. People tell me things. Things that no one should tell me. I handle it very well, and can remain objective and non-judgmental about it.

Except for one thing…

I have a really difficult time with suicidal people. It’s because I feel so emotionally connected with it. I’ve never once in my entire life– in and out of depression– NEVER felt the urge to kill myself. I’m afraid of death. I’m afraid of it not because I don’t want to die (though, I’m sure somewhere in there, that’s part of it), but because I can’t imagine the pain that my beloveds would experience in losing me. Of course I can think rationally about the situation: everyone dies. You’re no more unique in death than you are in birth. It’s an important part of our life cycle, which in many ways has been fiddled with so incessantly (probably because many people are afraid of death) to the point where we have extended our lifespans so dramatically that it’s affecting our ecosystem immeasurably. Hell, maybe it’s not immeasurable at all– we can see the measurable effects of over-population in a plethora of ways. The point is that I don’t necessarily agree with the extent that we’ve extended our life sentence. It’s not really very good to fuck with the cycle of life. Death is imminent, it’s necessary, and it’s REAL.

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I’ve been in a sort of hibernation this week… Recovering from being sick.  This weekend has had me in bed by 8:30-9:00 every evening so far.  I suppose I’ve needed the rest.  It’s good, because I’m feeling better, and my skin is looking more clear.  Yay for that.  Sometimes I forget to get enough sleep… but it’s one of those important things that I need in order to function at my best.   I get caught up in being so busy that I’m at a constant “Full Speed Ahead” gear… and I forget that I need to take care of my body… I need to get enough water, enough of the right foods (and limit the wrong foods); I need to limit my toxins and take my vitamins… I need to sleep enough in order to accomplish what I want without being sleepy and so that I can think clearly.  It’s all a balance– between five thousand different aspects of health.

It’s not only physical– though your physical wellness is a huge part of health.  It’s also about expressing and experiencing emotions in a healthy way… getting enough social time, enough alone time, and making time for the things that are important to me.  It’s about being kind to myself and eliminating the negative self talk that I hear playing in my mind from time to time.  It’s about having enough faith in myself to know that I can and will accomplish anything I set out to do.  If that means working full time in a job that requires my full attention, my time management, giving emotional validation to parents who are going through the experience of having a sick child who needs a brain surgeon… then riding the bus on Colfax with a number of… crazy people…. arriving at school and taking challenging Chemistry courses, coming home to a family of two kids and two dogs and a wonderful man– and then taking on the role of Parent until bed time… well, that’s exactly what I am going to do.  I do it all, and I do it well.  But I can’t accomplish this without taking care of myself.

I think that many of us who have the Overachiever Syndrome tend to forget that one very important part of our responsibility.  We think we can accomplish it all and then sleep when we’re dead.  I appreciate the sentiment, but really, we can’t consistently behave like Super (wo)man without taking our health seriously.  Otherwise, it’s just spurts of superhuman performance in between being sick physically, emotionally, or mentally. Exhaustion isn’t very enticing.

Anyway, this is just as much for myself as it is for you.  I forget these things sometimes.  It’s always nice to have a little reminder.  Love yourself in body, mind and spirit.  Self love is imperative when you’re trying to be a rock star.

I believe that much, if not all, illness is a physical manifestation of psychological unrest.  I can say this, having caught some sort of virus, that what I needed– and finally reluctantly gave myself– was a break.  A break from my responsibilities, my constant movement.  I needed to stop and to be still.  To allow my natural resources to find balance again and replenish itself.

At first I felt extreme guilt and agitation… and rationally, I realize that these emotions were not helping the healing process.  After much thought, and a seriously hot, long, bath, I found my center again, and have begun feeling emotionally better about taking today off from everything.

With the emotional tethers let loose, I am now able to focus on allowing my body to recover.

I love books that make me think.

I’m not through the Celestine Prophecy yet because I’m forcing myself to sit through it and think. I find enough value in it to truly reflect what I’m learning. This is all part of the process: learn, reflect, learn, reflect…

The part I’m currently reading has had a significant impact on me. I’m on the sixth insight, which basically says that every one of us has a basic sort of control drama– a way that we control situations and steal energy from other people. I fall primarily into one of the four categories: I am aloof. In order to control a situation, I will be silent, waiting for people to tell me what I want to hear– what they need to say. I have discovered that I can gain attention just by being quiet.

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We totally loved on our plants tonight. I love lovin on the plants. We re-potted more than twenty of them. Gave them the love we’ve been meaning to give them but never found the time to. Thank Goddess for Christmas break, right???

The house is looking rather jungle-y. I’m a big fan of jungle-y.

You might think I’m weird for this, but I’m going to tell you for the sake of you either thinking, “My she’s weird,” or, “Hey, that’s rather cool.”

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Warning: this is a sensitive topic.

I feel like I’ve jumped head first into a deep sea of mental illness. This is such a sensitive topic, that I hesitate to address it, but know that for my own sake, I have to write about it. Somehow, in some way, if I can help someone else out with my thoughts, then I feel it necessary to post it. So, I will do my best to be sensitive about what I say. It is not my intention to divulge identities, nor is it my intention to spew forth drama or unnecessary stress… I just want to get some things straight in my head so that I can have a more solid stance on what/how I think and feel about this stressful situation.

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Yunno me… always thinking.I had a rough start to the day.  I was feeling bad, though I couldn’t quite figure out why.  Could be the full moon, or maybe my hormones.  Could be alcohol I drank yesterday– or all the sugar I’ve had over the last 24 hours.  Maybe I’m fighting something off, or it’s the stress of the holidays, or even me just figuring out this parenting and significant other role…

Regardless of why I was feeling bad, I conquered yet another conflict within me: I felt bad, was able to express it, and then worked through it.

For a good part of my life I’ve been hesitant to express when I don’t feel good.  I don’t want to be one of THOSE people who no one wants to listen to because they’re spouting off negativities… I’ve never liked THOSE kind.  I don’t want to be rejected for my feelings, which is something I’ve apparently been conditioned into fearing.  That goes right back to my good old Fear of Abandonment issues… Alas, I recognize those feelings as such and have learned to identify them for what they are.

I’m feeling better now.  I knew the feeling was fleeting.  It’s been a challenging experience dealing with all of life’s stressors, all of the things that just add to the weight I place upon myself. I learned something new today about myself: be gentle.  Allow and accept the bad feeling, and then set it free. 

I’ve also learned about frustrations… about parenting and financial woes… that I DO actually have a breaking point.  Not that I broke that point, but that I have one.   Huh, and all this time I thought I didn’t!

These, to me, are great things to recognize.  To acknowledge them, validate them, and to allow them works far better than to deny them or to hide from them. 

As the evening rolls in, and my tensions are lessened, I’m grateful for the lesson about myself.  Amazing how I can be solidly into adulthood and still be learning about me.  That’s a good thing, I suppose… that’s something that I think everyone should strive to reach for.  It’s a good indicator that I’m still capable of implicit change within me.  To me, that’s one of the best lessons of all.