I suppose that there is one of two possible causes for humans to have created spirituality in the realm of evolution.   The first possibility is that we need it in order to cope with our own mortality, feeling less anxious about death because we know something “Better” will come after we pass on from our physical bodies.

The second possibility is that we somehow remember– not necessarily cognitively– that there is something more.  Perhaps our cells remember– though organically that wouldn’t make a whole lot of sense because our cells are what die.  The scientist in me struggles to make sense of it all- to understand how a majority of perfectly reasonable (okay that’s relative) people believe in SOMETHING.  It comes back to one of the laws of thermodynamics: Energy cannot be created nor destroyed.  So, in the scheme of all that exists, we are energy.  Every single cell in our body uses something carbon based as a “food” to make energy.  Every carbon based cell we consume once used something else to make energy to grow.  Animals consume other animals and plants. Plants use sunlight to make energy.  The sun expels energy from the dramatic process of nuclear fusion, which is a result of the cataclysmic nature of the creation of our universe– a creation that natural physicists insist followed the law in that the energy was already there– it just changed form somehow…  When we die, our bodies decompose into basic carbon that is reabsorbed into the ground.  Or, the process can be accelerated by cremation– either way, our cells are always carbon based, and eventually those carbons return to the earth to be used as nutrients for more plant life, which again is eventually consumed by another animal– us or otherwise.  I suppose another possibility to allow our cells to remember is that we are all the result of something living.  Every single one of us was created by two cells from two other living beings.  Perhaps that “memory” is passed down to us from the point of conception… I’m doubtful, but somehow there could be a connection.  (more…)

Road rage is caused by two things, and ONLY two things: YOUR EGO and IMPATIENCE. I’m not entirely certain that I know how to change your ego.  I think a person’s ego is a personal thing, and is directly correlated with a person’s overall self-esteem.  My first thought is that a person with lower self-esteem may be inclined to ballooning up a bigger ego to compensate for their lower self-esteem.  Low Self-Esteem Guy may be somewhat more sensitive to perceived “wrong-doings” that indicate to the Sensitive Ego Guy (same person, different hat/title) that someone has somehow directly or indirectly stepped on their toes, therefore pressing Sensitive Ego Guy into coming back with a fight in order to enforce the boundaries of said self-esteem.  So, what is road rage?  Road rage happens with Sensitive Ego Guy (formerly known as Low Self-Esteem Guy) thinks someone did something to wrong him and in return aggresses to establish his personal sense of ego.

“Oh yeah?  You think you can cut me off like that? (Or butt in front of me, or make me go slow, etc., etc.) Well!! I’ll show you who’s boss!!!” …proceed erratic and dangerous driving methods that put all of our lives in danger…  (more…)

All we’re trying to do is create memories… after all, isn’t that the sum of our experience?  I put intoxicants into my body that do not allow for clarity, instead fuzziness and in some cases, lack of memory.   How can we learn from what we experience if we cannot remember it?

This human experience is definitely one for the record books.  I document, as though through the eyes of another life form, experiencing the human experience, as I experience it, stating my observations as I move along. It’s all a lesson.

Life is truly about understanding the social behaviors… we’re all ultimately just learning how to get along with each other.  Some of us have figured out the more “civilized” route, where we fail to see purpose in killing one another.  Further, some of us have figured out that there is no real purpose in argument, failing to find reason in creating more of this man-made bullshit I lovingly refer to as “drama.”

Not to say that all argument is “drama;” some argument is appropriate, and in certain times, necessary. What I speak of is more a man-created facade that we put energy into because we’re rather bored; we have evolved into these extraordinarily intelligent creatures who cannot, for the lack of chemical stimulation, escape the excitement caused by a little bit of drama.

Humans create a lot of baggage.  We use intangibles such as “emotional attachment,” “love,” “forever after,” “time,” “credit” and “duty” (oh, and did I forget to mention “God?”) as excuses to feel an altered state of existence– one that inevitably brings forth further “drama” and demise of our own personal balance.

Fascinating. And so we move forward.  We experience these highs and lows, and we place value on the emotional state of the experience.  We see things through a lens of whatever emotion shades or tinges our thoughts at the moment we are experiencing.  Say, for instance, a man who explodes on a customer service representative on his lunch break.  Really, the fact that his cable bill is incorrect is really not valuable enough to snap at a perfectly willing-to-help attendant. However, what we do not see on the surface is that earlier in that day, his dog was hit by a car.  And even more emotionally draining, prior to that, he found out his significant other was cheating.  Further, the week prior, a beloved family member had passed away; and even more, soon he would turn to the ripe old age of forty, with nothing more to show than two failed marriages and some shitty furniture from Wal-Mart. Yesh.  Suffice it to say, we are all doing the best we can with what we’ve got at the moment. 

These humans may behave in odd ways– seeking desperately to stimulate their adrenal glands because they are numbed in the face of gratuitous violence and sex on TV… they are unhappy because they can no longer viably produce serotonin on their own because they did one too many hits of ecstasy as young adults and their primary care physician prescribed an SSRI because they were feeling exhaustion… lethargy… perhaps brought on by too much coffee and too many televisions in the bedroom.  Perhaps. And instead of identifying the true cause for the need in stimulation, they watch the nightly news and thank God every night that it was not they who were killed in the gory car accidents and suicide bombs and gang wars.  They create science fiction battles in their minds and pick fights with their neighbors. 

We are an under-stimulated culture.  We starve ourselves because the food is plenty and we drown ourselves in sorrow because alcohol is legal.We are a fascinating creature, us humans.  We are addicted– to everything.  We form emotional habits that we succumb to day after day, harboring pity for those without and jealousy for those within.  We are holding our breath until the next great moment arrives, bringing waves of any extreme emotion we can wrap our fingers around.  We are not complete without it.  We cannot feel comfort or completion with ourselves.

We are human.

Everyone is going through their own experience, doing the best that they can do with what they’ve got.  Some people are more ingenuitive, some are more creative, and some have the advantage of a free-spirited attitude that allows them to do whatever they need to do with what they’ve got.

It’s easy to forget this because we can quickly become caught up in the emotions of our daily existence… emotions are great, and they enhance the experience; however, they also cloud logic, rationality, and, frequently, common sense and empathy… Emotions are good, but they cloud.  It’s much easier to remind yourself that all people are going through their own challenges if you are not emotionally involved. 

Truly, I believe it’s the most important time to remind yourself this is as a response to a strong emotional experience– rather than choosing to become carried away by the drama and the noise that accompanies thick emotion. 

All people are also going through their own challenges, doing the best they can do. Empathy comes easily to me.  I have no difficulties putting myself into another person’s shoes and going through the gamut of possible emotions they could be experiencing.  I can understand how one could feel, given a certain set of circumstances and emotions. 

Along with empathy, though, is a necessary boundary… a necessary line to be drawn in the sand that says, “I feel your emotion, but I do not allow myself to become caught up in the clouding that you might experience by being right in the middle of the circumstances.”

It must be frustrating to have me do this. Fortunately for me, I am okay with this.   I’m certainly not perfect at defining and upholding the boundary, but I’m getting better at it.  Practice makes perfect, right?

I hope that you, too, can do the same for me… acknowledging that I, too, am going through my own challenges, doing the best I can do with what I’ve got.   I feel confident that I’m doing alright… of course, I’m in the middle of my very own emotional experience.  And that’s beautiful and good and all those things that they can be…

There’s a difference between feeling bad and feeling pain.

Pain can be very good. It can be necessary for healing, necessary for understanding the contrast, and in some cases can be quite pleasurable. Pain is healthy, in moderation. Feeling bad on the other hand, is unnecessary. It’s not useful, and unless you find a way to work with the experience, and ultimately learn from it, it serves very little purpose. Some examples of feeling bad are: generally having a yucky feeling, feeling guilty, jealous, or insecure, and over all feeling the opposite of good. You can feel good and experience pain. You can be sad, you can mourn, and you can experience loss– even heartbreak– and still feel good. You can know there is goodness to be had from your own life, and you can be comfortable knowing that the temporary discomfort is useful somehow– useful in a way that brings forth more good, rather than feeling bad.

My latest definition of health: health is when, for every single negative experience, you have two or three positive experiences… this can be actual situations you walk through, this can be things you say about yourself or others, or this can even be merely thoughts that flee through your mind… for every single negative, you can come up with two or three positives. That, my friends, is HEALTH. It includes emotional, spiritual, physical and mental health… all of these facets should have two or three goods for every single bad…

How healthy are you?

I do believe that all emotions are valid… and all experiences are worthy of experiencing simply because you have opportunities to go through them– learn about yourself through them, and to come out a more wise person in the end: knowing how to handle them the next time you are presented with such experiences (and you will be). I do believe negative emotions are valid, but I also believe that what you emit is what you emote– what you talk about affects the feelings of the people around you, and it affects you directly. It’s important to be cognizant of your thoughts and what you “put out there” because not only is it causing you to experience what you’re putting out, but you’re causing other people to experience it as well.

As a responsible, affective, affecting human being, it should be within your priority to be conscious and aware of what emotions you are experiencing, and what you are reflecting to others.

So… these are my response to “it’s okay to feel bad.” I don’t know that it’s wrong, really. But it just doesn’t seem right. When there are so many other ways to use your energy, I feel like using it in a way that is conducive to health would be the better way. *shrug*

Or maybe I’m just some silly hippie.

I have never seen myself so clearly. JZ posted several videos from our youth.  In one of them, was me.
The first few times I watched it, I was embarrassed, a little saddened by my inability to dress myself in a fashion that would not leave me red in the face at a later time. Honestly, my first thought was that I looked fat… which really didn’t make much sense to me, because at the time of the video, I wasn’t eating. I have seen pictures of myself as a non-eater. And in other pictures, I look quite the opposite of fat… I look sickly…skinny.

I want to tell you something about me… I’ve been thinking of how I was going to present this to you, and I could never quite find the words to embrace it. Now I understand, clearly.

When I was about twelve years old, I decided that I wanted to disappear.  I wasn’t quite suicidal, but I was definitely feeling very low about myself.  Instead of the more gruesome alternatives, I decided to starve myself.

I figured that the best case scenario was that I would become skinny and beautiful. Instead, I was wasting away.  I didn’t feel beautiful.  I didn’t feel lovely.  I felt like I needed other people– specifically men– to tell me who I was.  I needed validation, definition, molding… from these men that I loved.

I was anorexic.  I didn’t like me.  And I didn’t know who I was. (more…)

At moments I’m tempted to feel sad and fearful.
I know that these emotions are not in alignment with happiness; therefore, while it’s often easy to indulge, I know that I need to continue to focus on the things that make me calm and satisfied and jubilant in this life.  I have frequently been terrified of falling asleep.  I am afraid of letting go of my consciousness.  I am afraid of dying in my sleep. “I’m just not ready yet.  I have plans.”
A wise man pointed out last night that I’ll always have plans. My mind slammed into a brick wall at the speed of light– I had been streaking across the universe. I’ll always have plans.   I keep looking at death as something I want to postpone because I have things going on now and I want to accomplish them before I go.  I also have the idea that if I dote on death, or “allow” it to happen with my mind, then I am allowing it to happen with my body.  However, I’ll always have plans, and death is inevitable.  Allowing it is NOT the same as being comfortable with my own mortality. I’ll always have plans.  It’s not like once I become a doctor I’ll have nothing to yearn for.  In fact, probably quite the opposite.  As I watch my dreams unfold now, I am only opening doors for bigger and more amazing dreams.  As I yearn for my degree, I yearn for happiness, I yearn for companionship, I’m only opening myself wide and asking for more and more amazing things to dream of.  More and more amazing things to plan for…It’s going to take some time for me to absorb this understanding, but I want to present this to you as I learn and grow and become calm about mortality… death is a significant part of life.  It is inevitable and it is imperative.  I might not be “ready” for it, but at least I don’t have to fear it.

I long.   
Let it be known, I have had an emotionally charged day.   
My hormones are unforgiving, my self-esteem is feeling a bit dented, and my bubble has burst.    But only a little.   I long for companionship… for someone to just BE here with me.    
A rough day today.  I discovered that the position not only requires 40 hours a week, while I had been giving 37.5, but I also learned that they would not be as flexible with my school schedule as I had believed.  My dream job… is not what it appeared after all.  Don’t get me wrong; I love my job, I love what I do, I love all aspects… but I am only there because it’s a means to an end… it pays the bills while I’m a full time student.  It is a great environment for me to be in while I go to school.  It’s not a career, and it’s certainly nothing I would give up my education for.  Nothing is worth more to me than my goal to become a doctor.  Not a man, not a job, not a (fill in the blank).  I want to be a doctor.  In order to get into medical school, I have to finish my bachelors and take the MCAT.   That’s all there is to it.  I can’t become a doctor through osmosis or by just hanging out with doctors all day.   Sad.  I really loved it there, too.    Hopefully I will find another position within the hospital.  I know that it’s not personal.  I know that I’m a rock star employee… I guess I was just misunderstanding, and perhaps even me hoping a little that my work ethic (me busting my ass every day) would be enough… but it’s not.  Business needs over ride personal needs.  That’s business.  That’s how it works.  I’m okay with that.    Honestly.   *deep breath*  I have a lot on my plate right now, and most of what I can think of is having company over.  Or going somewhere to be around people.  Now really is the worst time for me to be thinking about guys… or hanging out with my girlfriends… or any of that social business.  Six of my favorite classmates invited me out for a beer tonight.  I declined, giving them some lame line about how I didn’t like to be at bars now that I don’t drink.   Sad.   I can’t really even say I don’t drink… because I do, sometimes.   I don’t really even hate going to the bars… and all I really want is to be near people, yet I turned them down.  My favorite people.  I have so much to do!   And here I am, not doing it.  I’m thinking of doing it.  But I’m not.   *sigh*  Thank goodness every day is a new one.   Tomorrow I will shine. 

Today I take ownership. Today I own myself.  I own my emotions, my feelings, my hopes, and my goals. Today I take responsibility for caring for my needs in EVERY way.  Financially, spiritually, intellectually, physically, nutritionally, and emotionally. Today my head is held high; I am confident in my ability.  
I am capable of handling any situation presented before me.  I do not push responsibility on anyone else.
I do not dismiss circumstances by saying, “But that’s not my fault.”  Today I say instead, “This is how it is, this is what I will make of it.”  “This is mine, this is my own, this is my choice and my responsibility and my experience.  This is ME.”  I acknowledge my ownership, and I take care of me first.  My awareness of self makes me self-sufficient.  I am strong!  I am able!  And I will accomplish everything I intend to.

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