Into The Rabbit Hole

If you speak in absolutes under the guise of Truth, you come off as a child who believes he knows more than everyone else. You MAY very well know more than most people, but that alone is not a distinguishable feat. You do NOT know more than all people- because to begin to claim that you resolutely know what is Truth is to thrust yourself into a position that does not relegate the option that sometimes inevitably, you must be wrong.

Drawing the line in the sand, I stand with one foot on the side of calm, cool, confident and collected; the other foot on the side of Bad Yoga Bob,* nervously flailing, sliding into the pits of failure, insecurity, sadness, and despair.

I’m uncomfortable not fully feeling in control. I’m nervous thinking that a part of me doesn’t know what to do in every situation– or worse, is fearful of the millions of ways that things can go wrong. I’m uncomfortable not being in charge of my emotions, especially when it comes to “negative” emotions.

In my recent past, I’ve very frequently discredited any of my negative emotions. I’ve treated them like they were wicked, red-headed step-children (not that there’s much wrong with wicked, red-headed step-children, they deserve love too, but

I digress). I’ve repressed them, denied they existed, and told myself I was better off without them.

To be quite honest, that’s what I thought was expected of me. I was afraid that I would push people away by expressing negativity. In reality, I was denying myself the very REAL experience of negative emotions. In fact, I think that part of what I was doing for the first part of mastering my powerful creativity was validating my invalidation of the opposite end of the spectrum. It made “sense”– if thoughts become things, then you absolutely shouldn’t think negative thoughts, especially not accompanied by negative emotion!!!

This perception can be a very vicious process– the moment you start to feel badly and CAN’T stop the feelings because you’re repressing them, you easily spiral out of control.

The truth is that negative emotional experience can’t be eliminated. And it shouldn’t be! Negative emotional experience is another tool in our tool box, it’s an invaluable part of being human. Does that mean that we should want to feel negative emotions? Probably not, but at least if we acknowledge their purpose and VALUE, we can work through them and move forward.

Feeling blue, sad, angry, anxious, irritated, aggressive, etc. IS valuable. It’s an important part of being human because it gives us something to compare feeling good against. If we only ever felt good emotions, we would never really appreciate what it was like to feel good. We’d be used to it to the point where it would just be normal and ho-hum. I’m proposing that negative emotion is the contrast that makes feeling good feel that much better.

This change in perspective opens up many doors to emotions and reactions to emotions. Instead of feeling bad about feeling bad, it allows me to feel good about it. To let loose. As AmberLotus so aptly put it (and I’m paraphrasing), “Gotta pour the crazy out.” If we don’t get those negative emotions out of our system, they just stay there. They build up. Eventually, we explode. This is not terribly conducive to long-lasting and healthy relationships– with anyone.

Many of the metaphysical teachers have said that negative emotions are an indication that what you’re in the process of creating isn’t that which you desire. Of course. Right. Can anyone freaking spell that out for me in English??

What *I* think it means, and I could be wrong here, but this works for me, so hang in there with me while I spit this out: Negative emotion doesn’t mean you’re creating something bad. It’s an indication that your focus is off, and that you need to pack that experience away into the recesses of your mind, and use it as a comparison– as a strong tool that teaches you that whatever you were doing when you felt badly WASN’T working, and therefore associate as something you’d rather not repeat again in the future. Negative emotion isn’t something to be feared– but to be revered. It’s a reminder that whatever you’re doing isn’t something that flows with you. Whatever you’re experiencing is something to perhaps be avoided in the future– not because the stimuli by itself was bad but because of how the stimuli made you feel… which was bad. Do you see what I mean when I separate it?

Additionally, any time I am feeling bad and then witness someone feeling worse, somehow my own circumstances don’t seem so terrible, and suddenly everything _for me_ is much better. We learned in junior high that knocking people down isn’t a permanent solution to our own happiness, and we certainly (with good conscience) won’t be wishing worse circumstances than our own on the people around us. It’s not the person with more horrible circumstances than me that makes me feel better– it is that suddenly my own circumstances are ones that I’m able to feel grateful for. And with feeling grateful, comes many more emotions that can be contextually compared with the times we were feeling bad, and the cycle of gratitude perpetuates itself. Suddenly those negative emotions seem a lot more important now, don’t they?

I’ve struggled A LOT with being okay with feeling bad: in my cycle, in my relationships, in my head. I’ve felt wrong for feeling bad and have been afraid to express how I’m feeling. In many ways, this explains why I’ve been so afraid to feel emotions– why I’ve been so emotionally flat for most of my life. Of course, its not always been as un-emotional as a rock, because I’ve had uncontrollable blurps on the radar where I’ve instantaneously and temporarily broken into tears or felt giddy– but it wasn’t until the last few years that I truly experienced normal emotion to its fullest. Slowly, I’m coming into my own and discovering that not only is it okay to feel and express feeling good but I it’s also normal and I am expected to feel and express feeling bad.

Still, this lesson is a hard one to teach yourself. As good as I am at self-therapy, I’m also forcing myself to step outside of my comfort zone– outside of what I’ve known to be true this whole life.

Much of what I’ve learned these last few months has been the purpose and value of feeling bad– and to become comfortable feeling it, without also feeling guilty for expressing it. I can tell you that this series of experiences have been something that I’d rather not ever go through again– especially not something with this magnitude. As much as I’m thankful for the lesson, I’d rather not remember this once I’m done. *Nods at the universe* Got the lesson down. No need to revisit it. I’m good now… *sigh* But if I MUST recall this series of experience, at least I can do so knowing that I’m taking the utmost value from it and turning it into a learning opportunity.

I suppose you can’t ask for much better than that.

*Bad Yoga Bob, or BYB is a well-intended fellow who goes in to his activity with great amounts of gusto and no grace. He is dedicated to yoga– in that he attends regularly, but he just doesn’t GET that yoga is as much a mindful thing as it is a set of physical movements. He just jumps right in, throws his mat down haphazardly, and usually doesn’t consider how his flailing about affects the other people who are near him. Because he lacks the patience to learn how to do the movements correctly, he often falls down on top of himself– or worse– on top of the people around him. He is completely unaware that he is being BYB because he is completely unaware.

**Paradoxical: adjective; seemingly contradictory but nonetheless possibly true.

***ambiguous: adjective; open to two or more interpretations; or of uncertain nature or significance; or intended to mislead.

****paradigm: noun; an example serving as a model; pattern.

Eventually, I’ll imagine I’m going to come to a breaking point. *shrug*

Maybe not.

I have a great attitude, and am doing what’s psychologically best for me at this time. I’m not starving myself (a past coping mechanism), nor am I being mean or excessively restrictive to myself. I’m allowing myself normal emotions, and I’m giving myself permission to cry when I feel like it, laugh when I want to, and think good or bad thoughts as they present themselves. Overall, I feel pretty mentally healthy.

At the same time, the stress is unbearable. I don’t really feel like I have many people to go to. Yes, yes, I get that I have friends, but some things I can’t share. Some things I just have to swallow, work through, and just focus on the next step.

I am relinquishing control. And surprisingly, I don’t feel like I’m flailing– at least not all the time. Instead, perhaps, it’s a steady slipping. Sliding. Downwards. While I’m falling, I’m looking around for the steps I’ll be using to pull myself out of this once I finally hit the bottom… Pointing out the landmarks that I can use to direct myself out of this pit.

It’s really not THAT terrible. I’m thankful I have such a good head on my shoulders. I know that much of this is my way of proving that I can handle all of this… even though I shudder to think of it. I know I’m a powerful creator, and I recognize that what I’m creating right now isn’t what I’m going for. At the same time, I just hope that I’m about to give myself a break here– sooner rather than later. As much as I can handle it, I’m certainly going to leave this lesson as just a faint memory as soon as I can.

It is about the contrast… makes the good things that much better. It is about the emotion– understanding that I’m capable of experiencing both highs and lows. It’s about handling stress in a healthy and meaningful manner. It’s about…

Goddess, I’m tired.

This was an almost perfect weekend!

The weather was absolutely gorgeous, and I got my first sunburn of the season.  I was able to wear a tank top and short skirt. I played in the dirt, planted my garden, handled yard work that so desperately needed my attention. My lower back is sore and my body is utterly exhausted.  I’m getting thinner– and that’s nothing to complain about!!  My arms are starting to show some definition that I noticed this morning…

I love gardening.  I love yard work.  I love being in the sun…

It was glorious, almost perfect.

The part that makes it not perfect was that I did this all alone.  My guy is gone.  None of my friends could make it over.

Everyone’s got their own lives going on…

I suppose this is where I put more energy into making friends with people who can come over– who have similar lifestyles to mine… who enjoy playing in the dirt, being in the sun and… you know, are more like me.

Yesh.

As much as my bittersweet ambiguity has bothered me, I feel blessed to know I have the OPTION and the ABILITY to feel ambiguous.

It is in the pits of extreme emotion that one finds passion.

And to be given back the gift of passion, I begin to feel alive again.

Raaaaaarr!

How are you holding up, Ash?

Well… Aside from everything being completely fucked up– and seemingly a new fucked up thing happens every day– I’m doing just fine, thank you.

I’m cranky.  I imagine this is a fairly normal reaction.  I’m not breaking down, and I’m not debilitated.

My boyfriend is gone for an extended period of time, I have the responsibility of children, dogs, and a house.  I have the help of his mom, but there’s added stress because it’s like feeling out a new roommate… I have school that I’m trying to finish, and my grandfather passed away, and now it sounds like there’s a chance another family member may have breast cancer.  I’m fucking great, why do you ask?

Alas, though, it really isn’t as horrible as it sounds.  I’m doing fairly well.  I aced the final last night, though I’m certain I won’t be as lucky tomorrow night.  I know my grandfather is no longer in pain, and he had to have been in SIGNIFICANT pain with renal and congestive heart failure.  We don’t have a diagnosis on the cancer at this point, and it possibly isn’t anything.  I have a great job and two amazing kids to spend time with and I really do love that I have so much help from their grandmother– who is an amazing woman.

I have a job I love, and I am doing wonderfully at it.  I am one of the members of a service excellence team. This is not only an honor, but it’s an excellent way to network, an excellent piece to put on my resume, a great way to meet new and communicative friends (my team is the communications team), and I’m setting myself for some more excellent letters of recommendation to get me into the MD/PhD program.

As much as it sucks to be going through all of this hardship without my best friend, I am confident that I will make it through.  I’ve always been a very independent woman and I’ve always really done well with challenges.  This whole stress-filled time is something I’m looking at as through the eyes of someone who knows that not only will this life cycle back to being wonderful– but that I will also have some contrast to compare it with.  And wow, how much more beautiful the wonderful will be.

And additionally, I’m still a non-smoker.  I figure that if I can quit now while it’s raging out of control, the good times, again, will be that much more extraordinary.

And I’m a BIG fan of extraordinary.

I was tagged by Rampantheart to write a blog that lists 5 types of people I hate…

For many of you who know me, you won’t be surprised that initially I had no interest in responding, as hate is one of those emotions better left to the unaware angry folk.

My whole theory in life is to focus my energy on things I *want* rather than on the things I don’t want (hate/dislike/am annoyed by).

That said, I am going to take artistic authority and change the rules.  I can do that.  This is my blog and I MAKE the rules.  *wink*

So, here are 5 things I LOOOOVE:

• Spring time rain… this is the greenest time of year, and I love drizzling, damp days.  *giddy*
•  Oatmeal and brown sugar for breakfast!
• My job.  Really, I love where I work and what I do.
• Teachers who have faith in me.
• The smell of old books. Almost as much as I love the smell of bleach!

And here are 5 types of people I love:

• Listeners.  People who are actually paying attention, expressing care and consideration when they respond appropriately.  There are very few people who are excellent listeners, but I have surrounded myself with the best ones: Amber H, Amber L, Elizabeth, Brandy, Landon,  Janna, Jay, Lori, and Heather May.
• The Motivated.  It’s much easier for me to speak of my Big Dreams when I hear them talk about theirs.  It doesn’t matter how huge, how time/energy-consuming it is, if you have big goals, I respect you.  And not just having the goals, but actually moving towards them.  I love that!
• Hippies.  If you’re into love, peace, recycling, getting along, openness, long skirts, not brushing your hair, special brownies and acoustic music with drums, I think you’re pretty rad.
• The Aware.  Whoa.  I just had deja vu.  I wonder what that means.  Perhaps I am tuned in with someone else who was thinking the same thing at the same time.  I love those people who are on the same connection as I am.
• Artists.  My respect never ends for those who are able to Create… whether they are wordsmiths, painters, candle-makers, clay-throwers, experience creators, manifestors, graphic artists, poets, arts n crafters, film-writers, or garden growers, I’m a fan.

5 things I hope to accomplish this summer:

• Getting through the next six weeks with no major meltdowns.
• Building a fence and then Planting my garden.
• Teach Tyler to read & ride a bicycle.
• Write some killer research papers.
• Come up with a research plan.

It’s good to take some time to come back to terms with myself.  Good to examine and evaluate.  To focus on me.
My relationship with myself is possibly the most important relationship I have.   And sometimes the easiest to let slip away.

I am so very thankful for the opportunity to learn and experience emotion.

Without the pain and fears, I cannot truly appreciate my highs.

There are so many core relationships I’ve had that have touched me so deeply.  And with every turn and every inch forward I move, I take those along with me.  Whether those lessons are accompanied with the person in real life, or only within memory, I retain them.

After all, it is not the person that I am clinging onto, it is the memory of what I experienced that continues.

I feel so disenchanted today.

In some strange way, I recognize that the turn of the emotional pendulum is terribly healthy, and it’s pertinent to experience the dramatic lows of life in order to truly appreciate the highs. It is the contrast that often defines within us what we want. And in knowing the difference, we are able to focus on what we want from our experience instead of bumbling about knowing neither what we want nor what leads us into the pits of pity.

That disclaimer aside, I am disenchanted. I feel like one who is finally beginning to realize that maybe people aren’t generally good. Perhaps it’s possible that our justice system isn’t just. This all falls under the “Life isn’t Fair” category, and frankly it fucking sucks.

One characteristic I’ve always loved about myself was my hope and faith. It saddens me to believe that perhaps the naive little girl within me is becoming jaded. I look around at what we’ve done and struggle to NOT feel despair. To not feel angst over the lavish little hell we’ve fashioned to go along our obsession over the meaningless, the wasteful, the harmful. We’ve lost the sense of right or wrong– not because anything truly was ever wrong but because we’ve placed judgment, a value perception of high priority vs. non-priority on things that lead us into ethical battles… arguments that can not be won by either side.

And in doing so, we’ve disregarded common sense. It should be common sense that resolves litigations. It should be common sense that guides our decisions when we’re trying to consider what sort of scientific advancements we’ll focus on next. Common sense should tell us that it is not right to trash this planet in the name of money. Common sense should guide us when we’re feeling overly zealous or entitled in our behaviors… But common sense is a myth any more. It doesn’t exist, and people don’t use it to help them consider repercussions when we make decisions. We’ve become gluttonous and greedy. It’s very sad, really.

In mourning for the death of my naivety, I wish to remember its charm for what it was when I had it.

I was blissful. So happy. So in love with everything.

I’m not saying I won’t feel these things again, but something in me HAS changed. My eyes are opened, and much in the way Eve’s were after her first juicy bite of freedom… but I still cling to the hopes that one day the world will seem generally good again.

I know I’ve got to focus on what I want. Happiness is truly an attitude. I GET that.

Hopelessness falls into the very next vein. I am struggling with it… almost begging someone to remind me differently.