This was an almost perfect weekend!

The weather was absolutely gorgeous, and I got my first sunburn of the season.  I was able to wear a tank top and short skirt. I played in the dirt, planted my garden, handled yard work that so desperately needed my attention. My lower back is sore and my body is utterly exhausted.  I’m getting thinner– and that’s nothing to complain about!!  My arms are starting to show some definition that I noticed this morning…

I love gardening.  I love yard work.  I love being in the sun…

It was glorious, almost perfect.

The part that makes it not perfect was that I did this all alone.  My guy is gone.  None of my friends could make it over.

Everyone’s got their own lives going on…

I suppose this is where I put more energy into making friends with people who can come over– who have similar lifestyles to mine… who enjoy playing in the dirt, being in the sun and… you know, are more like me.

Yesh.

As much as my bittersweet ambiguity has bothered me, I feel blessed to know I have the OPTION and the ABILITY to feel ambiguous.

It is in the pits of extreme emotion that one finds passion.

And to be given back the gift of passion, I begin to feel alive again.

Raaaaaarr!

How are you holding up, Ash?

Well… Aside from everything being completely fucked up– and seemingly a new fucked up thing happens every day– I’m doing just fine, thank you.

I’m cranky.  I imagine this is a fairly normal reaction.  I’m not breaking down, and I’m not debilitated.

My boyfriend is gone for an extended period of time, I have the responsibility of children, dogs, and a house.  I have the help of his mom, but there’s added stress because it’s like feeling out a new roommate… I have school that I’m trying to finish, and my grandfather passed away, and now it sounds like there’s a chance another family member may have breast cancer.  I’m fucking great, why do you ask?

Alas, though, it really isn’t as horrible as it sounds.  I’m doing fairly well.  I aced the final last night, though I’m certain I won’t be as lucky tomorrow night.  I know my grandfather is no longer in pain, and he had to have been in SIGNIFICANT pain with renal and congestive heart failure.  We don’t have a diagnosis on the cancer at this point, and it possibly isn’t anything.  I have a great job and two amazing kids to spend time with and I really do love that I have so much help from their grandmother– who is an amazing woman.

I have a job I love, and I am doing wonderfully at it.  I am one of the members of a service excellence team. This is not only an honor, but it’s an excellent way to network, an excellent piece to put on my resume, a great way to meet new and communicative friends (my team is the communications team), and I’m setting myself for some more excellent letters of recommendation to get me into the MD/PhD program.

As much as it sucks to be going through all of this hardship without my best friend, I am confident that I will make it through.  I’ve always been a very independent woman and I’ve always really done well with challenges.  This whole stress-filled time is something I’m looking at as through the eyes of someone who knows that not only will this life cycle back to being wonderful– but that I will also have some contrast to compare it with.  And wow, how much more beautiful the wonderful will be.

And additionally, I’m still a non-smoker.  I figure that if I can quit now while it’s raging out of control, the good times, again, will be that much more extraordinary.

And I’m a BIG fan of extraordinary.

I was tagged by Rampantheart to write a blog that lists 5 types of people I hate…

For many of you who know me, you won’t be surprised that initially I had no interest in responding, as hate is one of those emotions better left to the unaware angry folk.

My whole theory in life is to focus my energy on things I *want* rather than on the things I don’t want (hate/dislike/am annoyed by).

That said, I am going to take artistic authority and change the rules.  I can do that.  This is my blog and I MAKE the rules.  *wink*

So, here are 5 things I LOOOOVE:

• Spring time rain… this is the greenest time of year, and I love drizzling, damp days.  *giddy*
•  Oatmeal and brown sugar for breakfast!
• My job.  Really, I love where I work and what I do.
• Teachers who have faith in me.
• The smell of old books. Almost as much as I love the smell of bleach!

And here are 5 types of people I love:

• Listeners.  People who are actually paying attention, expressing care and consideration when they respond appropriately.  There are very few people who are excellent listeners, but I have surrounded myself with the best ones: Amber H, Amber L, Elizabeth, Brandy, Landon,  Janna, Jay, Lori, and Heather May.
• The Motivated.  It’s much easier for me to speak of my Big Dreams when I hear them talk about theirs.  It doesn’t matter how huge, how time/energy-consuming it is, if you have big goals, I respect you.  And not just having the goals, but actually moving towards them.  I love that!
• Hippies.  If you’re into love, peace, recycling, getting along, openness, long skirts, not brushing your hair, special brownies and acoustic music with drums, I think you’re pretty rad.
• The Aware.  Whoa.  I just had deja vu.  I wonder what that means.  Perhaps I am tuned in with someone else who was thinking the same thing at the same time.  I love those people who are on the same connection as I am.
• Artists.  My respect never ends for those who are able to Create… whether they are wordsmiths, painters, candle-makers, clay-throwers, experience creators, manifestors, graphic artists, poets, arts n crafters, film-writers, or garden growers, I’m a fan.

5 things I hope to accomplish this summer:

• Getting through the next six weeks with no major meltdowns.
• Building a fence and then Planting my garden.
• Teach Tyler to read & ride a bicycle.
• Write some killer research papers.
• Come up with a research plan.

It’s good to take some time to come back to terms with myself.  Good to examine and evaluate.  To focus on me.
My relationship with myself is possibly the most important relationship I have.   And sometimes the easiest to let slip away.

I am so very thankful for the opportunity to learn and experience emotion.

Without the pain and fears, I cannot truly appreciate my highs.

There are so many core relationships I’ve had that have touched me so deeply.  And with every turn and every inch forward I move, I take those along with me.  Whether those lessons are accompanied with the person in real life, or only within memory, I retain them.

After all, it is not the person that I am clinging onto, it is the memory of what I experienced that continues.

I feel so disenchanted today.

In some strange way, I recognize that the turn of the emotional pendulum is terribly healthy, and it’s pertinent to experience the dramatic lows of life in order to truly appreciate the highs. It is the contrast that often defines within us what we want. And in knowing the difference, we are able to focus on what we want from our experience instead of bumbling about knowing neither what we want nor what leads us into the pits of pity.

That disclaimer aside, I am disenchanted. I feel like one who is finally beginning to realize that maybe people aren’t generally good. Perhaps it’s possible that our justice system isn’t just. This all falls under the “Life isn’t Fair” category, and frankly it fucking sucks.

One characteristic I’ve always loved about myself was my hope and faith. It saddens me to believe that perhaps the naive little girl within me is becoming jaded. I look around at what we’ve done and struggle to NOT feel despair. To not feel angst over the lavish little hell we’ve fashioned to go along our obsession over the meaningless, the wasteful, the harmful. We’ve lost the sense of right or wrong– not because anything truly was ever wrong but because we’ve placed judgment, a value perception of high priority vs. non-priority on things that lead us into ethical battles… arguments that can not be won by either side.

And in doing so, we’ve disregarded common sense. It should be common sense that resolves litigations. It should be common sense that guides our decisions when we’re trying to consider what sort of scientific advancements we’ll focus on next. Common sense should tell us that it is not right to trash this planet in the name of money. Common sense should guide us when we’re feeling overly zealous or entitled in our behaviors… But common sense is a myth any more. It doesn’t exist, and people don’t use it to help them consider repercussions when we make decisions. We’ve become gluttonous and greedy. It’s very sad, really.

In mourning for the death of my naivety, I wish to remember its charm for what it was when I had it.

I was blissful. So happy. So in love with everything.

I’m not saying I won’t feel these things again, but something in me HAS changed. My eyes are opened, and much in the way Eve’s were after her first juicy bite of freedom… but I still cling to the hopes that one day the world will seem generally good again.

I know I’ve got to focus on what I want. Happiness is truly an attitude. I GET that.

Hopelessness falls into the very next vein. I am struggling with it… almost begging someone to remind me differently.

“This life is both beautiful and tragic.”  - Janna

It IS.  And somehow, in some way, I believe we chose this experience, knowing ultimately that we would experience the highs and lows– the joys and tears, and in one path or another, and we decided we would do this… for the experience.

I don’t know that we were ever angels sitting up somewhere in heaven, picking the exact life we would have… but I do think we collectively knew that it would be like this, at least in the sense of recognizing our emotional ties to the things that pull on them.

There is so much to experience.  The beauty of life, the tragedy of death… the coming to terms of the necessity of both…  the balance that is pertinent for generations to continue having the opportunity to experience these things.

As a collective whole, humanity has come to a turning point… to an unrecognizable fork in the road where we can no longer continue on the beaten path as we always have.  We are waking up and realizing that we have ethical obligations– responsibilities to ourselves and our experience and to our future generations who may also want to experience this.  We are learning from our mistakes and our past lifetimes– we are recognizing our life lessons and coming to terms with our mortality.  We are realizing that this lifetime isn’t always so much about US and our short lifespan here (each time) and more about the WHOLE collaborative experience that all spirits may potentially embrace.

And what if there ARE no potential spirits?  What if this all is a fluke?  An accident of nature, and after this there is nothing?

It doesn’t matter.

We are facing major ethical dilemmas as we continue to evolve.  We become more scientifically advanced and have begun breaking the natural chain of events that life on earth for eternity has needed in order to perpetuate.  In understanding the physical properties of nature, our sciences have prevented death and simultaneously cause death.  Death, the omnipotent, inescapable, undeniable god whom we all fear and likely respect.

Is it all hopeless?  Is it a lost cause, a pariayan ideal that our humanity was supposed to last forever?

I don’t think so.  We have to make the best of what we’ve got.  We’ve got to take the hand we’ve been dealt and play it, even if we feel like there are no other options than to fold.

This life is both beautiful and tragic.  And somehow, we’ve chosen to experience the heights of beauty knowing full well that the depths of tragedy are not negotiable.

When life gives you dirt, plant a garden.

I’m doing my best right now to keep a smiling face… it’s so difficult… but I know I can do it.

Just keep moving forward, one step after another, and all challenges will eventually be dealt with– all challenges eventually lead me one step closer to knowing myself more purely.

Timing sucks, but life doesn’t stop for anything.  That’s the cycle.  Every day, the sun rises and then sets.  It’s a theme I’m seeing here.  I have this gift of today, and can make it something spectacular or I can dread it.  I may not be able to pick the circumstances, but I absolutely have within my control what my attitude is towards it!

Dun dun DUUUUN.

Amazing conclusions, I can’t believe it took me so damn long to come to this!!!!

Okay, so do you remember how I have said that I feel like my relationships have impermanence? How then, suddenly I lost so many of my friends?

Guilty! I totally recognize that I created this. Here’s how:

What I believe is what I get. If I believe that no relationship is permanent, I end up not fighting for the friendship when troubles arise. To me, as an Impermanent Relationship Maker, it’s pointless in trying to fight the fight for a friendship that, in my mind, will eventually be lost anyway. So I don’t put up a fight, I walk away.

Now, this is not to say that I could have saved every one of my friendships by doing some addressing, but at least then I wouldn’t have felt so abandoned. Really, what I was experiencing was my OWN abandonment of the relationships. Aha!

Amazing.

Lesson learned.

My new way of addressing friendships is this: Permanent, long lasting, lifetime friendships. Not all of my new relationships will necessarily fall into that category, but since I will be seeking with an attitude that attracts those kinds of friendships, I anticipate having that many more of them.

Sometimes it’s hard to see the logic in a situation when you’re emotionally involved.

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