It takes courage and maturity to recognize when something isn’t right for you.

Change is frightening, and sometimes we take comfort in just keeping the status quo.  However, as much as it’s frightening, stagnation can require much more energy from you than putting forth the effort to not only DECIDE what you want, but then to ACT and GET what you want.

Much of this life is a game, and the future is often unknown.  It’s unpredictable, and it can be awkward.  However, there are no rules to the game.  Ahem, let me rephrase that.  There are optional rules, imposed by our civilization, and should we choose to step outside of its boundaries, there are consequences, though we are perfectly able to choose to step outside of the boundaries, should we find the benefit to outweigh the possible repercussions.

Now, this is the simple overview.  Let’s make it a little messy by throwing in emotion.

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It’s completely pointless to wonder if you’ve chosen well.   Pointless to query whether the decisions you’ve made were an accurate reflection of the things you wish to represent you.   The facts of the matter are that there are NO right or wrong decisions, and that everything we do is an opportunity to experience this life– in the highs and lows, in the hopes and dreams and everything that is magnificently interwoven within the short time we have here on this planet.

I’m so fucking exhausted.  Emotionally, mentally, philosophically, spiritually, physically.

These are my choices, though.  This is the path I’ve ventured down and I’ve no desire to move backwards, by any means.  You don’t turn around every time the terrain gets rough.  You either find a way across the terrain or you find a new path.

I’ve no interest in finding a new path.

I just have to get past this sketchy spot– this gap in the road where I must fearlessly dangle or else fall down.  I am Rockstar.  I don’t fall down.  I may gracelessly fling myself at the other side, but I most certainly DO NOT FALL DOWN.

There are so many lessons I’ve gathered.  So much time now to sit down and reflect on them.  Analyze them, take from them my understanding of how my actions created the domino effect that led me to where I’m at right this minute.

To be perfectly clear… I feel this way every year during this time in the semester.

I feel drained.  I’ve seen this pattern in myself.  This is the time of year that I start going to the doctor asking, “WHY am I so exhausted?”

Well, let’s see here, Ash.  What could you possibly be doing that makes you exhausted???

*thinking*

The definition of insanity is to continue repeating the same behaviors– yet expecting something new to happen.

Is there truly something I could do differently that would make me less exhausted yet still maintain my Rock Stardom?

Ideally, I would like to have less on my plate.  I’m ready to settle down.  To lessen the force I put upon myself.  To not aggravate the stress fractures within my stable Rock Starness.

Apparently, though, I enjoy pushing myself to the brink of breakdown.  I want to see Just How Far I Can Go.

Fuck that.  It’s insane and…

Well, it’s me.

I’m totally an overachiever.  I guess I just get bored and have to take it to the next level.  Every damn semester.

So, either I LIKE feeling this way, or I’m crazy.  One of the two.  Either I’m doing it because I’m addicted to feeling exhausted, or I am the definition of insanity.

Great.

Put that in your pop can and smoke it.

Um… Did you know there are seven types of plastic? Some are easy to recycle, others are not.

You may want to consider this as you encounter plastics on your day to day life.

You all may recall my reasoning for ditching my Nalgene (RIP my formerly beloved security blanket)…

Well, here’s something interesting to know. Not only can I NOT use my Nalgene because the BPA in it makes my PMS out of control, but plastics like that are extremely difficult to recycle. Hmm. Gives a whole new perspective to Tupperware, no? What other craziness are we getting from our foods?
Also, I recently learned that there is a collection of plastics in our ocean– caught there in a vortex caused by current streams in the Pacific ocean. You’ll be amazed to know that this collection is the size of Texas! Greeeeaaat. So the marine life, attracted to the colors of our plastic waste that blows in the air from land to sea, consume the plastic. If we’re just now learning about the dangers of BPA on humans… what about the dangers of the fish, birds, and other sea life consuming all this plastic? It’s pretty unthinkable.

In celebration of Earth Day, you might’ve heard that Whole Foods has stopped handing out plastic bags with groceries… and you may know that many grocery stores are talking about charging for plastic bags… well some good news is that we don’t NEED more plastic bags… and that you can take your plastic bags back to King Soopers, and put them in the recycling container at the front of the store. If you local grocery store doesn’t already have a plastic bag recycling stop, the way they’ll get one is for you to start asking about it!!!

We can prevent more plastic waste from blowing around the earth– and being consumed by the wildlife that doesn’t know any better about our wasteful death traps, by being the tiniest bit proactive. Hey, even a little change is better than none, right?

My mind has been consumed by Beauty.

I have been seeking it in all things.  Sometimes stuff surprises me, other times I turn away in disappointment.

Women are innately beautiful creatures.  We have supple skin and curves all over the place.  We can be graceful, silly, and completely neurotic.  It’s a damn shame that so many of us are so afraid of what we are– so afraid of being taken the wrong way, accused of being un-lady like… or worse, accused of being ugly!

It’s a shame to see a beautiful woman who does not carry herself as such.

Do not be confused.  I am not speaking of wearing Maybelline and a push up bra.

I’m talking about beautiful, curvaceous, gorgeous-smiled women who walk with a slouch… who feel the need to post themselves in only the best light or the fairest outfit. Who are afraid of the perception that *gasp* they are humanly beautiful without makeup, without acrylic nails, without high heels and lip gloss and fake tans and strongly scented vanilla deodorant…

I find it hard to accept… especially since I’ve spent so much time working on my own acceptance of myself… my own confidence in that I’m perfectly wonderful AS I AM… and that with or without playing dress up, I am still me, and I am seen as me, by me…

It strikes me funny when I catch myself in the mirror.  I really am a beautiful woman.  I forget sometimes.   Perhaps we all do.

So, which is sexier:

A curvy woman who KNOWS she’s sexy and acts/talks/walks/etc like she’s sexy,

or a woman with a perfect body who is insecure about it and somewhat awkward?

I feel almost as though I have been keeping something from you.

So much has changed about me– about my writing since I moved my work from Myspace to my “own professional blog.” I have been in somewhat of a hibernation while I’ve been trying to figure out my new roles, and much of it has translated into a loss of passion for my writing. Not that it was ever Gone, really, but that I have been withholding, for one reason or another. I used to use my writing as a form of therapy– a form of pouring my heart out to you… and it has become something different. Something that was less biting, less intimate… and for that, I am truly sorry.

I became cautious… and aware of the infinite capacity I have to rule the writing world of internet… my reader base changed… and I was afraid of saying things that could be hurtful to past friendships that I believed at the time were salvageable. Who I am as a person has changed and grown… and much of this time has been spent trying to figure that all out.

I was thinking, though. And I was doing a whole lot of soul searching… purging the secrets from my past, creating new secrets to share with you all.

Please don’t be mad… I had good reasons to keep myself from you. I had good reasons, and while they were good for the time, I believe I’ve worked all those reasons out.

So it begins.

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Oh.  I just realized something intrinsic about myself.

It hit me as I was walking back from the printer/fax machine.

I listen to other people’s feelings so I don’t have to deal with my own.

Fascinating.

I’ve learned that the RIGHT decisions aren’t always the easiest to make, and they certainly don’t always have consequences that fall in line with what I have planned.  Sometimes the RIGHT choices are the ones that are for myself, and my own interests, even if they are not what the people closest to me would have chosen.  Sometimes the RIGHT thing to do for my own well being isn’t the right thing for anyone else, and that doesn’t make the RIGHT thing any less viable as an option (or any less RIGHT for me).

This experience is utterly about learning from our environment.  It’s about learning how to make good decisions, and knowing that what you choose not only has consequences, but requires you to think through the consequences prior to acting– and more importantly offers you the opportunity to make adjustments to your plans if an unexpected consequence arises.  It encourages you to own all of the consequences– good and bad– because you know that the decisions you’ve made are the ones you are responsible for, and therefore can appreciate whatever comes from them because they’re YOUR decisions.  It’s about knowing that there ultimately are many RIGHT decisions you can make for yourself and essentially eliminates and WRONG decisions from occurring even as possibilities, because when you’re making good decisions for yourself, the WRONG decision would never happen.

It’s much like when a friend comes to me for advice.  My favorite advice I love to give is, “I know you will make the right decision when the time comes for it, and I trust your decision making abilities.”  I know, that’s  not very specific advice, but what it comes down to is that I trust my own ability to make good decisions with regards to the people I surround myself with, and I trust their ability to consider their choices and own up to and learn from the consequences of any decision they make.

There is no sin, only experiences you refuse to learn from.

This last year was about changing the behaviors that weren’t working for me.  I could name a thousand different things I learned, and I do feel confident that when I acknowledged a behavior that wasn’t working, I sought out a new behavior to replace it.  I knew that even if it was the wrong new behavior, it wasn’t the old behavior, and therefore it would serve its purpose because at least then I would know.

It’s become significantly easier to address “mistakes” as such… to know that there really are NO mistakes, only opportunities.  This change of perspective has led me to making more bold decisions– and with great risk often comes exceedingly great reward.

So, I’ve identified behaviors that aren’t working, and I have worked hard to replace them.  I have been nearly fearless when it came to the replacement behavior because I knew that whatever I chose to replace it with was going to be fine.  I wouldn’t make a bad decision, because ultimately the things that were outside of my nature wouldn’t happen– and so I never even considered them.  The things that were possibilities within my nature, I embraced.   With great risk comes great reward.

This is the truth in all experience.

I’ve been thinking. This is usually greeted with a collective sigh of, “Uh oh.”

I’ve also been reading, which means I’ve been learning. Pondering, if you will. Soaking up the thoughts of other people and incorporating them into my belief system or discarding them as the wrong piece of the puzzle for the picture I’m creating.

That, I suppose, is my disclaimer.

However, much of what I’ve recently been reminded of rings completely true to my soul. And for that fact, I am compelled to share it with you

The last six months has consisted of a set of recurring, cooperative themes. The most important has been of self divinity, self worth, and self love. In the last few years I have discovered, in this order: that I was lovable, that I was capable of experiencing love, that I was worthy of being wholly loved, that I *was* and *am* wholly loved, that there is perfection in me– even though I can and do make drastic mistakes, that I am of this earth, and part of its powerful creation, that I can see clearly the paths I take and am participating in the creation of this perceived world in a subjective and dramatic way.

(more…)

I’ve been in a sort of hibernation this week… Recovering from being sick.  This weekend has had me in bed by 8:30-9:00 every evening so far.  I suppose I’ve needed the rest.  It’s good, because I’m feeling better, and my skin is looking more clear.  Yay for that.  Sometimes I forget to get enough sleep… but it’s one of those important things that I need in order to function at my best.   I get caught up in being so busy that I’m at a constant “Full Speed Ahead” gear… and I forget that I need to take care of my body… I need to get enough water, enough of the right foods (and limit the wrong foods); I need to limit my toxins and take my vitamins… I need to sleep enough in order to accomplish what I want without being sleepy and so that I can think clearly.  It’s all a balance– between five thousand different aspects of health.

It’s not only physical– though your physical wellness is a huge part of health.  It’s also about expressing and experiencing emotions in a healthy way… getting enough social time, enough alone time, and making time for the things that are important to me.  It’s about being kind to myself and eliminating the negative self talk that I hear playing in my mind from time to time.  It’s about having enough faith in myself to know that I can and will accomplish anything I set out to do.  If that means working full time in a job that requires my full attention, my time management, giving emotional validation to parents who are going through the experience of having a sick child who needs a brain surgeon… then riding the bus on Colfax with a number of… crazy people…. arriving at school and taking challenging Chemistry courses, coming home to a family of two kids and two dogs and a wonderful man– and then taking on the role of Parent until bed time… well, that’s exactly what I am going to do.  I do it all, and I do it well.  But I can’t accomplish this without taking care of myself.

I think that many of us who have the Overachiever Syndrome tend to forget that one very important part of our responsibility.  We think we can accomplish it all and then sleep when we’re dead.  I appreciate the sentiment, but really, we can’t consistently behave like Super (wo)man without taking our health seriously.  Otherwise, it’s just spurts of superhuman performance in between being sick physically, emotionally, or mentally. Exhaustion isn’t very enticing.

Anyway, this is just as much for myself as it is for you.  I forget these things sometimes.  It’s always nice to have a little reminder.  Love yourself in body, mind and spirit.  Self love is imperative when you’re trying to be a rock star.

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