Into The Rabbit Hole

Isn’t it odd that you can feel bad, express that you feel bad, and then you feel better?

Maybe that’s just a woman thing, but I’m working on communicating my feelings.  I’m working on being honest with myself and with others.  I know when it’s appropriate to bite my tongue, and now I’m working on not biting when it’s appropriate for me to express myself.

As much as one would think you should, at 28 years old, know how to communicate humbly and yet confidently, I am still learning.  Thankfully, we never stop learning.  It feels good to know that I’m maturing emotionally as well as physically, mentally, and spiritually.

So many years I spent trying to know my own worth– trying to find my value in other people. It wasn’t until *I* appreciated just how special I am that I found someone who could love me as much as I deserved. He sees the diamond within me, and won’t let go for anything. That is why I love him. He sees in me the things I’ve hoped to express to so many for so long.

And I for him. I see the diamond within him, and it unearths within me a primal knowing, a spiritual lifetime knowing, and I see the diamond in him.

I snuck my laptop into my bedroom.  I know this isn’t really very conducive for sleeping but I thought that maybe I’d be inspired to write more from the comfort and intimacy of my bed.  So, here I am… broadcasting from bed.

I can do this now, seeing as my guy’s away and I’m here on this holiday weekend all by my lonesome.

That sounds terribly pitiful, though I’m not sure that was necessarily what I was going for.  It’s just that, well, this is the beginning of my summer time.  I’m not quite done with school but am well on my way.  I made significant headway today.  I wrote up the experimental part of my paper and messed around with ChemDraw, a program that allows me to draw cool and crazy mechanistic pictures of the chemicals I made up.  I’m stuck on one tiny little part… inadvertently I used nitrate in my experiment, where I should’ve used nitrite, and while nitrate presumably wouldn’t have actually DONE anything, it did, and we’re not entirely sure WHAT I made, only that I made something new.  And that was awfully exciting, at least to my lab teacher.  And if she’s excited, well, hell, *I’m* excited.  And that is wonderful and stuff, but I’m still stuck because I don’t know how to write this paper if I don’t know what compound I created…

You all know where I’m at with my behavioral neuroscience paper… I suppose I’m not really ready to say I’m about to write that one, either.  I’m just… well, sort of waiting to hear something from my teacher there, too.  I am stuck between two places there:  On one side, I know that he has a purposeful task he’s researching, and on the other side, I wonder if perhaps he’s looking in the wrong direction for an overall solution to a picture that is much more broad than one can pin point down while looking at his research.  *sigh*

I suppose these are two problems that many people would love to have.  Hell, *I* love that I have them.

I’ve been in such a strange place lately.  I’m not depressed, really.  And I’m not overjoyed.  I’m just… I mean, how do I put this?  I’m a little blue, but I’m happy about springtime.  I’m determined to feel good and not be miserable this entire time.  I’m completely overwhelmed most of the time, but apparently that’s what I was going for because I created this experience… I am proud when I accomplish something “masculine” like mowing the lawn… and I’m proud when something I cook for myself turns out to be edible… so I suppose my self-efficacy is gradually picking up momentum.  So I’m glad that I can handle this stuff and all… especially when all of the challenging things seem to have rained down upon me all at once… I’m glad and happy and hell bent on surviving this well.  At the same time, I think maybe I’m a little bonkers.  I think I’m becoming more comfortable with that.  And it seems to be suiting me rather well.  Which is interesting, because all this time I was going for the Uber Sane role, yunno?  I was always trying to present myself as rational and reasonable, and as it turns out, I’m completely neurotic…

Of course, admitting it to myself seems to be doing me well.  It’s sort of like affirming that I love my beautiful body, only instead of losing weight, admitting that I’m a little crackers has sort of mellowed me out some.  It’s made me more allowing to myself.  That was possibly one of my biggest flaws– I totally denied any crazy business and then also forced a perfection seeking behavior to the point where, if I did make a mistake, I was completely knocked off my horse to the point of hurt pride, bruised intentions, and questioning my ability to do whatever it was that I was attempting to do.  Now, though, I make a mistake, and I’m like, “Meh, let’s try it a different way.” And I do, and the second way is a valid path, too…

What I think I’m getting at here is that as much as I’d enjoy being the top dog, I’m much happier being human.  I’m learning to embrace this hat, and I’m getting pretty good at it.  I’m liking who I’m turning out to be as a person, even if sometimes I’m a cry baby, other times a bitch, sometimes overly submissive, and most of the time, too busy to care how I’m coming across.  It’s quite the opposite of what, as a child (last year?), I was going for.   The over-achiever syndrome had its place in my experience, and it certainly got me to where I’m at now; however, as much as it was once useful, I think that it’s doing me some good just to BE, regardless of how I *AM* at the moment.

My mind has been consumed by Beauty.

I have been seeking it in all things.  Sometimes stuff surprises me, other times I turn away in disappointment.

Women are innately beautiful creatures.  We have supple skin and curves all over the place.  We can be graceful, silly, and completely neurotic.  It’s a damn shame that so many of us are so afraid of what we are– so afraid of being taken the wrong way, accused of being un-lady like… or worse, accused of being ugly!

It’s a shame to see a beautiful woman who does not carry herself as such.

Do not be confused.  I am not speaking of wearing Maybelline and a push up bra.

I’m talking about beautiful, curvaceous, gorgeous-smiled women who walk with a slouch… who feel the need to post themselves in only the best light or the fairest outfit. Who are afraid of the perception that *gasp* they are humanly beautiful without makeup, without acrylic nails, without high heels and lip gloss and fake tans and strongly scented vanilla deodorant…

I find it hard to accept… especially since I’ve spent so much time working on my own acceptance of myself… my own confidence in that I’m perfectly wonderful AS I AM… and that with or without playing dress up, I am still me, and I am seen as me, by me…

It strikes me funny when I catch myself in the mirror.  I really am a beautiful woman.  I forget sometimes.   Perhaps we all do.

I’ve learned that the RIGHT decisions aren’t always the easiest to make, and they certainly don’t always have consequences that fall in line with what I have planned.  Sometimes the RIGHT choices are the ones that are for myself, and my own interests, even if they are not what the people closest to me would have chosen.  Sometimes the RIGHT thing to do for my own well being isn’t the right thing for anyone else, and that doesn’t make the RIGHT thing any less viable as an option (or any less RIGHT for me).

This experience is utterly about learning from our environment.  It’s about learning how to make good decisions, and knowing that what you choose not only has consequences, but requires you to think through the consequences prior to acting– and more importantly offers you the opportunity to make adjustments to your plans if an unexpected consequence arises.  It encourages you to own all of the consequences– good and bad– because you know that the decisions you’ve made are the ones you are responsible for, and therefore can appreciate whatever comes from them because they’re YOUR decisions.  It’s about knowing that there ultimately are many RIGHT decisions you can make for yourself and essentially eliminates and WRONG decisions from occurring even as possibilities, because when you’re making good decisions for yourself, the WRONG decision would never happen.

It’s much like when a friend comes to me for advice.  My favorite advice I love to give is, “I know you will make the right decision when the time comes for it, and I trust your decision making abilities.”  I know, that’s  not very specific advice, but what it comes down to is that I trust my own ability to make good decisions with regards to the people I surround myself with, and I trust their ability to consider their choices and own up to and learn from the consequences of any decision they make.

There is no sin, only experiences you refuse to learn from.

This last year was about changing the behaviors that weren’t working for me.  I could name a thousand different things I learned, and I do feel confident that when I acknowledged a behavior that wasn’t working, I sought out a new behavior to replace it.  I knew that even if it was the wrong new behavior, it wasn’t the old behavior, and therefore it would serve its purpose because at least then I would know.

It’s become significantly easier to address “mistakes” as such… to know that there really are NO mistakes, only opportunities.  This change of perspective has led me to making more bold decisions– and with great risk often comes exceedingly great reward.

So, I’ve identified behaviors that aren’t working, and I have worked hard to replace them.  I have been nearly fearless when it came to the replacement behavior because I knew that whatever I chose to replace it with was going to be fine.  I wouldn’t make a bad decision, because ultimately the things that were outside of my nature wouldn’t happen– and so I never even considered them.  The things that were possibilities within my nature, I embraced.   With great risk comes great reward.

This is the truth in all experience.

So… I elicited a “wow” from a gentleman (well, who knows how gentle- he was) at the gas station yesterday.  It was pretty flattering considering I was make-up-free and my hair was still a little wet from the shower.  I must have appeared angelic to him (you know, I’m just so angel-like when I’m without my make-up.) Yay for eliciting “wow’s!”

I seem to forget about me when I’m not “on the market.”  Interesting phenomenon.  I think there are a lot of people who do this.  When you’re not on the market, you’re off the radar.  Perhaps it’s pheromones.  I don’t know.  But it seems to me that somehow suddenly men are Aware of Me.  Maybe it’s just that I’m aware of them.  I doubt it, I’m a pretty aware chick most of the time.  Read the rest of this entry »

Grow old and gray with me?

For most of my experience I had thought I was unworthy.  For much of it I thought I needed to be a certain way so I could be “loved.”

As it turns out, all I needed to learn was that I *AM* love.  I am filled with it.  I am surrounded, immersed, overflowing with its purest form.

You are a sea of endless infinity.  I am the sailor.

I’ve spent my entire life trying to be perfect. 
Why would a person strive for such an impossible goal?
Simply put, I’ve believed (subconsciously, erroneously?) that with perfection comes acceptance.

In every role in my life, I’ve tried to be perfect.  So that I can be loved.

It’s a pattern. 

There are other patterns, too.  Particularly in my relationships with men: be the Perfect Woman so that I can be loved by a man.  Of course, I’ve consistently set myself up with failure because I’ve always become involved with the Emotionally Unavailable.

No matter how “perfect” I have been able to portray myself, I have never put myself in the right circumstances for the perfection to pay off.  I haven’t realized it until too late, but that’s my pattern.

I recognize this personality flaw in me.  It’s far from perfection.  In trying my best to be perfect, I have been soliciting myself as a woman without confidence, self love, or worthiness of love.  How humbling is that?  Instead of reaching my goals, I have realized just how Imperfect I am.

Rather than being disappointed, I am relieved to come across such a discovery.  The pressure can finally be removed.  I don’t have to be anything other than who I am now.

I am so thankful for this lesson.

Wow.  I’m really emotional today… and of course, that leaves me trying to find a reason behind it, a reason to explain my feelings… there has to be something logical behind them… something that justifies them and makes it okay to be feeling this way. Today, I feel like a sad person in a normal person’s skin. It’s weird.  I’ve been really trying to embrace the good feelings I had this time last year.  I was suddenly alive again, in love… I was on top of my world, and the universe was turning itself around to be precisely what it was that I desired from it.  I desired SO much, and everything just came to be.  Just like that. *snap*

I still have everything. I have everything I could possibly desire, everything that my heart could want.  And at the same time, I wonder if perhaps without feeling exuberant, that maybe I really have nothing.  After all, it’s that feeling that I want, not necessarily the material or circumstantial things that I thought made me feel that way. I feel lonely.  Read the rest of this entry »

I cleaned my room today.

Not spending my entire weekend up in the mountains or away from home gives me a lot more time to do the things I neglect otherwise.  I love having a clean room.

I found a friendship bracelet that I had started knotting over a year ago.  I remember that I started it while I was at Apogaea in the summer of 2006.  Oh, yes, the beginning of so much change for me.  It was a great time!

I was single, and eating it up.  I was surrounded with a group of amazing friends– amazing men.  It was the beginning of so much for me, so much growth and learning.  Who I was then is a completely different woman than who I am now.

That was the time when I was free, when I was bouncing my head to the music, just enjoying the scenery.  Beautiful people in costumes, scantily clad, good music, great food.  A man fell in love with me over that.  Nothing ever came of it, but it is interesting to know that I was able to elicit that sort of reaction from someone. Read the rest of this entry »