Yes.  This is one thing he taught me.
I walked by his side step by step as he worked through his emotions of breaking up with his wife. letting go… divorcing… filing bankruptcy.  It wasn’t so much that I was someone he cared about, really; rather I was a body to hold him at night, to wipe away tears, and to offer up sound advice on how to work through the scariest parts of depression…  I learned a lot though.  I learned about pride in myself… in choosing the right people to surround myself.  I learned that sometimes beauty is only skin deep.  And I learned that “if you won’t love her someone will.”  He used to whisper it as he rocked himself to sleep.   “someone will…”  And if you weren’t that person, very likely she was lost to you forever.    …If you won’t first.   He said it because it was his lesson from life… from the marriage, from the experience.  His lesson was that if he had tried harder, loved more, paid more attention… maybe she wouldn’t have turned away from him.  Maybe.   This man didn’t love me… so I found someone who would.  I still think about him.  But now it’s through the eyes of someone who has known love… who has experienced it from the inside out…  He didn’t have to love me.  Someone will.  I will.  

A light bulb went off today.  Like, smack in the forehead kind of went off.  I love moments like these.  I have to take note so I don’t forget every piece because I’m so excited to share these kinds of things with you. Actually, I’m somewhat apprehensive about sharing them… but at the same time, the whole AHA! moment came at a time when I’ve insisted on being honest with myself… and since I’m my own worst critic, I figure that I have nothing to lose in sharing it with you– people who might just know what the hell I’m talking about. So, here it goes…“In order for a relationship between a couple to be successful, you have to be on the same page.  You have to be able to communicate about what you want from the relationship, and you have to both want the same things.” (more…)

Today I take ownership. Today I own myself.  I own my emotions, my feelings, my hopes, and my goals. Today I take responsibility for caring for my needs in EVERY way.  Financially, spiritually, intellectually, physically, nutritionally, and emotionally. Today my head is held high; I am confident in my ability.  
I am capable of handling any situation presented before me.  I do not push responsibility on anyone else.
I do not dismiss circumstances by saying, “But that’s not my fault.”  Today I say instead, “This is how it is, this is what I will make of it.”  “This is mine, this is my own, this is my choice and my responsibility and my experience.  This is ME.”  I acknowledge my ownership, and I take care of me first.  My awareness of self makes me self-sufficient.  I am strong!  I am able!  And I will accomplish everything I intend to.

I see myself dancing to the music, hips gyrating, arms waving, even if I’m the only one dancing.  Singing along with the radio, my lips parted fully, at the top of my lungs, even if I don’t know the words; smiling at a stranger just because it’s beautiful to watch their lips lift and catch their surprise that someone–anyone–smiled at them; talking to my plants as though they are listening; loving myself even though I know I’m not perfect…I see myself being proud, confident, easy and kind.  I see myself as a doctor, as someone who can help and can heal…I see myself filled with energy, full of life and vigor.  I can see clearly now: Myself as someone easy to love.

For a good portion of my life, I had misunderstood the definition of jealousy.  In my mind, jealousy had been defined with the same understanding as coveting: wanting that which I did not have.  However, a few years ago a dear friend clarified that this feeling was in fact NOT jealousy and was instead coveting, and from then on, I was appalled to realize that I was in fact a jealous person. (Imagine my surprise after years of insisting that *I* was not a jealous woman!)Jealousy is the feeling you have when someone you care about has a good experience without you.  Jealousy is the fear that there might be someone else that your beloved might give attention to.  Jealousy is directly linked with insecurity, although a completely secure person can still experience that pit in the stomach “Am I missing out on something good?” emotion. I used to be extremely jealous with one of my past boyfriends.  I did not want him to laugh with, flirt with, or speak with other women–especially not their ex-girlfriend (who, at one time before his and my relationship was one of my friends!).  (more…)

These curves, they are my own.  You can not take them from me, and I love them because they are part of me.
This is my skin, my hair, my body; this is me, my sweet soft skin, my smooth silky hair, my beautiful body… this is me, this is mine, and it doesn’t matter what anyone thinks about it– besides me. I used to put merit into what others saw in me; I used to be pre-occupied with the things I didn’t like, the things I wanted to hide.
I have nothing to hide, now; I am what I am, and this is mine.  I love it purely.

My pride is broken today.  And for that, I feel a bit resentful.  I suppose this is a good sign– part of the mourning process is to move from devastation and denial to hurt pride and then resentment, right?  I guess…I don’t know what I’m doing.  I don’t know what the right thing is.  I don’t know whom to talk to or what I would say if I could say my mind to them.  Things are good, really, they are.  They’re perfect.  Why do I take on the emotion of hurt pride?  What is that emotion called, even??  I have my self-esteem; though I feel a slight bit the way I did when a past boyfriend told me he wouldn’t sleep with me until I lost twenty pounds.   Similar… like I’m not good enough for the men I want to be with… Similar, like even the guys who profess the actual desire to date me can’t bother to call.I know it’s completely illogical.  I recognize that tomorrow I’ll probably feel differently; but tonight, tonight my pride has a run in it.  Don’t you hate it when that happens?  Welp.  I guess even the best of us can feel like this, eh?  Even the most confident, Got Her Shit Together, Things Going On Chicks have bad timing.  “It’s all about your timing.”  You’re god damn mother fucking right! (YGDMFR!)

Loneliness is the fatal belief that you are not complete as you are, by yourself.I took a long drive today, and it finally hit me. I don’t know who I am as Single Ash.  I have always dated one person or another; and while I have never identified myself as Ash with so and so, I have never just thought, “I am okay without companionship.”I’ve always loved being single because I appreciate the attention I get as Single Ash.  However, that’s a contradiction, because ultimately as Single Ash, I have always really been Single Ash On The Prowl, which means that I was getting attention from men, sometimes several of them, and I had the luck to be able to pick from the best of them whom I spent all of my time with.Single Ash On The Prowl is very, very different from Single Ash.  (more…)

Today I create an extraordinary woman. She is confident, beautiful, intelligent and capable of achieving any dream she sets her mind upon.  She is dedicated, loyal, kind, and compassionate.  She believes in the good in people, and she believes in the good in herself.  She is fun, good-natured, easy going, and people enjoy being around her.  She is calm, hopeful, eager, and in awe with life. She puts 110% effort into everything she does.  She is energetic, filled with love, and laughs out loud every single day.  She chooses healthy options for her beautiful body.  She is filled with spirit and life. Today, I create a woman who can handle every challenge that is presented before her. Today I create me.

I am so purely blessed, it’s unbelievable.My recent encounters with my past remind me that I turned out okay after all!  In spite of (fill in the blank), I am a highly functioning, growing, learning, fabulous woman.   It feels so good to remind myself that life for me isn’t bad at all– in fact, it’s amazing, it’s great, it’s PURRRFECT… And everything I experience along this lifetime only adds to me as a whole.   There is no experience that won’t completely complement me, and as I move along, right or wrong, up or down, happy or sad, I am doing it all exactly as I should… I like who I am after all, even if I cannot predict my behavior, even if I do stupid things sometimes, and even if my emotions aren’t 100% kept in check.How validating.  As it turns out, I’m okay just as I am.  I’m okay when I’m hyper-needy for four days out of every twenty-eight because it reminds me that I’m healthy and fertile.  I’m okay when I love someone, even if they don’t love me back, because I know that I have the capacity to FEEL.  I’m okay when I say things that I shouldn’t have, because I catch myself and learn about how it feels when someone is hurt by me AND because it makes me a more forgiving person when someone says something they shouldn’t have.  I’m okay when I’m cranky, because it reminds me that I have a bed to sleep in. I’m okay, because I’m human, and I learn from my experiences.   I’m utilizing my time in this life wisely, because I’m doing everything within my ability to make sure that I’m learning from my experiences and doing it right the next time the opportunity presents itself.It feels good to know these things about myself.  I feel comfortable in my own skin again.  I’m not self-conscious about my body any more.  I’m not self-conscious about my moods and hormones.  I trust my behavior, and I know I have a good heart.  I am not malicious, and I am not hurtful.  I can be human, even if it means that sometimes I feel sad or hurt or crazy.   And I don’t have to worry about whether or not people like me when I feel this way.   I KNOW that my friends love me.  I KNOW that I am surrounded by people who genuinely love me so much that nothing can change that.To be able to say this gives me a completely blessed feeling.  It’s so good to not be afraid any more.

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