Into The Rabbit Hole

Call me a heretic… but I don’t think that human life trumps all other causes.

I don’t think that we have a “Right to Life.”

I think we’re lucky we ever evolved into what we currently are: thinking, thoughtful, emotional experience creators… and that we should embrace it to the utmost of our opportunity…

But I don’t think we’re Entitled to have/say/do/experience ANYTHING.

This, my disclaimer.

If Myanmar doesn’t want to allow foreign aid, Fuck It.

I know, the people in charge of the country are possibly tyrants. And innocent people are dying for the lack of action on their leadership’s part… But if all their citizens are DEAD, what kind of control might they have?  Um, none.

Now, I’m trying to be empathetic.  And I’m extraordinarily grateful that I was born into a country that allows for me to lead a life of relatively blissful existence…

And if I was born into a country like Myanmar, I would pray that someone would help me…

At the same time, if the leaders are corrupt, then perhaps a shortened life would be the next best thing… yunno, so I could quickly begin the next life, hopefully born into a better situation.

Of course, the only way you would agree with me is to believe that our souls are cyclic in nature… repeating the karmic learning experiences until we are Enlightened…

Hell… I didn’t even believe this up until recently…

Watch me

It’s amazing how I have been able to pick up just the right book for just the right time in this life. I’m currently reading The Great Cosmic Mother, which is a history book on religion and women in religion. It talks about ancient beliefs, ancient worship, ritual, and idolatry. The underlying theme is that history forgets to include the dramatic role women played in religion, and that much of today’s patriarchal religion is to blame. It was an intentional omission– one that would ensure that those who have come to be In Charge remain In Charge. (conspiracy theory part a)

Along with the synchronicity in the things I’m reading and learning about, I’ve found that the simplest “coincidences” have left me astonished. For instance, in my recent reads, I have seen a general repeating theory that time as we understand it has a dramatic change on December 21st, 2012. Some call it the end of time, some call it a great awakening. As of yet, I’m no authority on the subject, but I am going to give you a tiny glimpse of what I’m learning, in layman’s terms. (conspiracy theory part a2/b)

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Throughout history there have been many teachers who believed in a one great consciousness. People have believed that their souls are part of one great spiritual energy. Many have called this energy God.

Christ and Buddha are two of the common teachers who taught this. Throughout the existence of human kind, there has always been a spirituality, a worship, a humbleness, and love.

Many metaphysical teachings state that there is a possibility to connect with the one great mind. This is how people have explained clairvoyance and the great wise teachers. This is an explanation of prophecy.

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I keep discovering new things I know nothing about.

The more I realize that I don’t know, the more I want to know everything there is to know.

Surely it would be impossible to learn all knowledge in one lifetime.  In fact, that’s my greatest hindrance:  there is only so much “time” I have left in this life.  I don’t know the amount of time, but I recognize that there is a limitation.

If my purpose is to learn as much as I can, then perhaps this purpose gives support to the idea that maybe we’re here in one lifetime more than once.  It’s not evidence, but it would make sense.

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Do you ever notice time flying by so quickly– things happening so rapidly– that you hardly have time to catch your breath? I like times like those because I know I’m being active and productive. Still, sometimes I have to just sit down and write in order to compile everything that I think and feel about all that has happened.

Where do I begin?

Jesus.

Okay, let’s start with Jesus. I had a realization this weekend.

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I’m torn between feeling ecstatic and panic. If this is what manic feels like, which I’ve heard it is, then I can’t imagine cycling through this emotion like a pendulum– one moment invincible, the next moment pummeling through the depths of depression like a fiery comet through the pits of hell… well, then, I’ll pass.

This life is so crazy. Insane. Crackers. Cooo-cooo.

Inevitably, amazing things happen. Of course, then, so do worrisome things. I’ve felt a lot of emotion today… a lot of the precursor towards guilt… not quite guilt, but just enough question in my mind that if I really did fuck things up with so many of the people I’ve experienced in my past, then ouch, I must not be as good of a person as I had thought. At the same moment, right as I’m about to succumb to feeling sorry for myself, the faint whisper in my mind hastens me to stop… Why can’t I be just fine as I am, mistakes and all?

Of course I’m not perfect. You all have followed me along this path of realization that one– that I– cannot always be the perfect (fill in the descriptive role here). I’m not an angel, after all. I may try, but alas, I fall significantly short. So if that is true, and right, and perfect, then why should I feel a negative emotion such as guilt for being human?

My passion for people is proving to be another roller coaster ride… highs, lows, and every place in between. I shed tears for my lost friendships… but in the same body, I recognize that I have three options: change my thoughts, release my thoughts into the Universe, or come to resolve. All of which are valid options, none complete without the others, but some more permanent in healing than the rest.

Choose to resolve. To revolve. To evolve. To embrace the life lessons as my own– my learning opportunities perfectly suited for a Work In Progress such as myself.

How I will go about resolving myself from my sins… is a challenge most people would gift a god. Dear Father in Heaven, save me from myself. Forgive me my sins.

What does a child do who has no Father? Does she cry out with self pity? Does she wallow in misery knowing that no imperfect creature such as herself could possibly pursue the expression of bliss?

I can’t go that route. I can’t allow myself to rot that way.

Instead, I will learn to forgive and embrace myself. In all my passions– my pitiful behaviors– my oversights and loose tongues. I allow it to be my experience, and yet strive for perfection.

They say perfection is god’s work.

And in saying yes, I recognize the goddess in me.

Set your goals high.  Higher, even, than you think are possible given your current circumstances.  
Know what you want, and expect it.  
What you expect is what you get.  
Get what you want, always… 

Dreams are the maps to our joy.  Don’t stop believing.  (I know, get the song stuck in your head!)  Follow your heart… realize that you can’t plan HOW you will reach your goal, just know that you will have it.  Sometimes the paths we insist on taking don’t follow our hearts– allow yourself to deviate for the sake of seeing what might happen… there is no rule book, there are no road rules, no guidance other than what truly leads you: your instincts… which ultimately translates into your heart’s desires.

You can have it.  I promise.

I suppose that there is one of two possible causes for humans to have created spirituality in the realm of evolution.   The first possibility is that we need it in order to cope with our own mortality, feeling less anxious about death because we know something “Better” will come after we pass on from our physical bodies.

The second possibility is that we somehow remember– not necessarily cognitively– that there is something more.  Perhaps our cells remember– though organically that wouldn’t make a whole lot of sense because our cells are what die.  The scientist in me struggles to make sense of it all- to understand how a majority of perfectly reasonable (okay that’s relative) people believe in SOMETHING.  It comes back to one of the laws of thermodynamics: Energy cannot be created nor destroyed.  So, in the scheme of all that exists, we are energy.  Every single cell in our body uses something carbon based as a “food” to make energy.  Every carbon based cell we consume once used something else to make energy to grow.  Animals consume other animals and plants. Plants use sunlight to make energy.  The sun expels energy from the dramatic process of nuclear fusion, which is a result of the cataclysmic nature of the creation of our universe– a creation that natural physicists insist followed the law in that the energy was already there– it just changed form somehow…  When we die, our bodies decompose into basic carbon that is reabsorbed into the ground.  Or, the process can be accelerated by cremation– either way, our cells are always carbon based, and eventually those carbons return to the earth to be used as nutrients for more plant life, which again is eventually consumed by another animal– us or otherwise.  I suppose another possibility to allow our cells to remember is that we are all the result of something living.  Every single one of us was created by two cells from two other living beings.  Perhaps that “memory” is passed down to us from the point of conception… I’m doubtful, but somehow there could be a connection.  Read the rest of this entry »

Ye, for I pronounce in the name of all before me,
For every transgression, every sin
For every crime committed ‘gainst myself
‘Gainst you, in thought word and deed,
THIS is my penance,

For every moment I called out in silence,
“It wasn’t arbitrary,”
For every time I thought twice about you,
For every curse I brought upon myself
THIS is my communion

I awake on a bright Sunday morning,
Can smell the sweat on his buoyant skin
Can taste the salt of his body ‘pon my lips
Can hear the sound of his breath
Pulsating in rhythms ‘cross my cheek
THIS is my penance

No number of Hail Marys can commit me
To the solitude I would walk without him
To the silence of his slumber
In a bed far ‘cross my world
No number of promises of afterlife
No heavenly aspiration
Can set me free from my trespasses
As he who lays against me
THIS is my communion

No threat of hell is so great
As the one could have found me
As the crimes I have committed
Have entrenched me between his fingers
And for this I drop to my knees
In pleasurable penance
Body and blood I consume him
I commune

I think that a lot of success has to do with your faith in yourself or your cause. 

Faith is the unconditional confidence that you’re on the right path.  Pure faith like that is difficult to come by, and those religious leaders who dedicate their lives to leading other people in their own faiths have perhaps the most challenging job of all.  People who guide other people’s faiths must undoubtedly realize the magnamity of their responsibility for not misleading or misguiding their people.  Perhaps it is this sort of power that corrupts certain spiritual leaders; it is this sort of control that can lead otherwise good people into the depths of deception and lies.  That’s not what this blog is about, but it is that very pure, blind faith that is exactly what we must rely upon to become successful.

Pure faith in our cause. 

Once, there was a skeezy life insurance salesman, Bill J.  He ran the life insurance agency I once worked for.  His philosophy was to get the individual sales agents pumped up enough to bust their asses for him, selling life insurance to union workers and creating more sales agents who would take over once the previous generation had burned out.  Bill would preach from his silver-lined pulpit, or his beautifully polished cherry wood desk.  He would drive expensive cars, and throw parties at his million dollar home.  He would preach to us that we, too, could have ANYTHING we wanted.  Anything at all was achievable and within our grasp, but we just had to remember one thing: never, ever, ever act out of fear.  The most successful agents were ones who had the most charisma, and who could mimic the expression of pure faith– faith in the need for life insurance, on to the new agents and clients.   The most successful agents were the ones who could instill the fear of death in the clients well enough to suppose they NEED life insurance, dishing out the very things that we were specifically taught that we ought not do.   He was teaching us to be one thing, never acting out of fear, and then to say another, instilling fear within the hearts of the people giving you their money.  That’s what charisma is, ultimately, after all, don’t you think?

Fortunately, there was one thing I took from my experience under the guidance of this man, and that was to not act out of fear.  What is this fear?  And what is the opposite of it?  To not act out of fear is to act out of faith.  It is the faith that you know the right path.  Faith that you will act and it will be okay as it is, and if it’s not, you can figure out what you did wrong and in the future fix it.  I learned that when you do not act out of fear, you have nothing to worry about.  You make more level-headed decisions, and you deny anything the opportunity to throw doubt into your mind regarding you capability of working through the situation reasonably and confidently.

Sometimes I catch myself behaving out of fear.  One of my most common fearful behaviors is settling on the roommates I choose to share my life with.  What a completely inappropriate area to settle!  These are the people I live with for Pete’s sake! Sometimes I make poor decisions when I act out of fear.  Perhaps I’m not the only person who does this??

To be successful, one must have blind faith that what you do is going to be okay, no matter what.  To be confident in your abilities is to take appropriate risks and to not be knocked down from a poor decision that was made out of fear.  To be confident in your steps forward is a beautiful thing.  Have faith in your SELF.  You cannot succeed without this.

I think the whole point I’m getting at here, is that faith is a powerful experience.  You can essentially convince anyone of anything if they have faith that what you’re telling them is true.  If you have faith in yourself, in your own abilities, you can convince yourself of anything.  And when you truly believe that you can have anything you want, you will accomplish it, because there is nothing in your way to prevent you from doing so.