I have never seen myself so clearly. JZ posted several videos from our youth.  In one of them, was me.
The first few times I watched it, I was embarrassed, a little saddened by my inability to dress myself in a fashion that would not leave me red in the face at a later time. Honestly, my first thought was that I looked fat… which really didn’t make much sense to me, because at the time of the video, I wasn’t eating. I have seen pictures of myself as a non-eater. And in other pictures, I look quite the opposite of fat… I look sickly…skinny.

I want to tell you something about me… I’ve been thinking of how I was going to present this to you, and I could never quite find the words to embrace it. Now I understand, clearly.

When I was about twelve years old, I decided that I wanted to disappear.  I wasn’t quite suicidal, but I was definitely feeling very low about myself.  Instead of the more gruesome alternatives, I decided to starve myself.

I figured that the best case scenario was that I would become skinny and beautiful. Instead, I was wasting away.  I didn’t feel beautiful.  I didn’t feel lovely.  I felt like I needed other people– specifically men– to tell me who I was.  I needed validation, definition, molding… from these men that I loved.

I was anorexic.  I didn’t like me.  And I didn’t know who I was. In this video, I was taped kissing my first boyfriend.  He was very special to me.  He was my longest relationship– two and a half years… and for the first two years, we never slept together.  In fact, he lived in New York for a good part of our “relationship.” I was sixteen when I first started seeing him. Maybe seventeen.   He was my world.  Nothing existed outside of him.

I wasn’t eating, so I don’t remember day to day things, like going to classes, finishing high school, or working.  Instead, my days revolved around the five french fries I allowed myself, and his phone calls. He wasn’t a good boyfriend to me.  I gave him my virginity and my loyalty… sadly, he gave me nothing, not even a single memory that I can look back on fondly…

Raine (Landon’s sister) was my first roommate, and I recall the one day she taught me about fat free plain yogurt and honey.   Everything else was just a blur.  An anorexic doesn’t remember much because eventually the body begins to consume its fat… and your body needs fat to store memory.

I remember realizing that I had a problem. There were two key points. First time was when I was about eighteen years old, visiting the Fort Collins kids. I hugged Megan, and I recall her eyes getting big when she pulled away from me.  “Jesus fucking Christ, Ash, you’re wasting away,” she said.  I told her to shove it up her ass, and I believe an argument ensued. I had low self-esteem.  I didn’t want the attention from getting skinny… but at the same time, I did.  I didn’t want anyone to stop me, either…

When I was in eighth grade, the other girls were cruel. They thought they were being kind and loving by ganging up on me, holding me down while they shoved animal crackers into my mouth… Instead, I saw it as yet another one of their competitions… the “man” holding me down.  I hid my not eating much more cleverly after that experience.

The second time I realized that I had a problem with it was when I ran into Terry again, several years after high school.  He mentioned Art class together.  He and I sat together every day for a year.  I didn’t remember a single experience with him our senior year.  I had forgotten one of my best friends. I vowed that I would never forget my friends again.  I knew I had to figure out how to make myself not anorexic anymore.

So I did some research. I realized that the cause of my disorder was the fact that I had wanted to disappear.  I realized that it was my poor self esteem, and my physical craving for control.

I couldn’t define myself as The Anorexic anymore. I needed to change the way I thought and change my behaviors. It took me until I was twenty-four years old before I started eating normally again.  Twenty-four.  That was three years ago.  I needed to go through a number of unhealthy experiences, crazy relationships, and self-defining moments before I could find myself outside of the role as “anorexic.”

I needed to decide who I was and what I wanted. I needed to stop defining myself based upon whatever boyfriend I had at the time. Eventually, I figured it out.  It was a battle, and it has frequently been constant… I have, in my past, had to constantly battle with my natural inclination to starve myself, to berate, degrade, and deteriorate myself… I’ve had to go against everything I had done since seventh grade.  It wasn’t easy.  But I did it.

I made the correlation tonight, though.  I was afraid of imperfection from very early on in my life. I was an extremist.  (If you know me, I’m sure you’ll say, “Who, Ash?”)  I was afraid of not being perfect. Of not being skinny, of not being the perfect girlfriend… the perfect friend.  I wore a scrunchie on my right elbow because I was afraid people would see the mole on my arm.  I would never have admitted it though.

Here’s an interesting correlation:  As soon as I discovered school, and that I was good at it, I lost the need to be anorexic.  I found my place of pride, my Definition. Of course, in that, too, I needed to be perfect.  To be extreme… to go the entire way. My first B was two fall semesters ago.  Statistics for Behavioral Sciences.  I fought for it.  Apparently the teacher didn’t think I would handle my B well, so he threatened to call Security for our meeting to “discuss my grade.”  I never went to our meeting.  Instead, I took the B.  Looking back on it now, that B was my life savior.  I needed that B even though to this day I believe I earned an A in the class.

Neurotic?  Yes.  Healthy?  We’re working on it.   It’s a constant progress, constant experience.  I’m not perfect; in fact, I’m far from it.  But I’m moving forward, towards health, every step in the game. In the last year, I have discovered health. Because I have been living in my own experience, I haven’t been as aware of the significant progress I’ve made in the last year.

Landon commented on it recently: “Ash in the last three years, you’ve really grown up.”  I’m certain that every one else who has known me in this time will agree.   I may not have noticed it while it was happening… but in seeing myself as a young woman and in seeing myself now, it is obvious. It’s a progressive thing.

Something I’ve learned from Lotus is this:  you must be honest with yourself. I’m often intimidated and have a lot of fears about sharing with you many of these things… Deep down, though, I know that there is at least one of you who can relate to me… and I have a feeling there is at least one of you who has had a similar experience or who can have a better understanding of self after hearing me describe my experience and what I’ve learned.  Perhaps you might even take that step in admitting that there are things that you have had to work on…

Being human (and therefore being imperfect) is a huge bite to swallow for me. I struggle with this every single day… but tonight, I have clarity.  At least now I can say, Yes, this is Me, I own This, I’ve grown from This, and I plan on being This Next Step in the future. Wow.  Seriously… this whole stupid blog has more gravity to it than you will probably ever realize.   Intense. I have a Chemistry exam I have to go study for now. Carry on.

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