Into The Rabbit Hole

I am a completely flawed human being.  I boldly and frequently make mistakes.  I have outgrown the attitude of perfectionism as an ideal. I have in turn resorted to bravely standing out, doing the best I can with what I’ve got.  When I do not make the best decisions, I graciously encourage the people I’ve surrounded myself with the opportunity to teach me a better way.  The fact is that I don’t know everything.  However, as a human race, collectively, I believe that we have retained everything that we have learned throughout “time.”  If I can tap into the resources which define all human knowledge, then I’ll be a great deal smarter than before I started.

I suppose this is the next level of wisdom: to realize that there’s no way I’m going to learn everything in this one lifetime on my own… and if I’m to know more than what is there for me to learn this go around, I need learn from those who have already learned these things first hand.  It’s like tripling or quadrupling my effectiveness.  We are all simultaneously both the student and the teacher. 

Since I don’t know everything, as I have “succumb” to acceptance that I am not perfect, I feel like I’ve become far more comfortable with who I am as a person:  a perfect image of a (the) goddess.   I have learned to express my emotions in a healthy, mature, and reasonable way.  In the past I had run from these powerful emotions.  Now, I allow and embody them.  I am no longer afraid of them.  Not afraid of who I am when I experience them.  It is a beautiful place to be.  I finally am safe in my own skin. 

Who would have thought I would come to this place of calm– of comfortability– so easily?   I suppose “easy” is in the eye of the beholder and completely relative because in the last few years– even the last few months, I would never have considered my path an easy one.

Tonight, though, I feel differently.  I feel as though somehow I’ve slid right along this path, uphill and down, finding solace in every beautiful blessing along the way.  That can’t be such a terrible path, regardless of the ruts into which I’ve fallen or the boulders intent on blocking my way.

A few catalysts, and I’m here in this shroud of evenly metered comforts.  Both a pendulum and a metronome.  As dramatically as it swings in one direction, it also swings in the other.  There are no unexpected surprises, no major veering off the path, just a steady back and forth rocking motion that reminds me that what goes down must come up.  What appears to be a major, life shattering event, only turns my eyes towards the next amazing life-creating event. 

I’m ready for some amazing life-creating events.  I’m ready to see this whole experience as a lesson to behold– one which I’ve learned from and therefore never have to revisit.  I’m ready for the upswing so badly that I’m half anxious about what awesome things are about to happen as a counterbalance– much as I would feel getting ready to parachute out of an airplane.  Yes, I’m crazy.  It’s exactly the sort of eagerness that is bound to attract more beautiful memories into my experience.  I’m ready to live the magic that I’ve always known yet somehow lost in the last few months.

My life is beautiful.  It’s completely imperfect, and yet I’m surrounded with a handful of people who really see the diamond within my rough.  What I create is a crap shoot sometimes– and some of the powerful creations I’ve come up with are pretty shitty.  However, in appreciating my ability as the artist, I acknowledge both my Good Powerful and my Bad Powerful, and frankly, I’ve about had it with my Bad Powerful.  Now’s the time to lift my eyes upward.  Time to acknowledge my lesson, my boulder attempting to avert my path.  Now’s the time to identify my mistake in creating something I dislike while so many people witnessing my diversion and shouting, “You’re creating this, Ash!!!”

There are no regrets here, because within every identifiable fault, I am creating my own story– my own contribution to the collective understanding.  I’m gladly posing as the student long enough to figure out what it is that I needed to learn so that I can in turn move back into my teacher role– so I can share these marvelous discoveries with you all.