Into The Rabbit Hole

Having kids is like babysitting. For a LONG time. And no one ever pays you; in fact, you have to spend a lot of your own money. And the parents never come home to relieve you from your duties.

Welcome to my new life! I’ve recently fallen (tripped?) into the role of step-parenting, and I’m totally clueless. I’m learning a bunch as I go along, and I have this suspicion that I’ll never know all the answers, and I’ll probably be wrong a bunch, but I’m hell bent on doing it better than my parents did (how’s that for a new cliche of our time?)!

So, here are a couple of my observations and opinions. Since I’m a professional and all. *wink*

First of all, the single greatest factor on the survival of all relationships within a step family is that both the biological parent and the step-parent yield equal respect and authority in the home. I think that obviously this varies based upon the age of the child and how long the children have known their biological parents to be separated versus how long they were together. There are different ways to approach it based on different family structures. Ultimately, though, as long as the child perceives that one parent (biological or step) is dominant, you WILL have behavioral problems from the kids. I’m sure this is probably the same situation that would happen in an “un-broken” home, where both of the biological parents are still together, but since my expertise is in step-families, that’s where I’m going to keep the focus of our conversation.

The second greatest factor is that parents should agree to not compromise each other’s judgment calls (assuming both are fairly reasonable people). What this means is that when one parent sets down a law, the other parent will not question them about it in front of the kids. This again goes down to the perceived dominance thing. If a child sees the example from another parent that it is acceptable to question a grown-up’s call, then the child may begin to doubt the questioned parent’s judgment or authority in decision making. Once that judgment or authority is doubted, it’s not a far leap into disobedience or rebellion.

Next, there is the issue of favoritism. Many people do it without even thinking about it– and sometimes children interpret favoritism at the slightest detection of unequal treatment–even if the adult isn’t aware of it. It’s incredibly important to ensure that every person– adults and children– within the family is given equal positive reinforcement at any time. I think one of the greatest opportunities for destroying a child’s self-esteem happens when the child believes that for reasons unknown to him, that he is somehow not as “good” as whomever (adult or another child) is favored over him.

I think what it generally comes down to is that we are creatures of habit. Children only know as much as their parents teach them– and then also what they learn in school, day care, from other adults and family members, and from other children. (Regretfully, I should include television as well.) Basically, I think that very little of a child’s behavior is original. They’re just repeating what they’ve learned.

Therefore, what a child needs most is guidance and stability. Consistency… and constant reminders of what is okay and what isn’t. When you yourself demonstrate a behavior that is not acceptable (by the rules), and then enforce that this behavior from the child is not acceptable, the kids end up confused. When one day a certain behavior is okay and then the next day it isn’t, again, this results in uncertainty. I think that consistency is the key. Pick your rules and stick with them.

I haven’t quite figured out how I stand with discipline at this point. I generally am not comfortable with spanking– we were taught as kindergarteners that hitting isn’t okay, but I believe it probably has its place. I am still definitely learning what I think about this. It does appear that when spanking is utilized as a form of discipline in our home, that the kids obey better– in fact, they obey the spanking parent better. So obviously, it works. And these kids don’t express fearfulness in any way, so I suspect there IS much value in spanking, at least at this age. Something that struck me as valuable advice was something Annie said to me: “You’ve got to figure out what their currency is.” In other words, you have to find out what it is that they value and then use it to elicit the appropriate behavior you desire. Empty threats and non-valuable groundings aren’t going to be effective, and may ruin the future currency value for that thing in the future. For instance, at four and five, Kora and Tyler have different currencies. Tyler cares a who lot more about being grounded from television than Kora does. Kora would be much more affected by being grounded from wearing pink than probably any other form of discipline. I haven’t used that yet, but perhaps I will in the future. She’s have to be really bad to be grounded from wearing pink. *chuckle* If I was going to try to punish Kora by telling her that she couldn’t watch television, she hardly cares. But revoke her privilege of going into the basement (where the TV is, but also where they play), and she knows she’s in trouble.

Kids are a trip. They want to be good. They want the praise and admiration of adults, I think that’s just general human nature. They actually like doing chores, if you show them how to do it and what you’re expecting from them. They need a lot of practice to learn how to do it right– even at four and five they don’t have the physical dexterity to know how to fold clothes the right way or dust every nook and cranny. So, I let them start out with the simple stuff. I often have to go over and repeat their work, but I would have to do it all anyway… at least with them helping me, they begin to get good at it at a young age, so that when they’re twelve or thirteen, they can do all of it. (That’s what children are for, right?) *grin* They like doing what you tell them to, usually, if you present it in a way that convinces them that it’s a privilege to do what they’re doing. Tyler begs me to mop the floor. Heh!!!

So, that’s everything I know about being a step-parent at this time. Not much, I realize, but every day is a new learning experience. I’ll be sure to keep you posted next time I learn something new.