Into The Rabbit Hole

I snuck my laptop into my bedroom.  I know this isn’t really very conducive for sleeping but I thought that maybe I’d be inspired to write more from the comfort and intimacy of my bed.  So, here I am… broadcasting from bed.

I can do this now, seeing as my guy’s away and I’m here on this holiday weekend all by my lonesome.

That sounds terribly pitiful, though I’m not sure that was necessarily what I was going for.  It’s just that, well, this is the beginning of my summer time.  I’m not quite done with school but am well on my way.  I made significant headway today.  I wrote up the experimental part of my paper and messed around with ChemDraw, a program that allows me to draw cool and crazy mechanistic pictures of the chemicals I made up.  I’m stuck on one tiny little part… inadvertently I used nitrate in my experiment, where I should’ve used nitrite, and while nitrate presumably wouldn’t have actually DONE anything, it did, and we’re not entirely sure WHAT I made, only that I made something new.  And that was awfully exciting, at least to my lab teacher.  And if she’s excited, well, hell, *I’m* excited.  And that is wonderful and stuff, but I’m still stuck because I don’t know how to write this paper if I don’t know what compound I created…

You all know where I’m at with my behavioral neuroscience paper… I suppose I’m not really ready to say I’m about to write that one, either.  I’m just… well, sort of waiting to hear something from my teacher there, too.  I am stuck between two places there:  On one side, I know that he has a purposeful task he’s researching, and on the other side, I wonder if perhaps he’s looking in the wrong direction for an overall solution to a picture that is much more broad than one can pin point down while looking at his research.  *sigh*

I suppose these are two problems that many people would love to have.  Hell, *I* love that I have them.

I’ve been in such a strange place lately.  I’m not depressed, really.  And I’m not overjoyed.  I’m just… I mean, how do I put this?  I’m a little blue, but I’m happy about springtime.  I’m determined to feel good and not be miserable this entire time.  I’m completely overwhelmed most of the time, but apparently that’s what I was going for because I created this experience… I am proud when I accomplish something “masculine” like mowing the lawn… and I’m proud when something I cook for myself turns out to be edible… so I suppose my self-efficacy is gradually picking up momentum.  So I’m glad that I can handle this stuff and all… especially when all of the challenging things seem to have rained down upon me all at once… I’m glad and happy and hell bent on surviving this well.  At the same time, I think maybe I’m a little bonkers.  I think I’m becoming more comfortable with that.  And it seems to be suiting me rather well.  Which is interesting, because all this time I was going for the Uber Sane role, yunno?  I was always trying to present myself as rational and reasonable, and as it turns out, I’m completely neurotic…

Of course, admitting it to myself seems to be doing me well.  It’s sort of like affirming that I love my beautiful body, only instead of losing weight, admitting that I’m a little crackers has sort of mellowed me out some.  It’s made me more allowing to myself.  That was possibly one of my biggest flaws– I totally denied any crazy business and then also forced a perfection seeking behavior to the point where, if I did make a mistake, I was completely knocked off my horse to the point of hurt pride, bruised intentions, and questioning my ability to do whatever it was that I was attempting to do.  Now, though, I make a mistake, and I’m like, “Meh, let’s try it a different way.” And I do, and the second way is a valid path, too…

What I think I’m getting at here is that as much as I’d enjoy being the top dog, I’m much happier being human.  I’m learning to embrace this hat, and I’m getting pretty good at it.  I’m liking who I’m turning out to be as a person, even if sometimes I’m a cry baby, other times a bitch, sometimes overly submissive, and most of the time, too busy to care how I’m coming across.  It’s quite the opposite of what, as a child (last year?), I was going for.   The over-achiever syndrome had its place in my experience, and it certainly got me to where I’m at now; however, as much as it was once useful, I think that it’s doing me some good just to BE, regardless of how I *AM* at the moment.