Into The Rabbit Hole

The dogs have made quite a mess.  I had been leaving that all for him to clean up, and it didn’t happen, so now it’s my mess to clean up.  Gotta pick up the yard so that the grass will grow.  I know how to grow grass, even if it’s been given every challenge to grow.  I know how to fix that.

They wonder where he’s gone.  I just hug them.

A beautiful friend left me flowers on my porch.  She is a pure heart.  I am so thankful that my friends have been able to help me in a time of need.  My newest lovely friend brought me my birthday present… I LOVE homemade stuff.  That’s the stuff that’s really special.

I slept in my bed alone last night.  Stayed up late, clicked through the 14 channels I have on TV.  Thinking maybe I should upgrade my cable again.  I don’t want to be lost in the television.  I despise the television.  But it may be what keeps me company on my lonely nights.

I’ve been writing letters to him.  Long letters telling him my every thought, every detail of the day.  I wonder how long those letters will keep me company.  It feels good as long as I don’t start worrying about what he’s experiencing.

I’ll save money on coffee and cigarettes.  Probably on food, too.  That’ll be good.

Trying to keep this all in perspective.  Trying to remember I’m one day into my sentence, and every day marks a success.  I got through it!

I’m so thankful for my friends.  Thank goddess I have an amazing support system.  Otherwise it would be long lonely nights… I noticed on my drive home from work yesterday– Friday night– that I didn’t really want to come home… that I felt like I had nothing to come home to.  I have to take care of the dogs.  They need me.  That’s something worth coming home to.  But they’re dogs.  They can’t talk with me.  They can’t tell me how beautiful I am even through my tears.  But they can love me.  They’ll help me get through this, too.

Many of my moments were spent feeling surreal.  This can’t be happening.  This isn’t really happening.  I dreamt this and before I know it, I’ll wake up, and he’ll be sleeping next to me.  I’ll wake him with kisses and caresses and “Good morning, I love you’s.”

Woke up to a chain saw rumbling in the next yard.  9:00 AM on a Saturday morning is a prime time to run a chain saw.

The dogs were crying.  I just laid there.  No need to be quiet.  Should just get up.

The fear of being alone is quite ripe within me.  I’ve never really had an empty house.  Delinquent (and not so delinquent) roommates have dotted my time here.   I can see why a woman would jump from man to man to man… I can see why *I* have jumped from man to man to man… We are a social creature.  That’s not me now, though.  I am patient and I will wait for his return.   We will be inseparable.

I’ve got to get up and shower.  Going to Grammy’s & Granddad’s to check on the kids’ schedule.  Going to take the kids some clothes.  Going to see if Tyler’s flu symptoms are gone, so I can bring them home today.  I’m hoping I can take them to a play tonight.

Having the kids around will be helpful.  They’ll keep me busy.  That’s what it all comes down to: keeping me busy.   I’ve got plenty to do.  Having these sort of responsibilities by myself will keep me focused… keep me from thinking about him, worrying.

Better go shower now.  I should call Grammy first.  See how Tyler’s doing.  See if I can gauge what to expect.

That’s the worst part of it all.  Not knowing what to expect.