Into The Rabbit Hole

I suppose that there is one of two possible causes for humans to have created spirituality in the realm of evolution.   The first possibility is that we need it in order to cope with our own mortality, feeling less anxious about death because we know something “Better” will come after we pass on from our physical bodies.

The second possibility is that we somehow remember– not necessarily cognitively– that there is something more.  Perhaps our cells remember– though organically that wouldn’t make a whole lot of sense because our cells are what die.  The scientist in me struggles to make sense of it all- to understand how a majority of perfectly reasonable (okay that’s relative) people believe in SOMETHING.  It comes back to one of the laws of thermodynamics: Energy cannot be created nor destroyed.  So, in the scheme of all that exists, we are energy.  Every single cell in our body uses something carbon based as a “food” to make energy.  Every carbon based cell we consume once used something else to make energy to grow.  Animals consume other animals and plants. Plants use sunlight to make energy.  The sun expels energy from the dramatic process of nuclear fusion, which is a result of the cataclysmic nature of the creation of our universe– a creation that natural physicists insist followed the law in that the energy was already there– it just changed form somehow…  When we die, our bodies decompose into basic carbon that is reabsorbed into the ground.  Or, the process can be accelerated by cremation– either way, our cells are always carbon based, and eventually those carbons return to the earth to be used as nutrients for more plant life, which again is eventually consumed by another animal– us or otherwise.  I suppose another possibility to allow our cells to remember is that we are all the result of something living.  Every single one of us was created by two cells from two other living beings.  Perhaps that “memory” is passed down to us from the point of conception… I’m doubtful, but somehow there could be a connection. 

I have heard that there are documented reports (scientifically recorded) that support similar experiences in near-death situations.  There are a number of people in the field of science that believe in God of some form or another.  The main problem for my own understanding is that no one can ever KNOW what happens after death because the consciousness has left the body one way or another.  I don’t know I can necessarily accept that our bodies contain an elusive soul.  I need some sort of proof. 

So, there is the rational, scientist expressing in me.  It must be a rational explanation in order for me to accept it. However much this is true for me, I also recognize that every single one of us has our own expression of spirituality, and I believe that whatever works for us is exactly what we should believe.  I don’t condemn people for believing what they do– that would be hypocritical of me.  Instead, I love and accept– and in fact want to study– what people believe because I think that what a person believes is an inherent expression of who they really are– who they aim to be, where their values lie, etc.  A person’s faith is indicative of where their priorities are set– regardless of whether the person chose the faith or if the faith chose them.

This being said, I understand and accept that people believe in life after death because it allows them to deal with their own mortality, regardless of whether what they believe about death is real or true.  This alone makes whatever they believe true for them, regardless of what anyone else in this world believes of their personal belief.  So, what would the harm be for me to believe in life after death? After all, to me, it would be truth.

My faith has changed over the span of my life.   When I was young, I believed adamantly that Jesus was the savior for a sinful world.  I believed that either upon my death or upon the return of Christ, I would be reunited with my maker, God.  A number of experiences led me to discover that I could not worship a God who would create a hell– an eternal pit for those who disagree to live forever– and then create people (referred to in the Bible as God’s children) who would either make it to heaven or live in hell eternally.  So, I quit believing in hell.  I quit believing in such a thing as Sin– that could possibly send me to hell.  I decided that if a child molesting pastor could be forgiven and accepted into heaven, and then another good person, choosing to not accept Jesus as their savior could go to hell, then I would choose hell.  After all, at least the people in hell were honest about their bad-ness.  Eventually, I decided there is no God, and that people have created an all-knowing being, a Master, a creator, an omniscient, all powerful Being in the sky because they need Him in order to deal with and accept their own humanity.  After all, God sure sounds very human after all.  Considering that I can’t believe that Earth is the only place where life exists, I couldn’t accept that this huge creature in the sky was so much like us that he wouldn’t be like any other life out there… So I killed God.  Instead, I decided that I would take the things about the concept of God that I liked, and use the word “God” to describe those good things within people.  God is love.  Okay, so that’s a good one.  Love is within all of us, and therefore God is within all of us.  God is all-knowing.  Yes, and so are we.  The knowledge is out there to be discovered.  God must be inside of all of us.  God is kindness, beauty, honestly, genuinity… goodness.  And that’s inside of us, too.  God IS me.  Us.

So then, what happens to Us after we die?  Well, nothing. 

I accepted this thought process for many years.  I accepted that I would just have to come to terms with my own mortality.  That eventually I would die, and I was not unique.  Physically, we all die.  Our bodies cannot live eternally, and that’s probably a great thing because as we age, our bodies just aren’t as easy to live in.  So mortality is a good thing.  Population control, so to speak. 

Unfortunately, though, this though process has eventually led me to severe anxiety.  I have experienced a plethora of panic attacks, where I am literally afraid of dying.  I am panicked into believing that I’m experiencing a heart attack or a stroke.  I am terrified to ride in a vehicle as a passenger.  I am afraid of heights, of falling, of getting cancer, of being in a car accident.  I am afraid of death and dying.

At this point, I have to do something about it because fear is eating at my existence. I would rather die NOW and not be afraid any longer than to live my life out to the rest of my years consumed by fear. 

And at the same time I’m realizing that I’m tired of being afraid, I am presented with the idea again of reincarnation.  Of a continuous number of phases and lessons we must pass through until we reach enlightenment.  And it’s unproveable, and to many it could seem silly.  I am thinking, though, that if there’s a possibility that a simple change in my belief system could allieviate my fears, then perhaps I should embrace it.  Perhaps I can allow myself to believe in something unproveable.  I don’t know.  It’s a stretch for me, but could it really hurt anything?

Perhaps accepting an idea such as life after death will not resolve my fears of dying.  I allow myself to change my beliefs at any time in my life, as I see fit.  So, should that be the case, I could always change my mind.  That’s how faith works, right?  No?

Anyway, the point is that change is happening within me.  I am seeing a wound that needs healing, and the psychologist in me knows that it can be resolved without medicating the hell out of myself.  The Freud in me wants to go through all of my hurts and traumas and figure out the root of the anxiety.  The Logic in me tells me that’s not going to resolve anything because I’m not feeling anxious about something in the past– rather it’s that horrific thing in the future that ails me.  I’ve come to accept that many many many people use their faith to feel better about death, and I wonder if they’re not onto something. 

I’ll keep you posted.