Three exceptional women sat in the lunchroom, chatting about their less than functional relationships with men. At first I was desperately relieved that I could sit amongst women like myself. We are incredibly driven, extraordinarily intelligent, and amazingly beautiful young women. We carry very little baggage, and have a plethora of gifts to offer in our loyal companionships… I was relieved because I was in good company.
These women wouldn’t judge me for mine as they were in similar boats… we all are in less than functional relationships with men who don’t want us like we want them. It was like a slap in the face when the thought crossed my mind: Maybe all three of us urgently needed therapy. Did we really think that poorly of ourselves that we believed that we don’t deserve men who desperately want to be with us as we do them? Were our confidences such a brilliant facade that we have convinced even ourselves that it doesn’t matter to us?? That’s just the thing… not one of us actually NEED a man.
We were three amazing, goal-oriented women who will achieve EVERYTHING we set forth to do. Eventually we will be independently wealthy– with or without husbands or companionship. All three of us are perfectly capable of finding companionship in one form or another– none of us socially crippled nor awkward in any fashion…
Perhaps this was a key point, she pointed out. It’s not that we NEED them, it’s that we WANT them… was that something so terrifying to a man? What was it about us that we could possibly be doing that was so off-putting to these men who we held with such high regard? We all thought that a WANT over NEED priority would be that much more flattering…
Needless to say, I’ve been doing a lot of thinking recently. I’ve been thinking about how I feel that I DO deserve that kind of companionship… and that what I think I want IS companionship… that relationship where I can be comfortable in my own skin… the kind where I know that I am dedicated to him and he to me… the kind where I want to be the only person that they want to be with– the kind where we are dedicated to each other and I know I am loved both when I’m crazy and when I’m phenomenal… the kind of relationship where I don’t have to constantly worry that I’m going to do something that will scare him off, as he is committed to me… committed to us. Fuck. That sounds a lot like… *gasp* Marriage. *dun dun DUN*
No, I don’t want marriage… I realize the impermanence of relationships– of any sort. I recognize and admit that many relationships DON’T last forever. I acknowledge that it’s unreasonable for me to think of anything in terms of forever– especially when you’re dealing with two independently thinking individuals. I realize that to the people who believe in marriage, I sound very jaded– especially for someone who has never been through the experience… perhaps to the jaded I sound reasonable in acknowledging such things. Perhaps.
I’ve been thinking a lot about this impermanence, and it’s making me want to be alone tonight. Impermanence… facades… it’s not that these relationships we have every day are fake, because that’s not the truth… it’s that nothing is permanent… in fact, I can count on one hand the people that I know for CERTAIN I will be friends with in five years. It’s sad because I have a LOT of really great friends. But people change over time… people change and friendships end… it’s not that the friends are bad or that I’m a bad friend– it’s just a fact of life… sometimes relationships are temporary. Most times. Just varies based upon the length of the relationship. Not to say that I doubt ALL of my relationships– don’t get me wrong… and I’m certainly not hoping for nor wishing for the demise of my relationships… I’m just saying… Sometimes they don’t last. Perhaps they don’t last because I say they don’t last. Perhaps it’s because I don’t put forth the effort to save them once I realize they’re “doomed.” I don’t know… I don’t really know what I know… just that my way of thinking has me painted into a corner. I want I want I want… something that I just don’t believe in. That’s probably why I’ve never had it.
Recent Comments