Dec 12

lucid dream babble

Dreams, Life, Mental Health, Self Awareness Add comments

I am an emotional sponge.  What you put out there is what I soak up. I can’t tell you if this is a new thing for me, or if I’ve just figured it out about myself. I have emotions that I own, too.  It must be something new or else I would have never survived my bipolar friends’ episodes. Must be. I wonder if I should be worried about taking my chemistry test tomorrow.  I’m not.  I’m not stressed at all about it.  The material is all stuff I genuinely learned well this semester.  A lot of it is memorization.  If I get fucked on not knowing the memorization… well, that’s just sad because real life and real chemistry does not require you to have the names of the gas laws memorized, nor does it require you to remember every formula.  Fuck, those things are things you can easily look up in your notes, your textbook, or your chart.  I get the concepts.  I understand everything, and can explain most of it to you. I guess maybe I think I should be more concerned.  I think that if I was more worried, I would be completely freaked and stressed out. I’m too emotionally exhausted to be freaked and stressed.  I’m too happy to be freaked and stressed.  I have no more negative energy to give to the freak out process.  I am confident, and realize that I am completely capable of doing well without the worry.  I feel like I’m living in a dream.  I feel like I’m lucidly dreaming. I am super excited for tomorrow.  Not only am I taking my final, which means classes are finished for the semester, but I am going to an Avs game.  With the most phenomenal people in the universe.  Really.  Like extraordinary.  And you wanna know who is going to be there?  My older brother.  Yo.  My brother who I haven’t seen since he got back from Iraq.  My big brother is home, and he’s alive and safe and seemingly pretty fucking happy.  I can’t believe it.  I’m so excited!!!  He’s alive!  I guess it just hasn’t hit me since I haven’t seen him yet.  I talk to him now pretty frequently, but haven’t seen him, haven’t touched him, hugged him, punched him in the arm… Going to Avs game with my brother.  And the rest of the people I love. (most of them!)Surreal.  Yes.  Lucid dreaming.  Not even worried.  Not stressed, just calm and confident. What is this life?  What is this rabbit hole I’ve crawled into?  Is there really such a thing as pure, real happiness?  A kind of happiness that doesn’t allow you more than one bad day at a time, and even those bad days are like pseudo/semi bad days, ones where there’s nothing really even wrong, you just feel blue, and coincidentally, they coincide with your menstrual cycle?  Or your lady friends’ mentrual cycle(s)? What is this craziness?  This dream?  What if it really is a dream?  If it is, don’t you agree that I should make it a big one?  I want the perfect life.  I want the perfect home life. The perfect body. The perfect health. The perfect friends.  The perfect lover.  The perfect job.  The perfect education.  The perfect long-term career goal… Yes, dreaming.  Not worried… because I already have everything I’m dreaming big about.  How fucking cool is THAT?

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