I don’t feel the cohesion between myself and my friends lately.  It’s sort of a lonely feeling, though I am confident in my abilities to go forward in this life by myself.  I’m not sure I can put my finger on it, but it seems that elation I initially had when I fell into this group of people may have faded.  There’s been no drama (thankfully), and nothing in particular I can put my fingers on… it just seems the paths have changes, roles have changed, and the summer has passed. 

 I’m certain the fun times are absolutely NOT over, but now we’re all moving forward into our busy roles, our busy lives, and there’s very little that I can do to prevent it– even if I wanted to, which I don’t know that I do.  I know that most of this reflection is directly based upon school beginning again for me.  This won’t be one of those semesters where I can just float along not having to work hard for my grades.  Not at all.  This is going to be a challenging semester, full of long nights studying and lots and lots of coffee.  I just hope that the companionship that I desire along the way presents itself in the exact light I’d love to see.   I suppose the only right thing to do is plug away, and know that I will accomplish anything I set my mind to, regardless of who is along for the ride with me or not. I’m amazed by the rate of change (the delta, the y over x, the slope, the… *sigh*) in my life.  I’m amazed by the amount of growth I’ve recently gone through.  I’m amazed at how beautiful life can be, and my creative powers in it. The extraordinary emotion of awe I’ve experienced in reaction to discovering myself has allowed me– required me– to play the role of ‘teacher’ quite a lot recently– and in spite of my already exponential growth, I’m ready again to be the student, to learn, and to find even more amazement in the beautiful creations I will soon discover in myself.  I’m ready to keep moving, never stagnate, never stop growing. I’m ready to take this bull by the horns, look him in the eyes, and say “Here I am, take me as I am, as I am becoming, as I will be.” I’m ready for this next phase, this next experience, and I am in the state of allowance to the universe– acceptance of the creations I am in process of manifesting… I decided that I would be receiving five hundred dollars in unexpected income very soon.  I am eager to tell you about how it presents itself to me.  I’m eager to raise my hand up, waving it around in the air, saying, “Look here! Look! The Secret works, even with money!” I’m eager.  I lent the DVD to a dear friend of mine, my devastatingly unenlightened friend, and it seems she was receptive.  She’s always thought of my philosophies as hogwash, my spiritual beliefs were too strange or too bizarre for her to buy into.  However, she, too has learned and grown, and it seemed like now was the perfect time for her to see it.  One thing she mentioned was that there was one part of the movie that pissed her off, and it was the part where the man says, “I’m here to be a little in your face and say, yes you did create that accident…” She didn’t want to believe that she, too, had drawn into her life something so traumatic and horrible.  I had to remind her that that experience, though completely uncomfortable for her, was an important lesson and who she is NOW was formed by the tragedy that was the past experiences.  We all are changed by our experiences, be them good or terrible, and those changes hopefully make us better, more dynamic people, better prepared to deal with future experiences because we learned from our pasts.  That’s a difficult concept to bite off- that those things, even the negative things we experience, are all things that we draw into our lives for a purpose.  Our purpose is to learn and grow from them in spite of how uncomfortable they are.  None of us pop out of our mothers knowing all there is to know… it’s important that we take advantage of the “bad” experiences and utilize our time here wisely.  Live and learn, right?All this being said, I reiterate my eagerness to shift my role again back into student.  There is so much more to learn, and I don’t want to waste my time here not learning.  Not to say that teaching is unimportant– we’re all part of this thriving, breathing, growing creature moving toward the same goal– whether we know it or not, and it is also my responsibility to sometimes look back at my brethren (sistren?) and hold out my hand to say, “Look, follow me, I’ve found the path,” but that role is tiring and eventually I’ll fade without the help of someone ahead of me on this path doing the same for me.  As I make this transition, I am curious to see where those dear to me find themselves.  It is terribly important to me that the people who I choose in my life, the people closest to me, are also growing and moving forward.  I’d hate to feel held back by knowing that if I move forward, I’ll be leaving someone behind. I’ve recently found some of the most amazing and rewarding relationships I could ever dream of– and I’m certain that those relationships, too, will grow and thrive and be part of the balance that IS.  I’ve made the mistake in the past to focus too much on being a student and not giving myself enough time to just sit back and relax and enjoy those around me.  I won’t make that mistake again, but I definitely choose not to surround myself with people who are themselves stagnating, or afraid of growth and change. That being said, I am excited to see what all this life has in store for me, where all I might go on this adventure that is my experience.  I’m excited for the future, and I’m chomping at the bit, ready to move forward.  I’m not afraid anymore.  I’m not worried, and I have faith that I can handle any of the challenges presented before me.  I feel empowered, and that is the best I can ask for!

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