As much as I never predicted any of this, I realize that I created it.

And it’s nice. It’s really good.

It sounds like self-righteousness, and in a way it sort of is. But it’s not malicious, and it’s coming from a humble heart. I want understanding from this, not judgment.

I have trudged through mud and dirt and have hurt peoples’ feelings to get here. I wish I hadn’t hurt them, because I hurt the ones I love, but at the same time, it was a necessary evil. I couldn’t have come to where I am now without having done the things I’ve done.

I’m sorry for that, but I wouldn’t change where I’m at for anything.

It’s not a cat fight, and it’s not a claw my way up to the top sort of deal. In fact, it’s none of that at all. Rather, it’s a ‘there is where I was at,’ and ‘here is where I wanted to be,’ and in getting here, I had to make some decisions for myself rather than for anyone else. It all sounds so selfish when I write it. I guess sometimes I have to be selfish.

In fact, I believe that selflessness is not always the answer. Rather, it can be, but you might not always get want you want/deserve/need. Not making some decisions for yourself can certainly lead to hurt feelings… and they might be your own. I don’t think I truly understood this concept of “righteous greed” until now. Sometimes it’s not only okay to be greedy, but necessary. Necessary evils, so to speak.

Along with the selfishness, I’m characteristically leaning towards guilt. I shouldn’t force myself to feel guilty for being happy. Somewhere in between feeling guilty and knowing this was What Should Be is where my emotion lies. I’m torn between having made what I believe to be the right decision–wherein my own happiness, my own life, was my own responsibility, and I went for what I believe will make me happy versus knowing that my decision was essentially a slap in the face to people I love more than almost anything… but obviously, not more than myself.

I’m reminded of when my best friend in high school came out to his father.

Protect others before you protect yourself? At what point is it okay–right, even– to put yourself before others? Think about it for a bit.

Was it a need for me?

Whatever I call it, I did it, and I’m happy. I miss the ones I hurt. I knew it was a possibility, though, and I proceeded anyway. It doesn’t change my love for them, nor does it change their hurt from me. This is another perfect example of how I am human, and I am comfortable with being so. All the adventures never taste as sweet as they do when you know that you earned your place, both high and low, in the experience we call life. My human adventure is vivid.

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