on my own

Book Review, Self Awareness Add comments

I love snow days. I’m giving myself the time to start reading Atlas Shrugged again by Ayn Rand. I got about half way through it at the beginning of the year, and I remember loving every succulent word she wrote, soaking up the feminine power that she dictated– appreciating her mastery of the written word that I so long to have…I can relate with her words, and I love the writer because of her incredible ability to express such life and dynamic personality into individual characters.

She is absolutely a woman I would love to meet– as her mind is a sacred canvas that I would admire in discovering. One particularly striking paragraph describes a man who has just experienced great success and is reflecting back upon the challenges he faced in his past:

“He saw an evening when he sat slumped across his desk in the office. It was late and his staff had left; so he could lie there alone, unwitnessed. He was tired. It was as if he had run a race against his own body, and all the exhaustion of years, which he had refused to acknowledge, had caught him at once and flattened him against the desk top. He felt nothing, except the desire not to move. He did not have the strength to feel–not even to suffer. He had burned everything there was to burn within him; he had scattered so many sparks to start so many things–and he wondered whether someone could give him now the spark he needed, now when he felt unable ever to rise again. He asked himself who had started him and kept him going. Then he raised his head. Slowly, with the greatest effort of his life, he made his body rise until he was able to sit upright with only one hand pressed to the desk and a trembling arm to support him. He never asked that question again.”

It’s this sort of reading that inspires me. I want to be that person who has and does all things with dignity and grace. I want the fires to roar beneath me, pushing me harder and harder, running forward, upright, tackling every challenge before me. I want to find that success, to feel that satisfaction. I want to do it alone, to be able to say that I did this. *I* did this. My pride doesn’t want to have to pull out the thank you list along the way. Not to say I won’t, or that I’m not thankful for the support I have every day; without it, I could be nowhere.

But this challenge before me is mine. It is no one else’s but my own. These choices are mine, and the decisions are ones that answer to no one but myself. I understand now. I can relate this drive to other things in my life… say, for instance, one’s own desire to be independent and alone.

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