Life is funny.
You think you know what to expect, and then something happens, and you have to change your course mid-flight. I suppose there’s nothing wrong with this as long as you’re comfortable with change.
I was hoping for a little less ‘learning time’ and a little more ‘getting-out-of-my-head time.’
It’s not either/or, though, because sometimes it’s a little of this, a little of that, a lot of learning, some teaching, and rarely escaping myself. Or at least this is how it seems.
It’s fine.
It’s grueling, and I’m tired, but I’m happy and excited. The dynamic character I’ve allowed myself to become doesn’t quite know *what* it is. Sometimes I feel like the balance is perfect- it’s right- it’s an indication of growing up… other times I feel like there’s not quite enough of one sensation or another to truly define how I’m feeling. A flat affect… a complement to the extreme emotions in those whom I surround myself with… a boredom with myself…
I suppose it’s just as well. As a woman, I’m expected to change my mind. Or something.
I keep coming back to the lesson: It’s okay to be just okay. It’s okay to be me, regardless of how I am at the moment. It’s okay to be a contradiction. An oxymoron.
Maybe it’s writer’s block. The things that come out of my fingertips seem to have forgotten the brilliance I once had. I’m trying too hard to control it. To create pieces of beauty that I can re-read and not think, “blah…”
I have to be okay, though, with not knowing where to find my thoughts. Okay with not feeling passionate or extreme sometimes. Okay with less energy.
Okay with suddenly remembering a major responsibility and okay with forgetting it for a bit.
*sigh*
Oh well.
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