Eventually, I’ll imagine I’m going to come to a breaking point. *shrug*
Maybe not.
I have a great attitude, and am doing what’s psychologically best for me at this time. I’m not starving myself (a past coping mechanism), nor am I being mean or excessively restrictive to myself. I’m allowing myself normal emotions, and I’m giving myself permission to cry when I feel like it, laugh when I want to, and think good or bad thoughts as they present themselves. Overall, I feel pretty mentally healthy.
At the same time, the stress is unbearable. I don’t really feel like I have many people to go to. Yes, yes, I get that I have friends, but some things I can’t share. Some things I just have to swallow, work through, and just focus on the next step.
I am relinquishing control. And surprisingly, I don’t feel like I’m flailing– at least not all the time. Instead, perhaps, it’s a steady slipping. Sliding. Downwards. While I’m falling, I’m looking around for the steps I’ll be using to pull myself out of this once I finally hit the bottom… Pointing out the landmarks that I can use to direct myself out of this pit.
It’s really not THAT terrible. I’m thankful I have such a good head on my shoulders. I know that much of this is my way of proving that I can handle all of this… even though I shudder to think of it. I know I’m a powerful creator, and I recognize that what I’m creating right now isn’t what I’m going for. At the same time, I just hope that I’m about to give myself a break here– sooner rather than later. As much as I can handle it, I’m certainly going to leave this lesson as just a faint memory as soon as I can.
It is about the contrast… makes the good things that much better. It is about the emotion– understanding that I’m capable of experiencing both highs and lows. It’s about handling stress in a healthy and meaningful manner. It’s about…
Goddess, I’m tired.
3 Responses to “Permission to cry”
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June 9th, 2008 at 1:16 pm
I’m happy to hear things are going relatively well, I hope they continue to ever improve for you!
Blessed Be,
~Shiv
June 11th, 2008 at 9:57 pm
It’s amazing that you’re doing as well as you’re doing with as much as you’re doing. Ya dig? Something that helps me, when I’m under undue stress, is to set aside a time for a breakdown. Like when work sucks and am having a bad “I regret the divorce” week, I think to myself “Ok, I have some time on Tuesday night that I can set aside to deal with all of this”. And I’ll plan it. I’ll set aside 8:00 Tuesday night, take a bath, play songs that make me think of Alex or look thru wedding pictures, or allow the stressful work/family/friend drama wash over me, and cry my head off. I’ll feel it all, allow myself to feel all the stress and pain and whatever, until I’m all cried out. Then I can go on with life again, feeling stronger for having emptied that jar of crazy. Of course it’ll always start filling up again the next day but it feels much better to properly empty it. Just my two cents but I highly recommend it.
June 12th, 2008 at 6:55 am
*grin* AmberLotus, I love you! “having emptied that jar of crazy…”
How apt. I think that’s a wonderful way of putting it. If I’m too afraid of “allowing” the crazy, then I never empty it, and it just builds the heck up.
Note to self: empty the jar of crazy sometime this week.