Why are we so afraid to love?I don’t believe in soul mates.
I don’t believe there is one true love for you, and that you should save yourself for this person.  Relationships are opportunities to experience and learn, and the more of them you have with different people, the better you are in whatever relationship role you choose to be in at the moment. Love… I’ve done that before.  Do you know that I haven’t been told “I love you” by a boyfriend since my last real love?  That was years ago. Years.  I haven’t said it, either.  I haven’t told a man that I loved him– that I was in love with him– in so long.  I know it’s a protective measure for me… you can’t be hurt by someone if you don’t say you love them.  You won’t have the expectations if they never say they love you.  Brilliant protection… or denial?  It’s easy to decide to never say it first.  It’s a problem if both people have made that same decision. I’m not one to be terribly hurt by a lover.  I tend to love, and then when it’s over, I’m off and on my way to the next opportunity.  Usually it’s mutual… I had never really even broken someone’s heart until very recently.  And what was it?  Was it love?  I don’t know– I don’t think so– though I loved him.  That entire time, I waited… patiently… for him to say he loved me…  Nothing.    Until it was too late.  Too late… Now I question if I was ever In Love with him at all. So now here I am, experiencing all that I can experience, and contemplating love.  Love… Create Love.  I wrote it all over my shower with soap crayons.  Love… What is it?  Why are we all so fucking afraid of it? Why does it get so convoluted when sex is involved?  Why am I afraid?  Why am I afraid of telling someone and then losing them? Why does telling someone that you love them scare them away?  Why do I believe this absurd, wicked, wretched thought about such a beautiful, wonderous emotion?  Why do I repeat these silly behaviors?  There must be some sort of aspect of truth to the matter– at least for me… otherwise I doubt I would hold such a staunch opinion on the matter. I value my logic.  I value and appreciate my ability to separate myself from my emotions.  I value that about myself.  I also appreciate the amazing emotions I’ve experienced this summer. Love, light, and blessings, it’s all been there.  I am so very thankful for the most beautiful things that have happened to me.  Here I am going on and on about how love-filled my life is, and yet I’m still so afraid of it.  That’s another thing about love.  Fear is the complete opposite of love.  With love, there is no room for fear.  I have lost my fears.  I am not afraid anymore because I know that no matter what happens to me, there is not a single person who can say anything other than “She was completely happy.” Fear… fear is the opposite of love, and with love, you lose fear.  Yet I’m still so afraid to say it.  I’m getting better at saying it, and have probably said “I love you” more in the last few months than I have in my entire life.  Still, it is a strange paradox.  Love and fear, the two most powerful emotions, become intertwined, mixed up, confused, and unclear.  Why this is, is a mystery to me.  When I discover the real reason, I will share it with you. 

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