Into The Rabbit Hole

So, it’s the third day of not having a cigarette.

It’s not terribly difficult for me to quit… I have practice at the “quitting” part.   I am usually successful at quitting for a few years, then I start again, mostly because I’m being rebellious and often in response to a change in my relationship status.

I know that’s not an entirely healthy behavior, but I can see it and identify it, and they say that admitting it is the first step.

Anyway, today is day three without cigarettes.   And in stopping smoking again, I have learned a few things about myself:

A) I’m crazy.  Who in the world decides to quit smoking at the most stressful/challenging time in their life?  Apparently I do.  I figure that I may as well do it now, so that when I come up through the other side of all this, I’m a non-smoker.

B)  An addiction to smoking is a mindset, and I apparently am not one who has this.  I’ve never really considered myself easily addicted to anything; this is a control thing.  Bad passenger in a car, and not easily addicted to alcohol or nicotine.   If you really want to quit smoking, you have to recognize that there are two pieces at work here: the physical addiction to nicotine and the habitual behavior of smoking.   You have to recognize your triggers.  You also have to try to stop/break your triggers before you quit.  For instance, I always would smoke on the way to work.  The first week, I quit smoking in my car.  Not only did this allow me to cut back, but it helped me break my strongest trigger.  I also quit smoking on my porch in the morning, with my coffee– probably my most favorite places/times to smoke.  This was especially wonderful with my boyfriend– but because he’s a trigger, and he’s not here at the moment– it makes it easy for me to stop smoking on the porch.  Then, for the few cigarettes I had left throughout the day, I bought a pack of cigarettes that I don’t enjoy smoking.  I was smoking Marlboro Lights, and these are American Spirit Organic Lights.  Yes, they sound much better for you, but they taste terrible.  So, I would allow myself to smoke at the other times, but I forced myself to smoke cigarettes that do not give me pleasure.   I didn’t even get through half a pack!  Finally, I was ready.  Armed with nicotine gum, I began chewing 1/2 or 1/3 pieces on my breaks, giving myself the nicotine but proving that I didn’t need the habit.   The second day of no smoking didn’t require the nicotine gum as much, and I sort of forced myself to not chew as much.  (Too much nicotine gum, by the way, can give your mouth blisters.)   Ultimately what it is is a DECISION… and until you’ve actually truly decided that you will not smoke, you won’t be able to quit.  It’s not use if you say that you’re quitting for someone else– you have to make the decision for yourself, otherwise you’ll never find the willpower.

C) Finally, what I’ve learned is that I’m freaking cranky while quitting.  I’m also PMSing and stressed out, so you all get a triple whammy with me now.  :)   This is good to acknowledge, though I’m finding it difficult to hold my tongue with the dogs.  Did you know that Great Danes are emotionally sensitive?  I hurt Jameson’s feelings with what I said an hour ago, and he’s still sulking.  Poor guy.  I feel bad, but…