Fuckin A right.

There are many blessings. Many challenges.  I do mine big.

There is no doubt in my mind that I will get through every day. 

I have come to understand my paintbrush.  It is an amazing tool.  With it, I create a beautiful picture… one that suits my fancies just right.

Ever feel like you want to throw your canvas on the floor and start over?

Sometimes it’s what you have to do in order to paint the next greatest picture.  Sometimes it’s what you have to do when you count your losses, appreciate the ride, and jump off of the horse in a run… looking for the next great adventure.

*sigh*

I’ve had an amazing day today.  Much conflict.  Much conflict resolved.  Argued with a teacher, even.  Elicited salty tears from my eyes, as much as I silently cursed my ducts to stop.  I was embarrassed, frustrated, and tired.   It turned out lovely, though.

It seems to be the lesson for today… the breaking point has been met.  Energy of Activation, so to speak.  Well, once I hit my threshold, apparently I must up heave as much shit as possible in order to settle things correctly.  It’s how it goes.  Do nothing half-assed.  Riiiiight?

There are many things I wish I had handled differently.  It’s not regret, though, it is a learned experience.  In having those, I have been practicing for the more important ones… like knowing how to generally work with people, even if they’re angry with you… like knowing how to work with people, even if you’re angry with them… like knowing when it’s worth a fight or when you just have to let someone walk away… like knowing that in your heart you have to do what’s best for you, even if other people won’t necessarily like it or understand…

I’m not the ace any more.  I mean, I am an A student, and I ace a lot of things, but I have had many many many humbling experiences this semester.  What amazes me is that even still I hear a resounding, “Top of the Class, Ash;” it’s as though even my teachers, through my tears, through the bags under my eyes, through the sloppy techniques, inaccurate readings, half-done papers, they still see it.  They’re seeing in me even when I see right through me.  It works out okay, as long as it’s not always me hearing, “I know you can do better than this, why don’t you?”

I must say that I’ve created every single thing absolutely perfectly for the circumstances I have desired.  Beautifully, I acknowledge that I can change my mind at any time.  I tend to stick with things, though.  I tend to think things through thoroughly before I make my wish.  The genie in the lamp sometimes tires of me to make a decision.  Once I’ve decided, though, there is very little that will stop me.  In fact, almost nothing.  It’s almost a fault. 

Almost, but not quite.

Yeah.  I can’t believe how difficult this semester is.  I would’ve never expected it.  I can’t believe how difficult this experience can be sometimes.  It’s rather fortunate that I have no doubts in my ability to handle it.  It’s like I’ve said before… now that I’ve had the experience, I know how to do it better the next time.  The next times are knocking at my door incessantly, but it only gives me greater opportunities to change my behavior… testing it, so to speak, to see if there isn’t a better way of handling these challenges. 

I’ve set myself up extraordinarily.  I just didn’t realize it would be this difficult.  I can’t imagine doing this if I had had no say in any of it.  I wouldn’t be able to.  I recognize my weaknesses for what they are.  They cannot stop me!

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