Wow. I’m really emotional today… and of course, that leaves me trying to find a reason behind it, a reason to explain my feelings… there has to be something logical behind them… something that justifies them and makes it okay to be feeling this way. Today, I feel like a sad person in a normal person’s skin. It’s weird. I’ve been really trying to embrace the good feelings I had this time last year. I was suddenly alive again, in love… I was on top of my world, and the universe was turning itself around to be precisely what it was that I desired from it. I desired SO much, and everything just came to be. Just like that. *snap*
I still have everything. I have everything I could possibly desire, everything that my heart could want. And at the same time, I wonder if perhaps without feeling exuberant, that maybe I really have nothing. After all, it’s that feeling that I want, not necessarily the material or circumstantial things that I thought made me feel that way. I feel lonely.
To call me independent would be the understatement of the year… and maybe not so much the most accurate one. I’m independent, but I have almost an inability to BE close with someone. Apparently all this time I had thought I was setting myself up to be the perfect companion, when in reality, I was only setting a stage for great acquaintanceship. I have always “preferred” to have a hundred friends over a couple very close ones.
There is obviously a connection, then to my lack of closeness. I spread myself out thin enough that the time I do spend with people, while possibly quality, is minimal. I don’t have time for myself, hardly, let alone being able to give a significant time (or my life) to another person. Or to a few persons. Hell, I’ve given my Self to every person I’ve ever met. And that makes for a lot of really unsubstantial great experiences. Great experiences. That are impersonal, me in my service mode… not me just being me to be me. It’s much easier to be unhuman when you can only see so little of me. Does that come down to a self esteem issue? An inability to be close with people? A deviance from normal relationship behaviors? (heh)
*sigh* And here I am, analyzing the hell out of it. It’s no wonder I feel detached from other humans as much as I do. And for what? For the Great Success That Will One Day Be Ash The Doctor. Of course, there’s nothing wrong with my goals. It’s not really that at all. In fact, to point my finger at my education would be a mistake– a wrong direction. A false path to lead me on to question my dreams. Rather, I think it’s not so much about what I DO, as it is about what I FEEL. Man, I would love to FEEL good again. To feel like I am part of something, part of a person or people. I would love to feel loved. Not to say I don’t think you all LOVE me, because I know you do… but do you even really know ME? I’d venture to believe that very few of you do, mostly because the only face I’ve ever shown you was/is my game face. Please, look at me, I’m so special, this is why you should love me. Really, if I showed you my ups, my downs, my in betweens… would you still love me? I speak to the hundreds of you with whom I interact… So, this is why [I feel this way].
Of course I would venture to figure it out. I can’t just feel bad and then write and not have any conclusion. At least I can recognize it. …And then I’m going to throw in my hormones for good measure. I’m sure I won’t feel this way, say, in a week. Why hormones would be to blame about feeling bad about oneself, I have no idea. I think it’s all bullshit. But… if that’s a good excuse that I can come up with and be okay with, then I’ll tend to take it. Unfortunately, I’ve changed my mind about hormones though. I had to change my mind when I realized that my body performs perfectly. My woman’s body is just right, functional, perfect. And therefore, I can certainly associate the occurrence of my insecurities with an occurrence of my cycle, and I’m fine with that. But that doesn’t necessarily mean that these feelings are caused by hormones. The feelings are valid and real. And likely there’s a cause and a solution. Or maybe no solution at all, and I can just feel this way and that’s all there is to it. Luckily, a mood is something that changes with the ebb of time. Daily… hourly?
Anyway… I guess I just needed to feel okay about not feeling okay. I’ve read and re-read what I’ve written. And instead of feeling self-conscious of it, I am okay with it. It is what it is. None of this is really about you, or my time (or quantity of time) I give to you. It’s about me, as is everything in my experience. And in my view, there is nothing wrong with that. I’m going to go to class now.
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