Into The Rabbit Hole

Well, can you deal with mental illness?

Generally speaking, I say yes. I have this knack for being able to see a red flag that indicates I’m not working with a full deck and can immediately hit the off switch on my emotions. In most cases, I’m golden. Emotionally un-volatile. People tell me things. Things that no one should tell me. I handle it very well, and can remain objective and non-judgmental about it.

Except for one thing…

I have a really difficult time with suicidal people. It’s because I feel so emotionally connected with it. I’ve never once in my entire life– in and out of depression– NEVER felt the urge to kill myself. I’m afraid of death. I’m afraid of it not because I don’t want to die (though, I’m sure somewhere in there, that’s part of it), but because I can’t imagine the pain that my beloveds would experience in losing me. Of course I can think rationally about the situation: everyone dies. You’re no more unique in death than you are in birth. It’s an important part of our life cycle, which in many ways has been fiddled with so incessantly (probably because many people are afraid of death) to the point where we have extended our lifespans so dramatically that it’s affecting our ecosystem immeasurably. Hell, maybe it’s not immeasurable at all– we can see the measurable effects of over-population in a plethora of ways. The point is that I don’t necessarily agree with the extent that we’ve extended our life sentence. It’s not really very good to fuck with the cycle of life. Death is imminent, it’s necessary, and it’s REAL.

I’m still afraid of it, and how it would tear up the ones who love me.

I have no real training (yet) on how to deal with someone who is thinking of suicide. Instead of reacting stoically, I get all fired up about it. Usually my first two emotional responses are fear and anger. I realize that I’m going to have to work through my emotions on the subject– and it’s going to be a good challenge for me. I’m so passionately AGAINST the idea of taking your own life– especially considering my exceptional fear of losing my own.

To put it frankly, it’s fucking selfish. It’s by and far the most selfish thing you can do because it inevitably forces everyone but YOU to pick up the pieces and clean up your mess. Even if you have NO ONE in your life personally who will pick up the pieces, you still are forcing some emergency response crew to see the wicked twist of fate that has come of you because you could see no better reason to go on as compared with the immediate relief you face by ending it all. I could go on describing my passionate feelings about this but I’ll spare you the bitter details. Like I said, I get all fired up about this.

I am assuming my reaction to suicide will be less emotionally charged when I’m a professional and have learned how to properly deal with it.

My first instinct, after I’m all fired up, is to tell the person a handful of reasons why it’s a stupid choice. I realize this isn’t really helpful. Of course they realize it’s a stupid choice– but in their mind, it’s the lesser of all evils. I’m half tempted to just let them go through with it– but of course, that’s a response I’d give if it wasn’t someone I knew and loved. Bring in the personal factor, and I’m not going to push– instead I feel angry that I’ve been put into the Savior role without my permission. (Have you ever tried to push me into doing something I don’t want to? Certainly isn’t the prettiest sight of all.)

I believe the Savior role is where I go off onto the wrong path. Probably what I *should* do is to consider suicide not even an option and try to find other things to talk about. Things that feel good… or at least better. That’s probably a better idea.

“Ash, I’m feeling suicidal.”

“Oh, but it’s springtime!”

Right. That should work. (sigh.)

Perhaps I can come up with some happy alternatives. Like, instead of doing harm to yourself, I should suggest, oh… arts and crafts or something that might help distract you. I doubt the usefulness of this, because typically speaking, someone who is ready to end it all isn’t terribly interested in making friendship bracelets. I don’t know. I’m at a loss here.

I’m sure I’ll figure this out one way or another… I may have to wait until I’m properly educated. All the other mental issues that I *know* how to work with are all things I’ve learned to empathize with. I can imagine what it’s like to hear voices. I can imagine what it’s like to have flashbacks or extreme voices. I can imagine what it is to be compelled to stay up for days and spend copious amounts of money. To be inclined to take my life isn’t something I can comprehend.

I do have a few friends who ARE properly trained in this area, and I’m sure hoping to find more suggestions. There has to be a Rule Book, no?

Anyway, I suppose with this post, I’m asking for suggestions. I’m asking for your feedback. And, most importantly, I’m working through my feelings on the issue.