I feel so disenchanted today.
In some strange way, I recognize that the turn of the emotional pendulum is terribly healthy, and it’s pertinent to experience the dramatic lows of life in order to truly appreciate the highs. It is the contrast that often defines within us what we want. And in knowing the difference, we are able to focus on what we want from our experience instead of bumbling about knowing neither what we want nor what leads us into the pits of pity.
That disclaimer aside, I am disenchanted. I feel like one who is finally beginning to realize that maybe people aren’t generally good. Perhaps it’s possible that our justice system isn’t just. This all falls under the “Life isn’t Fair” category, and frankly it fucking sucks.
One characteristic I’ve always loved about myself was my hope and faith. It saddens me to believe that perhaps the naive little girl within me is becoming jaded. I look around at what we’ve done and struggle to NOT feel despair. To not feel angst over the lavish little hell we’ve fashioned to go along our obsession over the meaningless, the wasteful, the harmful. We’ve lost the sense of right or wrong– not because anything truly was ever wrong but because we’ve placed judgment, a value perception of high priority vs. non-priority on things that lead us into ethical battles… arguments that can not be won by either side.
And in doing so, we’ve disregarded common sense. It should be common sense that resolves litigations. It should be common sense that guides our decisions when we’re trying to consider what sort of scientific advancements we’ll focus on next. Common sense should tell us that it is not right to trash this planet in the name of money. Common sense should guide us when we’re feeling overly zealous or entitled in our behaviors… But common sense is a myth any more. It doesn’t exist, and people don’t use it to help them consider repercussions when we make decisions. We’ve become gluttonous and greedy. It’s very sad, really.
In mourning for the death of my naivety, I wish to remember its charm for what it was when I had it.
I was blissful. So happy. So in love with everything.
I’m not saying I won’t feel these things again, but something in me HAS changed. My eyes are opened, and much in the way Eve’s were after her first juicy bite of freedom… but I still cling to the hopes that one day the world will seem generally good again.
I know I’ve got to focus on what I want. Happiness is truly an attitude. I GET that.
Hopelessness falls into the very next vein. I am struggling with it… almost begging someone to remind me differently.
4 Responses to “Someone show me the way”
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April 25th, 2008 at 9:34 pm
Ash -
It’s strange how many insights and bits of real wisdom I hear about living, and how few of them sink down into long-term belief that becomes part of who I am. Getting these insights doesn’t usually help me. But something else does. Even though I’m one who has struggled with depression for a long time, there remains buried deep inside a spunky hopefulness, even optimism about living, human nature and the need to stay alive and keep on doing new things. I have no idea where that comes from - it’s not from anything I’ve read or been told. It’s just there, thank God, and has truly kept me alive. I can’t help but think that letting the tenseness of daily living and the ongoing witness to evil that can be part of these days just be, just go on while you observe them, will help. Then I find what opens before me is the sight of all that in the fullness of the rest of being, the whole creation, if you will, the best and the worst side by side. I get a sense of the intertwining of good and evil, strangely, and somehow it is easier to grasp those highs and lows, easier to live with everything - simply because that is what we have to live with, to be tested and thrilled and pained by. Out of that mixed up existence, I can feel hope, despite the contrary drive into depression that often takes hold. Perhaps that’s because ultimately I do feel a part of this vaster world, a strong link to its resilience and fullness. Perhaps you can feel part of that great shift of being that goes on around us and mysteriously take hope from it too.
John
April 26th, 2008 at 8:13 am
Time to get out of the Rabbit Hole for a day and do some Spring skiing!
April 26th, 2008 at 8:30 am
John,
I think that really does hit it right on the head… It’s the inevitability that with evil always comes good that saves me.
And I delight in the good.
It’s easy to become overwhelmed with the negative… must focus on the equally powerful, positively pure.
April 26th, 2008 at 8:31 am
Caoimhin,
Eh, Skiing is overrated. First, the season ended a few weeks ago… And second, I’m a native, which translates into I don’t ski.