I suppose I forget sometimes that I should be a reflection of what it is that I want to attract.

Should I choose to actually demonstrate what I’m seeking to attract, I would be real, honest, loving, kind, considerate and gentle with myself.  Which I suppose I actually DO, most of the time.

Meh, we’re all human, and it’s perfectly reasonable for me to sometimes be off my game.  This comes back to the “I’m okay as I am” phenomenon.  Happily, I can say that acknowledging this comfortability with myself and my mistakes is coming a lot more easily… and I have succumb to far fewer self-beratings than I used to.

I get to thinking a lot… My counselor encouraged me to sometimes “get out of my head.”  Admittedly, this is a strange concept.  To get out of my head is to lose my grip, to lose control on my thoughts and to step back.  As fun as that is…

…I know she’s right, though.  But when I’m not listening to her advice (which takes up more of my time than actually adhering), I get to thinking.  I get to thinking about BIG things.  About pressing things.  About things I can worry about, problems I can solve, problems that are out of my hands.

For instance… Does it matter which Democrat we have running for office?  And what about racism and sexism?  Are we “evolved” enough to see past genitalia and skin color?  So many people just aren’t, when will we change?  And what happens if another Republican comes into office?  Will he fix what the last one did? CAN we fix it?  And what about the earth and her needs.  She cleanses herself. Does she discriminate, or am I also at risk?  And about this 2012 business… is it really the end of our era?  The beginning of some new consciousness?  The end of the world as we know it?  Will my greatest phobia, which is falling off the face of the earth, come true in a magnetic shift of the earth’s poles, as Einstein predicted?  And not only Einstein, but the Mayans, Nostradamus, and other clairvoyants/prophets all said something about this year.  And will it really matter WHICH president we have in office then?  And will it really matter which school the kids go to– or what my grade in Organic Chemistry was then?  And will it matter if they’ve found the elixir of youth and the right penis enlarging drugs and weight loss skin cremes and fat we can eat but can’t absorb???  Does any of this matter?!  What about my job, and money at all?  And what about these days lost without my loved one by my side?  Does it matter that time could be running out?  And what about pesticides and pharmaceuticals in our water….

*sigh*

I know, it’s out of control.  And I realize that worrying about any of this stuff is a negative prayer, and I DO believe in the power of prayer/ right thinking.  I want to reflect what I want to attract– the beauty and awesome-ness of this life; I want to experience every moment in joy and awe and wonderment… and as long as I’m thinking, well, I’m just not enjoying the moment as much as I could be.

So then what?  Do I become a happy hippie (which I’m already there, I think), and flit about the country meeting new and happy hippies?  Do I curse the almighty (albeit withering) dollar and start figuring out how to build my castle without money for stones?  Do I start watering my garden with only rain I’ve caught… and then remind myself that we live in the desert and that all of that water comes through our tainted atmosphere before reaching us here on the ground?  Or do I happily drench my thirsty roots with whatever I can provide them?  I am conflicted.

As much as I dread admitting it, the more kind I want to be, to this planet, to its people… the more jaded I think I become.  Sometimes I wish for ignorance.  It was much happier then.

What’s the opposite of dying? Thriving, maybe?

I feel like I’m waking up. This is what Springtime is for me. A re-awakening. My senses are turned on again: suddenly I am overwhelmed with the smell of fresh cut grass, blooming choke cherries, and the natural scents of the tree bark. I am reminded to observe smell. The spectrum of colors is awake again, and I can’t help but stop in awe of the varieties of colors found within such a tiny little planet. Amazing. I am drawn to touch the new growth, berries and stickers and soft bodies of freshly budding plants; my movements more excited… My routines are more fruitful and my music is turned up just a little louder. Amazing how a (my) human body can lie dormant just like a rosebush. I feed off of my plants doing well. I feed off of tulips and daffodils. I feed off of observing weeds grow six inches in a matter of days. It reminds me to grow, to thrive.

I was dancing in my kitchen this morning. I hadn’t even had my coffee yet. Just shake shake shakin it, Jameson the Dane looking at me with distrust, his head cocked.

Part of my peculiarity is that I appreciate the absurd. As I wake up, I’m more prone to play jokes on the expectations we have. Hence the dancing by myself in the kitchen. Hence the listening to classical piano while riding the bus. Hence the quitting smoking during a difficult time. I’m aroused by the absurd. Or perhaps, when aroused, I am absurd. *chuckle*

I love having the windows open. I love the music playing. I love nag champa burning. Bells from the neighbor’s wind chime float in on the breeze right through my window, and they dance with my houseplants. I love this season. I love remembering to wake up. I can’t wait for my partner to be home so I can share this with him.

It takes courage and maturity to recognize when something isn’t right for you.

Change is frightening, and sometimes we take comfort in just keeping the status quo.  However, as much as it’s frightening, stagnation can require much more energy from you than putting forth the effort to not only DECIDE what you want, but then to ACT and GET what you want.

Much of this life is a game, and the future is often unknown.  It’s unpredictable, and it can be awkward.  However, there are no rules to the game.  Ahem, let me rephrase that.  There are optional rules, imposed by our civilization, and should we choose to step outside of its boundaries, there are consequences, though we are perfectly able to choose to step outside of the boundaries, should we find the benefit to outweigh the possible repercussions.

Now, this is the simple overview.  Let’s make it a little messy by throwing in emotion.

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Apparently I’m on a mission to save the world.  Uh oh, knight in shining armor complex strikes (again).   I guess the reason behind it is that my level of awareness is increasing in leaps and bounds, and in order to share it with you, I have to put down the most important pieces as quickly as they are coming to me– so that you can at least have some sort of reference to figure out where the hell I’m coming from.

In turn, those bits and pieces turn out to be my way of identifying what’s going wrong.   And as much as I don’t want to focus on what’s wrong (for lack of desire for more of what’s wrong), I still believe that you must acknowledge that things are going wrong in order to identify the solutions.   I’m not saying that I have all of the solutions– or any of them for that matter, but I do believe that there ARE solutions, and that we as a collective whole, are perfectly capable of putting our minds together and not only defining the solutions, but creating a workable game plan in order to begin BEing the solution.

“If you’re not part of the solution, you’re part of the problem.”  I don’t know if someone actually said this, or if it’s just cliche at this point.  I just know that in this situation, it’s 119% true.  I think the major problem is that we as a culture are asleep.  I believe that we need to wake up and start cleaning up our messes.  And boy, do we have a shitload of mess to address.

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I feel almost as though I have been keeping something from you.

So much has changed about me– about my writing since I moved my work from Myspace to my “own professional blog.” I have been in somewhat of a hibernation while I’ve been trying to figure out my new roles, and much of it has translated into a loss of passion for my writing. Not that it was ever Gone, really, but that I have been withholding, for one reason or another. I used to use my writing as a form of therapy– a form of pouring my heart out to you… and it has become something different. Something that was less biting, less intimate… and for that, I am truly sorry.

I became cautious… and aware of the infinite capacity I have to rule the writing world of internet… my reader base changed… and I was afraid of saying things that could be hurtful to past friendships that I believed at the time were salvageable. Who I am as a person has changed and grown… and much of this time has been spent trying to figure that all out.

I was thinking, though. And I was doing a whole lot of soul searching… purging the secrets from my past, creating new secrets to share with you all.

Please don’t be mad… I had good reasons to keep myself from you. I had good reasons, and while they were good for the time, I believe I’ve worked all those reasons out.

So it begins.

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So, I just found the COOLEST site.

LOL, I’m always trying to recommend this stuff to you all, and you probably block it all out.

That’s okay.  That’s why this is MY blog and not YOURS.  *wink*

This site is called Gaia.  You know, like mother earth? www.gaia.com

I basically stumbled upon it.  It’s a social networking community, sort of like myspace, only it’s actually very special.  You can make new friends, and you can blog, and there’s a place for photos…  It’s main tenant is that it wants to create a community of like-minded people who are interested in making a difference, enlightenment, awareness, and the spirit.  There’s a page, also, called MyGaia, which is a lot like iGoogle, where you can customize a page, giving you listings of discussions, news articles, your horoscope, and there’s even little meditation “rooms” that you can open up and it plays beautiful sounds and images.  Hellz yes, the hippie in me is jumping up and down!!!!

Anyway, come play with me!

I keep discovering new things I know nothing about.

The more I realize that I don’t know, the more I want to know everything there is to know.

Surely it would be impossible to learn all knowledge in one lifetime.  In fact, that’s my greatest hindrance:  there is only so much “time” I have left in this life.  I don’t know the amount of time, but I recognize that there is a limitation.

If my purpose is to learn as much as I can, then perhaps this purpose gives support to the idea that maybe we’re here in one lifetime more than once.  It’s not evidence, but it would make sense.

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