A series of days in which my mind has been filled with the fog of worry and anxiety… a battle of my internal wits throwing out euphemisms and cliches and proverbs in an attempt to guide my thoughts… Thoughts become things… Physical reality or spiritual reality or mentality or psychology or…??

Every so often I find myself finding moments of clarity. You know the ones– those “snapshot moments” that will ultimately evolve into “snapshot memories” once enough time has passed to transform them. They will no longer BE Present but become BEEN Past… memories that hopefully I’ll retain with fondness.

Makes me think of my past moments of clarity… to become nostalgic for those things that Once Were, therefore inciting gratitude for What Was finally becoming What Is. And then from the other direction things that Will Be finally becoming What Is. It’s a circle. This experience is not linear, it is cyclic.

Along my recent quest for clarity, I suddenly found myself experiencing it.  I was driving home when drops of precipitation blessed my windshield. I rolled down my driver’s window– the one that has a hard time deciding if it should rise again upon request or sit there quietly contrary to my protests– so I could reach my hand to the sky, giving thanks for the lovely cool drops whipping against my hand as I drove in rush hour traffic. My music was loud– an eclectic mix of Devotchka, Depeche Mode and Dave Matthews.  Excitedly, I finally felt as though my question of reality had been answered, and it was THIS which was reality, nothing more. Nothing less.

The problem for me is that reality is fleeting. When you spend this much time in your head, it’s a challenging task to interpret what you think from what is. Truly, this falls directly in line with the “thoughts become things” metaphysical belief system. Thoughts become reality, reality become thoughts, there is nothing and there is everything, and all that really IS is an interpretation of what IS… terribly philosophical, but that’s part of who I am.

Lately, I’ve found myself in an almost constant state of seeking clarity.  And recently, I’ve found many others in that same plane of those who seek.  It’s not that I’ve lost my clear vision as much as it’s been cluttered with things that distract me.  Things that I allow myself to lose focus over.  Things that really, in the scheme of all that IS, just don’t matter.

One of the most important ideas to remember while on my quest for clarity is that there are situations that trigger either cloudiness or clarity. The question IS: do I indulge myself in the cloudiness or do I full throttle ahead into crystal clear thinking?  I suppose when you’re in the heat (emotion) of the moment, you frequently forget to think clearly.  It’s not just me, it’s a human characteristic.

Emotion does not equal clarity.  Emotion rarely equals anything more than a tint that saturates the lens through which we experience this life.   Emotion is what makes this life worth living, both good and bad.  It’s not a negative thing… just a tint.  In the same vein is stress– another tint, one that precedes emotion– and one that can precipitate strong (and often) negative emotion.  Stress often prevents us from seeing clearly, and it is often the fog that allows you to barely make out shapes of what IS on the other side of our lens through which we’re supposed to “see” experience…

I suppose what this leaves us with is the challenge to be more aware of how our stress and emotion fogs our vision.  Can awareness that this is what it is doing bring us more pleasure, more clarity?

I would guess that awareness of it is the first step.  Be aware that what you’re experiencing may be tagged with emotion or stress.  And then after becoming overtly aware, I suppose we can adjust our behaviors in a way that actually obtains the sort of reaction we desire.  Being able to separate ourselves from the tint is, I believe, an innate quality.  In a negative form (or should I say less-good-coping form?), we can dissociate.  In a positive form, we can regulate how we interpret our experience, and therefore manage the flow of experience within our lives.

This life can be overwhelming.

There are so many experiences.  So many thoughts to touch my mind.  My heart.  My experience.

It seems that the solution to exhaustion is pride.  When I think I can’t possibly do more, I take pride in what I’ve done and it propels me.  I push myself beyond my own comfort zone, and it is there where I grasp freedom.

There are a gamut of emotions pummeling through my brain.  All of them I’ve tasted, chewed up, and swallowed.  Some I choose to eat again.  Some I spit out.  I choose to taste more love.

It is a dangerous emotion.  I can experience it for many, and for many lose touch.  I can hide it inside my heart, being stingy with it until I spare it for none.  I can spread it superficially as a drunk on holiday.  I can use it to attain more of it, to attain more of what I want materially, to prop the world in my palm.  It is dangerous because it opens my chest up to vast skies of the universe and to the depths of our deepest dark oceans.  It makes me vulnerable.  It fulfills me.

With it can come great adventure.

And loss.

It is knowing the experience of love that pushes me forward.  That pride.  That exhaustion.  I am motivated, and I am tired.  I am smiling.

It is knowing the pain of my losses that provides me extraordinary contrast.  It makes my elusive emotional experience that much more invaluable to me.   It is part of love, and it is how I know how to love someone entirely.  How to love myself completely.  How to love you wholly.  And I do.

Set your goals high.  Higher, even, than you think are possible given your current circumstances.  
Know what you want, and expect it.  
What you expect is what you get.  
Get what you want, always… 

Dreams are the maps to our joy.  Don’t stop believing.  (I know, get the song stuck in your head!)  Follow your heart… realize that you can’t plan HOW you will reach your goal, just know that you will have it.  Sometimes the paths we insist on taking don’t follow our hearts– allow yourself to deviate for the sake of seeing what might happen… there is no rule book, there are no road rules, no guidance other than what truly leads you: your instincts… which ultimately translates into your heart’s desires.

You can have it.  I promise.

I held a baby chick in my hands.
Her down was softer than anything I had ever touched before, she was beautiful. She trembled with fear. I know that feeling.
I know how you feel.
Fear can be inescapable, ineluctable.
It can stop you in your tracks.

This fear. I know how it is to tremble, to not know from whence the next blow will come. I know you are afraid, and I can see you trembling inside, even when you’ve put on your big boy face.   I can see you are curious, but something is holding you back– something is preventing you from stepping forward into the light.

The shadows hide your face so cleverly.  I can see you, though.  Waiting, watching, praying for the sign that will allow you to move forward, to not be afraid. The difference is that I see from outside in.  I can see the big picture, the whole picture, and I realize there is really nothing to fear at all.  You cannot see it, and the risk of not knowing is enough to keep you cowering in fear until the next great moment comes along. Sadly, you do not hear me calling to you.  You are too consumed by it, in too deep to hear me say your name. I call to you.  I motion for you to follow me. I cannot stand here forever, though, my friend.  I cannot wait, I am in motion, I am not afraid.  Movement, change… they prevent stagnation.  Perhaps that is MY fear.  But it is not terror.  Rather, it motivates me, it moves me.  Remove your concrete shoes, take the first step. You can do this.  I’m right beside you.

At moments I’m tempted to feel sad and fearful.
I know that these emotions are not in alignment with happiness; therefore, while it’s often easy to indulge, I know that I need to continue to focus on the things that make me calm and satisfied and jubilant in this life.  I have frequently been terrified of falling asleep.  I am afraid of letting go of my consciousness.  I am afraid of dying in my sleep. “I’m just not ready yet.  I have plans.”
A wise man pointed out last night that I’ll always have plans. My mind slammed into a brick wall at the speed of light– I had been streaking across the universe. I’ll always have plans.   I keep looking at death as something I want to postpone because I have things going on now and I want to accomplish them before I go.  I also have the idea that if I dote on death, or “allow” it to happen with my mind, then I am allowing it to happen with my body.  However, I’ll always have plans, and death is inevitable.  Allowing it is NOT the same as being comfortable with my own mortality. I’ll always have plans.  It’s not like once I become a doctor I’ll have nothing to yearn for.  In fact, probably quite the opposite.  As I watch my dreams unfold now, I am only opening doors for bigger and more amazing dreams.  As I yearn for my degree, I yearn for happiness, I yearn for companionship, I’m only opening myself wide and asking for more and more amazing things to dream of.  More and more amazing things to plan for…It’s going to take some time for me to absorb this understanding, but I want to present this to you as I learn and grow and become calm about mortality… death is a significant part of life.  It is inevitable and it is imperative.  I might not be “ready” for it, but at least I don’t have to fear it.

I long.   
Let it be known, I have had an emotionally charged day.   
My hormones are unforgiving, my self-esteem is feeling a bit dented, and my bubble has burst.    But only a little.   I long for companionship… for someone to just BE here with me.    
A rough day today.  I discovered that the position not only requires 40 hours a week, while I had been giving 37.5, but I also learned that they would not be as flexible with my school schedule as I had believed.  My dream job… is not what it appeared after all.  Don’t get me wrong; I love my job, I love what I do, I love all aspects… but I am only there because it’s a means to an end… it pays the bills while I’m a full time student.  It is a great environment for me to be in while I go to school.  It’s not a career, and it’s certainly nothing I would give up my education for.  Nothing is worth more to me than my goal to become a doctor.  Not a man, not a job, not a (fill in the blank).  I want to be a doctor.  In order to get into medical school, I have to finish my bachelors and take the MCAT.   That’s all there is to it.  I can’t become a doctor through osmosis or by just hanging out with doctors all day.   Sad.  I really loved it there, too.    Hopefully I will find another position within the hospital.  I know that it’s not personal.  I know that I’m a rock star employee… I guess I was just misunderstanding, and perhaps even me hoping a little that my work ethic (me busting my ass every day) would be enough… but it’s not.  Business needs over ride personal needs.  That’s business.  That’s how it works.  I’m okay with that.    Honestly.   *deep breath*  I have a lot on my plate right now, and most of what I can think of is having company over.  Or going somewhere to be around people.  Now really is the worst time for me to be thinking about guys… or hanging out with my girlfriends… or any of that social business.  Six of my favorite classmates invited me out for a beer tonight.  I declined, giving them some lame line about how I didn’t like to be at bars now that I don’t drink.   Sad.   I can’t really even say I don’t drink… because I do, sometimes.   I don’t really even hate going to the bars… and all I really want is to be near people, yet I turned them down.  My favorite people.  I have so much to do!   And here I am, not doing it.  I’m thinking of doing it.  But I’m not.   *sigh*  Thank goodness every day is a new one.   Tomorrow I will shine. 

  I want to paint you a picture of a girl with unending possibilities. A woman who smirks in the face of challenge, who whistles with glee at a chance to find the happy place she knows 99% of the day.   Today, I fell short.  Not all day, in fact, it was a perfect day for the most part.   But so that you know that I, too, am human, I want you to hear that I missed (skipped) school because of something I was self conscious of today.  I drove in, paid for my parking ticket, sat in the parking lot for several minutes, trying to talk myself into not being self-conscious, and then drove home, cursing myself every five minutes for being such a pussy.   Then I came home, and felt better.    And now I’m fine.  

I can do this, you know.  I am a woman, and it’s allowed.

Love is an intangible concept that we desperately seek to know, seek to receive.At least I do.The problem is that no love is really definitive.No love is story-book, fairy-tale, or exactly like another.A dear friend recently taught me that I can have love for one person that is completely different than the love I have for another person.I can love two or more people completely equally, completely differently.It’s true.  I have a special love for my mom, a special love for each individual friend, a love for each of my lovers, and a love for myself.Every person gets a different love from me. And there is no limit as to how much I can love.I fell in love– IN LOVE last year.  I’m still in love and have that very same love for that extremely special person.  But this love is J*** Love: it is not R***** Love, not A**** Love, not J***** Love, and certainly not Me (M*) Love.  It’s special, and it’s unique, and it’s not to say that there won’t be a million other people in my life that I will love, in their own unique manifestation.Love is beautiful.  I don’t have to be afraid of it.  It doesn’t make any sense to say I am “Ash, full of love and joy” if I am afraid to love and be loved.Love isn’t really a specific emotion, rather it is an emotional attachment.  It’s non-definitive, and relative, subjective, and it feels good.  Love is my manifestation of God… of God within me and within people I surround myself with. It’s a special experience.

I want to fall into your arms
Hear you say it was so long
Since the last time you held me
I want to hear your heartbeat
Next to my cheek
I want you to say you were mistaken
Lost
Without me by your side
Instead I face you
Smile through my longing
Knowing this is the most I can have
This is the most we can be
And what will you do
When I distract myself
From you
They keep coming back for me
Dancing, laughing
Didn’t they warn her
Not to look back
I, too, shall turn into a pillar of salt

Sometimes the woman I’ve become scares me.  I was so calm and rational for so many years. Introduce emotion to me, and I embrace it, ride it, become passionate with it. Maybe I’m bipolar. Maybe I’m that hyper-emotional, extreme highs and lows woman I have never thought I was.  I am afraid of losing control. I can see the darkness of my mood and I fear it.  I can feel the loneliness and the despair that while flying high I never thought I could wrap my mind around. I am fearful, even. I am afraid of people and of their emotions.  I’m afraid of a man who screams at me.  I am a truly powerful creator, I must be cautious of the things I focus my awareness on.  While I am happy, I am invincible.  While I am sad, I am dead. I’m cold. I know there’s a silver lining, a lesson. The most important lessons are usually the least comfortable. Goddamnit I’m uncomfortable now. *breathe*This, too, shall pass, I’m sure.   I only blog like this because right this minute I’m fighting a powerful feeling.  One thing about emotions is that they make me a more intimate writer.  I keep hearing the same message.  “It’s okay to feel, ash, it’s okay to be human.”It’s not okay with me.  If I can’t feel good, I’d rather not feel at all.Wow.  That’s healthy. *sigh*What am I presenting?  What is this rawness?  I’m rolling over and exposing my belly to the wicked, to the evil, to the people who want to hurt me. I know that’s not truth, though. I know that no one is evil.  And that I am really invincible underneath it all.  I know there’s joy, buried deep below like the city blanketed in snow.  I know there’s good feelings inside of me.  I’ve felt them today, even.  Keep breathing, keep moving forward; keep beating, heart. A powerful creator… yes.  The silver lining, where is it?  Where’d it go?  What’s this white noise in my head?  It reminds me of the television when it goes off the air. It’s my body, shivering.  My heart and my soul, quivering in this negative emotion.  Cowering, hiding itself from it’s menacing attacker.  The preditor is my own gloom.  It is my mind, choosing misery.  It is my heart picking grief rather than hopefulness.  Do you feel the difference between being broken and hopeful versus being broken and dreadful?Can you feel it?What I’m creating right now is more negativity. This is the battle. And I look for strength from others, and know there is no such strength outside of myself.  No one can pick me up here.  Only I am the person who knows my heart so purely and can hold all the answers.  Only I.  Focus.  Where will I focus this energy? Where can I put all this emotion?  Where can I put all my thoughts? I was comforted earlier today by thinking I could just become more driven in my educational goals. An education is meaningless without joy, though.  Yes, a great deal of my joy will come from my pride in accomplishing such a daunting feat; however, there is no such joy without experiencing love at the same time. What is this dreadful romanticism?  It makes me sick.  I don’t know what to do with it.  Get it away from me. But I chose it.  I chose these joyful feelings, and I chose to be more than logic.  I cannot regret any bliss or amusement I experienced along the way… along the path of emotions. I cannot regret, even a single ounce of positive energy I have succumb to.  Succumb.  Using that word to describe it makes me chuckle.  It’s not so bad.  That joy… that hopefulness… It’s around here somewhere.  I’ve lost it like I lose my keys sometimes.  It’s frustrating, because I know I just had it… *rummaging*  Where the fuck could I have put it?  How easily did it slip away from me?  It was dropped at the snap of my fingers.  Lost, because something didn’t go my way.  I downplay the emotion.  I down play the heartbreak.  It’s the only way I can see forward, upward, to see the sky shining through a small hole, the size of a fist, surrounded by filthy ice, through the skylight of my hopes and dreams.Ah, these metaphors are bullshit. I feel bad for myself.  I’m wallowing. *glimmer* Yes, there’s the rational person I know so well.   There she is… “Hello!!!”  I shout.  “I’m over here.”I can’t even look at myself in the mirror right now.  She looks so sad. Pinch her, dance for her, do something to cheer her up.I am my own best therapist, you know. Or… Or, I’m crazy.   _____________________Did you feel it? 

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