Into The Rabbit Hole

One of the strangest things about this experience are the interactions we have with other people.

In the last six months, I have struggled to understand why I get the feeling that people come and go in my life. Perhaps it is because in the past I have affirmed it, and because I believed it, that was what has happened. Perhaps this is just How It IS. People come and go. Obviously the saying wouldn’t be so cliche’ had it never held some sort of truth.

I think the greatest challenge for me in coming to terms with the temporary nature of some relationships is that I often put huge amounts of energy into people. After the person has left my life, I sometimes feel like the energy spent was a waste. It’s not to say an ended relationship is an inevitable, rather, it is/was a possibility.

This is not to say I necessarily feel regret over the energy spent– I believed that the energy was well spent at the time that I expended it.

I suppose the best way to be okay with these “lost” relationships is to realize that one can never own anything– neither a person nor a relationship. Everything serves its purpose, and as long as I am able to appreciate the lesson offered from each person, it only makes sense that I would be comfortable with the ebb and flow of the relational experience.

Today I might fly again.

I’ve been struggling to recover, still.  It seems like it’s taking a pretty significant amount of time to catch my breath this time.  I’m trying to be gentle and patient with myself.

I think I’m sort of in an energy crisis at the moment.  Perhaps a little bit of a winter-time blues… Most of my day I’m at a good level, and some parts of my day are just low and tired.  I want to sit and be still and NOT think.

But today, I’m setting my mind to being proactive.  I am going to do all of the laundry again, and since it’s been two weeks (I gave myself last weekend off), I figure it’s about time to start getting on top of the chores again.  The kids have been with us all week, so there’s more to be done, anyway.  Might as well have clean clothes for them for the rest of the week, right?

So, today I am doing laundry.  And we’re going to make (well, Landon’s doing most of the ‘making’ part)  a large batch of butternut bisque to take to a dinner party tonight.   I loooove butternut bisque!  The kids don’t particularly like it, apparently, but I’m guessing they were just being strong-willed.  They’ll get over that.  I’m amazed at how strong-willed these kids are.  I always thought *I* was a strong-willed kid, but thinking back to how I was compared to how they are, I was really just a pansy.  Hee hee!

I’m eager for our trip up the mountain to visit some friends.  I’m excited for the kids to have other kids to play with, and it’ll be nice to get some desperately needed social time for myself and Landon.  I love to meet new friends and am reminded that I should surround myself with people I want to be like.  I’m guessing there will be plenty of people like that at this party.  It’s kind of interesting to look back at my young adult-hood parties and the 19-23ish age and compare the sorts of parties I attended then compared with the ones I attend now.  Growing up is a funny thing.  I’d recommend it to anyone ready for that sort of thing.   *grin*

These kids are absolutely a trip.  I learn more and more about myself as I watch them learn and grow.  Also, I’ve learned to practice an incredible amount of patience having them in my regular daily experience.  Having a family of my own is totally an experience, too.  Never would have thought it would change things so dramatically, but it does, and I like it.  Obviously there are things I miss, but there are always new and different experiences around the corner- that I can say with utmost certainty.   New and exciting experiences are what I enjoy most about this life…

Anyway, I’ve got to go change the loads of laundry now.   In the mean time, I’ll be dreaming of all the wild and crazy gratuitous nudity one could encounter should they be living a life completely differently than I am.  *wink*

And just like that… I’m done!!

*dancing on the table tops*

I honestly don’t know how I did in all of my classes. I’m sure I’ll find out, sooner rather than later. The good news is that I turned in a considerably better paper for my organic chemistry lab than I was going to. Thank you, thank you, thank you! I’d like to point out that no other laboratory classes had to write papers. But… maybe this experience is good for me now since I may be doing more of it *gasp* in my future.

My Organic Chemistry lab final was hellacious. Horrible. But I’m done with it. Now I know exactly what to expect and can be more prepared for my next semester. My final in O Chem lecture wasn’t horrible. I don’t know how I did, but there’s a probability of a C or a B in that class. Let’s keep our fingers crossed for B’s but not freak out if they’re both C’s. I doubt I was in any threat of not passing the classes, so therefore I’m going to say both O Chem classes are C’s or better. Heh. C’s. Grrrrr…. My Behavioral Neuroscience class is almost positively an A. The final wasn’t horrible, and my only weaknesses were things covered in a class I missed… one of the only classes I missed. All the rest was just recall. I loved that class. I think I’ll read that textbook again for fun. Human Development was certainly an ace, and that’s good because Psychology classes have always been such for me.

Phew. Decompression time. Today was extremely emotional for me. I had floaty highs and tearful lows. I know it’s just stress… and now it’s over. Now it’s time to just BE.

Good things are happening, though. I got a raise, I got approved for a loan, I am following my heart and dreams (both at the same time).

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Set your goals high.  Higher, even, than you think are possible given your current circumstances.  
Know what you want, and expect it.  
What you expect is what you get.  
Get what you want, always… 

Dreams are the maps to our joy.  Don’t stop believing.  (I know, get the song stuck in your head!)  Follow your heart… realize that you can’t plan HOW you will reach your goal, just know that you will have it.  Sometimes the paths we insist on taking don’t follow our hearts– allow yourself to deviate for the sake of seeing what might happen… there is no rule book, there are no road rules, no guidance other than what truly leads you: your instincts… which ultimately translates into your heart’s desires.

You can have it.  I promise.

I suppose that there is one of two possible causes for humans to have created spirituality in the realm of evolution.   The first possibility is that we need it in order to cope with our own mortality, feeling less anxious about death because we know something “Better” will come after we pass on from our physical bodies.

The second possibility is that we somehow remember– not necessarily cognitively– that there is something more.  Perhaps our cells remember– though organically that wouldn’t make a whole lot of sense because our cells are what die.  The scientist in me struggles to make sense of it all- to understand how a majority of perfectly reasonable (okay that’s relative) people believe in SOMETHING.  It comes back to one of the laws of thermodynamics: Energy cannot be created nor destroyed.  So, in the scheme of all that exists, we are energy.  Every single cell in our body uses something carbon based as a “food” to make energy.  Every carbon based cell we consume once used something else to make energy to grow.  Animals consume other animals and plants. Plants use sunlight to make energy.  The sun expels energy from the dramatic process of nuclear fusion, which is a result of the cataclysmic nature of the creation of our universe– a creation that natural physicists insist followed the law in that the energy was already there– it just changed form somehow…  When we die, our bodies decompose into basic carbon that is reabsorbed into the ground.  Or, the process can be accelerated by cremation– either way, our cells are always carbon based, and eventually those carbons return to the earth to be used as nutrients for more plant life, which again is eventually consumed by another animal– us or otherwise.  I suppose another possibility to allow our cells to remember is that we are all the result of something living.  Every single one of us was created by two cells from two other living beings.  Perhaps that “memory” is passed down to us from the point of conception… I’m doubtful, but somehow there could be a connection.  Read the rest of this entry »

I’m not exactly sure what’s happening, but I’m feeling a shift.

I’m feeling like my electrons are shifting into a sideways direction, and I’m hearing the microscopic scratch on their quantum records.

I’m still dreaming, and it’s still extraordinary.  My focus has changed.  It’s diverted.  It’s becoming more clear.  You know how you can recall your dreams, and when it seemed so seamless in your sleep, suddenly you can not explain how it was that you were in a completely different setting, suddenly, you were someone else, somewhere else, or something else entirely?  That’s how it is.

It’s a shift in energy, a shift in direction…

And this new direction is strange.  And beautiful.  And unfamiliar.  And a little scary.  But I like scary.

I refuse to be daunted by change.  Change is good.  It is perfect.  It drives growth.

Take my hand and walk with me in this shift.  Let me hold your pinkie while I lead you ahead, because knowing you’re right behind me gives me confidence in my steps. 

And in this future, I see myself; it is not clear, but it is bright. 

I’d rather not leave you behind.  Please, come with me.

Animismn : the doctrine that all natural objects and the universe itself have souls; (found at www.dictionary.com)I believe that everything is made of soul. This soul is really just energy– just as yours or my soul is entirely composed of electrical current in our brains. Everything you think, do or feel leaves a trace of energy. Energy can neither be destroyed nor created– but it can take various forms of expression. Creating energy: You consume food, absorb sunshine and nutrients, and drink water. Your body metabolizes the molecules into energy. You express that energy in thought, action, and emotion. Read the rest of this entry »