Into The Rabbit Hole

It’s completely pointless to wonder if you’ve chosen well.   Pointless to query whether the decisions you’ve made were an accurate reflection of the things you wish to represent you.   The facts of the matter are that there are NO right or wrong decisions, and that everything we do is an opportunity to experience this life– in the highs and lows, in the hopes and dreams and everything that is magnificently interwoven within the short time we have here on this planet.

I’m so fucking exhausted.  Emotionally, mentally, philosophically, spiritually, physically.

These are my choices, though.  This is the path I’ve ventured down and I’ve no desire to move backwards, by any means.  You don’t turn around every time the terrain gets rough.  You either find a way across the terrain or you find a new path.

I’ve no interest in finding a new path.

I just have to get past this sketchy spot– this gap in the road where I must fearlessly dangle or else fall down.  I am Rockstar.  I don’t fall down.  I may gracelessly fling myself at the other side, but I most certainly DO NOT FALL DOWN.

There are so many lessons I’ve gathered.  So much time now to sit down and reflect on them.  Analyze them, take from them my understanding of how my actions created the domino effect that led me to where I’m at right this minute.

To be perfectly clear… I feel this way every year during this time in the semester.

I feel drained.  I’ve seen this pattern in myself.  This is the time of year that I start going to the doctor asking, “WHY am I so exhausted?”

Well, let’s see here, Ash.  What could you possibly be doing that makes you exhausted???

*thinking*

The definition of insanity is to continue repeating the same behaviors– yet expecting something new to happen.

Is there truly something I could do differently that would make me less exhausted yet still maintain my Rock Stardom?

Ideally, I would like to have less on my plate.  I’m ready to settle down.  To lessen the force I put upon myself.  To not aggravate the stress fractures within my stable Rock Starness.

Apparently, though, I enjoy pushing myself to the brink of breakdown.  I want to see Just How Far I Can Go.

Fuck that.  It’s insane and…

Well, it’s me.

I’m totally an overachiever.  I guess I just get bored and have to take it to the next level.  Every damn semester.

So, either I LIKE feeling this way, or I’m crazy.  One of the two.  Either I’m doing it because I’m addicted to feeling exhausted, or I am the definition of insanity.

Great.

Put that in your pop can and smoke it.

I’m a terrible cook.

I mean, I can feed myself.  But I have to feed the kids.  I made chicken noodle soup, using Grammy’s chicken broth.  And I used some tapioca noodles– something we had in the cupboard.

The first go around, I boiled the noodles too long and it ended up a goopy starchy mess.  So I decided to fish all the noodles out, and threw them away.   I boiled a new round of noodles. I put some corn in the broth.  I put the freshly cooked noodles in the soup.

I tried to serve it to the kids.  It wasn’t terrible.

They proceeded to tell me how terrible it was.

I lost it.  I mean, not outwardly.  I threw away the soup.  Cleaned up the kitchen.

I couldn’t not feed them dinner.  I mean, they’re just kids and they weren’t intentionally trying to hurt my feelings.

Luckily there was a can of some gross generic raviolis.  I heated those up, and they ate.  I know they knew I was upset, but they possibly have never seen a grown up on the verge of tears over something they unintentionally did.

A whirlwind of emotions swirled up in me… I went outside and cried.

It’s ridiculous, really.  I should be able to just play along, head held high.  Maybe if I wasn’t such an emotional wreck inside…

My mom called before dinner.  “Are you holding up?”

“yeah.”

“You don’t sound like you’re doing okay.”
“I’m fine.”

I don’t have any other option to be at this point.  She reminded me that I chose all of this.  That I chose to be in this position.  I’m really trying to remember that and to stay positive.  I’m trying to appreciate the beauty, and I refuse to be unhappy this entire time… that’s not healthy.  I also recognize my limitations.  And that I have chosen this and can ask for help.

This is a significant practice in discovering who I am.

I’ve learned that the RIGHT decisions aren’t always the easiest to make, and they certainly don’t always have consequences that fall in line with what I have planned.  Sometimes the RIGHT choices are the ones that are for myself, and my own interests, even if they are not what the people closest to me would have chosen.  Sometimes the RIGHT thing to do for my own well being isn’t the right thing for anyone else, and that doesn’t make the RIGHT thing any less viable as an option (or any less RIGHT for me).

This experience is utterly about learning from our environment.  It’s about learning how to make good decisions, and knowing that what you choose not only has consequences, but requires you to think through the consequences prior to acting– and more importantly offers you the opportunity to make adjustments to your plans if an unexpected consequence arises.  It encourages you to own all of the consequences– good and bad– because you know that the decisions you’ve made are the ones you are responsible for, and therefore can appreciate whatever comes from them because they’re YOUR decisions.  It’s about knowing that there ultimately are many RIGHT decisions you can make for yourself and essentially eliminates and WRONG decisions from occurring even as possibilities, because when you’re making good decisions for yourself, the WRONG decision would never happen.

It’s much like when a friend comes to me for advice.  My favorite advice I love to give is, “I know you will make the right decision when the time comes for it, and I trust your decision making abilities.”  I know, that’s  not very specific advice, but what it comes down to is that I trust my own ability to make good decisions with regards to the people I surround myself with, and I trust their ability to consider their choices and own up to and learn from the consequences of any decision they make.

There is no sin, only experiences you refuse to learn from.

This last year was about changing the behaviors that weren’t working for me.  I could name a thousand different things I learned, and I do feel confident that when I acknowledged a behavior that wasn’t working, I sought out a new behavior to replace it.  I knew that even if it was the wrong new behavior, it wasn’t the old behavior, and therefore it would serve its purpose because at least then I would know.

It’s become significantly easier to address “mistakes” as such… to know that there really are NO mistakes, only opportunities.  This change of perspective has led me to making more bold decisions– and with great risk often comes exceedingly great reward.

So, I’ve identified behaviors that aren’t working, and I have worked hard to replace them.  I have been nearly fearless when it came to the replacement behavior because I knew that whatever I chose to replace it with was going to be fine.  I wouldn’t make a bad decision, because ultimately the things that were outside of my nature wouldn’t happen– and so I never even considered them.  The things that were possibilities within my nature, I embraced.   With great risk comes great reward.

This is the truth in all experience.

Emotions are an interesting lens through which we experience this life.
I think that sometimes we experience emotion so intensely, because it is intrinsic to us and traditionally caused by chemicals within our brain and body,  that we sometimes forget that while our emotions may somewhat define our own personal experience, they do not define the experience of those who are part of our experience.

That’s a lot of experience.

What I’m saying is this: We feel things.  We feel things intensely.  How we perceive (or what our perspective is of what we experience) what happens in our lives is directly influenced by what we’re feeling at the time we are observing our experience.   We can easily become caught up in our emotional perspective, so much so that we forget that what we’re perceiving isn’t necessarily how another person– even one who is intimately part of our experience– is perceiving.

This lack of awareness that another person may not be experiencing the same things– even under identical (if not the same) experiences– is what can cause miscommunication or misunderstanding.

There.  I think I just solved all of the world’s problems.  Go tell all your friends.

This life can be overwhelming.

There are so many experiences.  So many thoughts to touch my mind.  My heart.  My experience.

It seems that the solution to exhaustion is pride.  When I think I can’t possibly do more, I take pride in what I’ve done and it propels me.  I push myself beyond my own comfort zone, and it is there where I grasp freedom.

There are a gamut of emotions pummeling through my brain.  All of them I’ve tasted, chewed up, and swallowed.  Some I choose to eat again.  Some I spit out.  I choose to taste more love.

It is a dangerous emotion.  I can experience it for many, and for many lose touch.  I can hide it inside my heart, being stingy with it until I spare it for none.  I can spread it superficially as a drunk on holiday.  I can use it to attain more of it, to attain more of what I want materially, to prop the world in my palm.  It is dangerous because it opens my chest up to vast skies of the universe and to the depths of our deepest dark oceans.  It makes me vulnerable.  It fulfills me.

With it can come great adventure.

And loss.

It is knowing the experience of love that pushes me forward.  That pride.  That exhaustion.  I am motivated, and I am tired.  I am smiling.

It is knowing the pain of my losses that provides me extraordinary contrast.  It makes my elusive emotional experience that much more invaluable to me.   It is part of love, and it is how I know how to love someone entirely.  How to love myself completely.  How to love you wholly.  And I do.

One of the strangest things about this experience are the interactions we have with other people.

In the last six months, I have struggled to understand why I get the feeling that people come and go in my life. Perhaps it is because in the past I have affirmed it, and because I believed it, that was what has happened. Perhaps this is just How It IS. People come and go. Obviously the saying wouldn’t be so cliche’ had it never held some sort of truth.

I think the greatest challenge for me in coming to terms with the temporary nature of some relationships is that I often put huge amounts of energy into people. After the person has left my life, I sometimes feel like the energy spent was a waste. It’s not to say an ended relationship is an inevitable, rather, it is/was a possibility.

This is not to say I necessarily feel regret over the energy spent– I believed that the energy was well spent at the time that I expended it.

I suppose the best way to be okay with these “lost” relationships is to realize that one can never own anything– neither a person nor a relationship. Everything serves its purpose, and as long as I am able to appreciate the lesson offered from each person, it only makes sense that I would be comfortable with the ebb and flow of the relational experience.

Good goddess this life can be so interesting.

For some reason today finds me in a reflective mood. I suppose it’s the end of the year, the holidays, the time away from school (so I can think) that encourages me to be so damn nostalgic.

There are SO many people who have touched my experience, especially within the last year, who have changed me– interacted with me in such a way that I have re-evaluated who I am and how I want to be… it amazes me to think back to where I was a year ago and to see how much I’ve changed since then.

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Things are looking brighter– every minute of every day.  I’m closer to accomplishing my goals!  I’m SO excited for the semester’s end!  I’ve been exhausted from all of the many changes that have pushed me forward to this point, and I’m looking forward for the deep sigh of relief I’ll let out as soon as I’m through the next two weeks! 

I’m pretty impressed with the new site.  This has been a long time coming, and I’m grateful for all of the encouragement I’ve received from you all in getting this to where it’s at now.   In the process of uploading all of the content prior to this blog, I have had the opportunity to revisit all of my past blogs.  It has truly been a time of reflection!

I have had so many amazing experiences in the last few years.  I am amazed at how the tone of my writing has evolved– and how much things have changed for me since the beginning of my blogging days.  In the last few years I’ve learned SO much– about life and more importantly, about myself.  I’m pleased with where I’m at!

Keeping a blog and then looking back at it has allowed me to really follow my own cyclic nature.  It has allowed me “free therapy” and helped me to sort out my thoughts.  It’s allowed me the opportunity to really delve deeply into my mind and emotions and to be comfortable with myself.  You can’t really lie to yourself when you have hundreds of readers there to call you out when you say something contrary to what you’ve said in the past… and it’s been helpful for me to acknowledge how I really feel when I type something out that doesn’t ring true.

So… here is the next level, the next step so to speak, in my process.  I want you to feel welcome here and to encourage your thoughts and comments. 

Thank you for joining me along the way.  I love you all!